Floodlights

And now the little star gave me an idea, and I made up my mind then and there that it should most certainly be that night. But why the little star gave me the idea—I don’t know.

The Dream of a Ridiculous Man, Fyodor Dostoevsky

On Saturday night, she sat with her friends as they watched the high school rugby match. Everyone was in good spirits as the school holidays were drawing nearer. It was already late in Winter. The sun set early.

On the field one of the enormous floodlights were malfunctioning. The game continued, but as it did, the groundkeeper climbed up all the way to the top to fix it. He succeeded just in time. It lit up the rugby field at the right moment when the high school team scored their most important try.

After the game, she and her friends departed with the crowd to go home. Her friends either drove home (even though they only had their learner’s) or waited for their parents to pick them up. There were a lot of spectators waiting around, driving in and out and making a fuss. Her parents were late, as always. At least it wasn’t so cold yet. The groundskeeper was just closing the gate when she saw her mother. As they drove away, she noticed the groundskeeper simply closed the gate without locking it.

The exams came and went. She had a good sense of her own ability, and knew that she probably did well. She wasn’t a Top-10’er, but she always paid enough attention in class, without sacrificing her social life like those who would later burnout before finishing varsity. Just enough to satisfy her parents and the teachers. Just enough to see her friends. Just enough to be normal. Now that the holidays came, she could finally focus more on the latter than the former.

The friends saw each other a few times the first week they were off, but as usual during the holidays, after a few days everyone fell into their boring routines. The intense cold was a good excuse for sleeping late, watching movies, wasting away time on Reddit…

On that second weekend of the holiday all her friends were away. One went camping with her boyfriend and the other one was off to a resort. It didn’t bother her that much. She saw them a few days ago. Plus her mother was home for the weekend.

She and her mother didn’t speak a lot in the past. They loved each other, but she was too young to really understand her mother’s concerns, and her mother still saw her as her baby girl.

That Saturday night however they finally had their chance. After the movie they could just talk about family and her friends until late into the night. It was one of those healthy evenings where mother and daughter finally understand each other. As though they have just met each other for the first time in their lives. But as the clock struck 12 they finally went to bed.

She stayed up for a while longer. She sat on her bed, admiring her first-floor view of the dark city. A few stars were out and there were no clouds in sight. Just a calm night.

She waited another hour just to be sure.

She had walked to school before. It was only a kilo away through the neighbourhood. It was pitch dark. The lampposts didn’t work and the only light was the barely visible crescent moon guiding her way. It was hard to judge how far she had gone and how far she still had to go. But she knew sooner or later she would get there.

She unlatched the gate and wandered across the sports field. It felt much larger alone at night. The floodlights were like two sleeping giants keeping watch over their treasure. A deathly silence covered the grass.

Standing next to the floodlight made it seem much higher than it did when she sat on the podium. The ladder railings were almost too far apart to climb and they were probably slippery from the dew. It would take a while.

With every stretch she felt the wind around her and the field dreamily vanishing below her. Step by step. Using so much effort in the cold made her aware for a moment of where was and what she was doing. But only for a moment. There’s no point now.

She looked down around her from the platform on top. She saw the podium on the one side, a deserted street on the other, and blocks of homes of sleeping families content in the darkness. She climbed over the railings and held on to the lamp.

In the windy cold she was forced to finally allow her thoughts and feelings to enter her. She might as well. It had been months since she listened to either. Everything in her life was tolerable. She didn’t hate anyone and she hadn’t suffered any loss. Her future – now that she considered it – would probably be alright and respectable. Everyone would be happy with her. She also did not want to cause pain to her mother or her friends. They were all alright and she did love them and they did love her.

For a moment she thought of her love for her mother and how happy they were just a few hours ago. Then she closed her eyes and let go.