I just looked at my previous posts and I see it’s more than two months since my first post. Since I broke down. I know I said in the previous post that I’ll finally give a history, a background, to how I met her and such. And, well, it wasn’t my intention to do it but as I’m writing this I feel like I should do it.
It’s probably going to be a long post.
Before I talked about what happened this year I have to talk a bit about a time in school. Since I was 16, every time a new quarter started at school I would hope that the girl of my dreams would walk through the class room door. It never happened. In my five years of high school I had three major crushes. The first was when I was 13 and I’m not even going to waste time over her. The second was between 16 and 17. She was a silent, shy girl who, like me, had an interest in astronomy. I really liked her – and dreamt, cried and crushed over – for two years. But by the end she changed. But here’s a more interesting one.
In my last year of school, when I was 18, something interesting happened. I despised the girls of our schools, at least of my age. The majority of them were typical. You know the typical type who liked the same stuff, acted the same bitchy ways and generally just abhorred me.
So one day I we was waiting outside our first class. It was on the first floor (first as in the one above the ground floor). I remember looking at all the people walking up the stairs and I thought “Isn’t there just one girl who is not like the others?”. Then I saw a girl. I cannot remember her face. I never could. From the way she walked I could see that she was differently. Her whole composure was unique. Anyway I didn’t think much of her at first.
A few weeks passed and again I thought about that girl. For this post I’ll call her That Girl. Me and one of the only two people I know referred to her as the “Blou Tas” (blue bag) since she always carried a blue backpack to school. However in English it sounds rude so I’ll just stick to That Girl. I was again waiting for the class and I looked to see if she’ll come up the stairs. She did.
From then on I kept my eyes open for her. I never stalked her. I consciously decided that I’ll never do that. I’ll stay with my friends and if I see her I see her and if I don’t I don’t. In time I realised that That Girl and her friend would walk around the school every break. In the mornings, as each grade departed consecutively, I saw her depart with the Grade 10 class, which means she was 16.
I was never in love. As I put it to a friend, I was “deeply interested”. I always thought that if I could only get the chance I would ask for her name. A friend offered to find out for me, but I wanted to ask her. I wanted to go through the awkward situation of randomly approaching her and asking for her name. If only I had the opportunity. Every time I saw her she was either with her friend or in a hurry to get to class. I thought, the only reason I am not asking her is because I don’t get the chance. I definitely thought I could do it.
Then one day, after school, I saw her depart from her class. This was my chance. This was it. As she walked I started to approach her… but I couldn’t. I could not get the courage to speak to her. I was wrong. I don’t have the confidence. I’m rarely wrong. I’m never wrong. It was kind of a shock to me that I couldn’t do it.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not an extroverted, confident, ladysman. I’m introverted, not handsome and I have a speech defect. Yet I thought that despite it all, I could do it. And I couldn’t.
Anyway as the year ended so did my obsession with her, though at times I still wonder about her. But rarely.
I never got to know her name…
I’m not sure why I talked about this girl. I guess I would’ve written about her eventually.
Last year in the middle of the year I would go to a park nearby. It’s a pathetic place, just like the entire town I lived in. No trees. Just a few tables and a “gym” set-up. I frequently, whether during the holidays or after schools, sat at one of the tables feeling incredibly lonely.
My “True Friend” (see my previous posts) was either obsessed with his girlfriend or depressed about her while my other best friend (the one from The Braai) sidelined me. After things got better he said that it was because of his girlfriend. I didn’t believe him. He started ignoring me since before they met. But I just dropped it. The fact is I was rather alone.
In the park I would think about the following year at university. How I would most likely meet the girl of dreams. I pictured her as reserved, quiet, intelligent and beautiful. Someone I could connect with.
How wrong I was.
All of this so far was a bit of background to my situation with The Girl. So here it comes.
The next year, this year, after a week of orientation our classes at university began. On the first day I had German. It’s just a beginners course which lasts a year. On the very first day The Girl had my attention. She sat opposite me with a coke can in her hand. I’m unsure how to describe her. She was talkative (though she didn’t speak to me) and she was incredibly lively. She is also a friend to (what shall I call her from henceforth on?) “The Precious Friend”. The Precious Friend is a girl who I met, or rather who met me, during the orientation week. She’s the girl which helped me through my tough times recently in my previous posts.
On that first day (or was it the following day?) I remember The Girl putting her Coca Cola can on the floor by the table. I have an instinct for knowing when stuff will happen and I knew the lector was going to knock it over. I was prepared for this and I knew I could use such a situation to get The Girl’s attention.
My prophecy was fulfilled when the lector knocked it over. I then tore out a page out of my notebook and tried to clean it up. It worked. The Girl appreciated it, though I couldn’t really dry it up. I mean it’s just normal paper after all.
After two or three weeks, I don’t know how, I got to spend some time with her. I don’t recall why. I never before in my life spend such a long time with any girl. She just talked and I think we were trying to sort out our timetables. That day I even walked with her to her home, not her home-home, but the home where she lives during the week.
To me, who never speaks to a girl and was never in a relationship just walking with a girl to her home was an experience.
But things changed.
In the next week or two she started to put me off. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t speak much, she just did some things which I disliked. In the next week or two she did three things. Once in class she, somewhat rudely, talked me to speak louder. After we got our marks for our first politics semester test she again said something rather not nice about mine. Not too bad, but just a bit too mean for me personally. Then during a German tutorial she was really mean with out female tutor. She told the tutor that she was wasting her time.
All of these things put me off. Kindness is a core aspect I search for in every person. However, as I discovered a few months ago, she most likely acted this way because of her sickness. Without giving too much detail, I will just say that it’s a female thing but worse. So looking back it might be that she was in pain and going through that.
Nevertheless I lost interest.
Then came a few weeks before the exams. Somewhere in May. She started asking for help with her German. I would come and try to help her on campus. I never thought much of it. One day after we finished she had to use glue for glue a picture to her assignment. No body had one, not even in the library. In the library something happened. For a moment, after I said something, she smiled.
The way she smiled left a strange feeling in my head. It was odd. But I didn’t think much of it as my thoughts during that time was still mostly focused on still another girl, but I’ll leave her for another post.
Later on the exams came. I remember helping her over Whatsapp for our upcoming Religion Studies exam, our last one before the holidays. By that time I knew I was going to miss her afterwards. After that test I walked with her to outside the campus and as we greeted, I already started missing her. It was then that I knew I felt something for her.
Shortly afterwards I went to the mall with the Best Friend. Before that I thought about how similar he and The Girl is. So when I met him there I told him about her. About what’s she’s like and the things she does. I thought about how compatible they would be for each other, even though I knew I already felt something for her.
In the next few weeks me and The Girl talked a lot at night over Whatsapp. Keep in mind that I was always the one who messaged first (In one of my previous posts I remarked on how strange it was for her to message me a while ago). After a while she invited me to a braai (a barbecue).
But I had a problem. She lives quite a distance away and I had no lift. The only option was… a ride with The Best Friend. As such I had to invite him as well, she even said I should.
That day was amazing, but not for the reasons you think. Those two clicked like I never thought possible. They just talked and talked the whole time. They were similar in so many aspects, they even ate their waffles the same way! I was really, honestly, glad for them both. That night I even thanked God for both curing me of my feelings for her and for using me to bring two good people together.
When I slept that night, I only awoke three months later. Only months later did I regain my senses. Only after months did I regain my mind.
The next day I felt INCREDIBLY down. I never felt anything like it. I felt so incredibly depressed. Honestly depressed. I wasn’t even sure if it was about The Girl, but it was. From then on my emotions had the better of me. Usually my logical and emotional sides were balancing each other. They always fought, but it used to be that I could think rationally even on my darkest days. But since I awoke that next day it was as if my emotions were the only side left.
To make a long story short for the rest of the holidays I was depressed. I kept trying to find out how their relationship was going. I never attempted to break it. In fact, I always tried to help them. I thought it would be incredibly selfish to come between them, so I helped them.
Then the next semester came. Looking back this semester felt like a new year compared to the first. From the first week I was with her every day. I was obsessed with her. Literally.
In that first week she even came over to my apartment after she gave me a lift. Never before has a girl been to my home (though this was my flat where I lived in during the week). It’s just different for me. I’m not the guy who usually sees a lot of girls.
Keep in mind that during this time she and the True Friend was getting pretty much in love. I fought my jealously be honestly giving them both advice about the other if they asked. I thought that to fight my feelings, I should go entirely opposite to them.
I had a few breakdowns during the following weeks because of how I felt. Not major, but at times I really felt down because of my situation.
But later on things got bad. My friend was getting slightly irritated with her. He began to think that maybe they shouldn’t be together. He didn’t tell her at first. This fact started to bug me.
Do you know how it feels to care so much someone, while that someone cares so much for someone else who doesn’t care about them? You don’t want to know. If you do know, then you know how I felt.
Like I said, I frequently waited outside class with her. Between classes I loved to just listen to her. All her issues. All her complaints. All her stuff. I love her voice. But she started to confuse me.
She rarely waited for me after classes. She would just walk out without greeting. She did say later on that this is just the way it works at university, but that doesn’t hold water as I’ll tell you. Keep in mind I never go to her classes. Only on the classes we have together do I wait for her. Later on I decided to test whether or not she wants me to wait. On Fridays after History I would walk slowly out. Once or twice she simply ignored me, so I left. After a while she would message me and ask where I am. So she does expect me to wait? She never waits for me yet she considers this normal university life not too wait yet she expects me to wait yet she doesn’t expect me too? This is how I started to get confused.
This confusion reached a breaking point in the middle of August. This confusion was coupled with my increasingly shaking relationship with my friends which I also have to explain.
I already had some negative feelings towards the True Friend. Not for being the object of desire for The Girl, but for the fact that he doesn’t appreciate her. He was also regularly mean with me over Whatsapp. I noticed that people are very direct and different online than in person. I also, more than once, told him that I want to see him. That I miss him. But he is also always busy on weekends.
The other best friend, I’ll call him The Other Friend, also bugged me. For weeks I would try to organise to meet him on a weekend. I think for three or four weeks I would try and he would always be busy. I honestly understood that. I mean I’m busy, he’s busy. He’s a friend and if he could he would try to see me, you know? Guess I was wrong.
Here came one of the two causes for my breakdown which I went through in my first post. I was going home for the weekend. I thought, I could see the True Friend Perhaps. Perhaps I could at least play online with the Other Friend. And hell, only in my dreams would I have seen The Girl. I would have loved to see her, but she’s in love with the True Friend so obviously I won’t.
She also told me that she might see him. I understand that.
So keep in mind the following facts: I came home with the hope of seeing the True Friend while also constantly thinking about The Other Friend and The Girl. There are other people at university who would like to see me, but they can’t because I’m going home with the hope of seeing the True Friend. I live nearby the True Friend. For weeks I wanted to see the Other Friend, though this one week I didn’t even try to organize to see him. I love The Girl. I miss both my friends.
Watch how it collides.
That weekend, I heard that the Other Friend slept over at the True Friend. The next day The Girl visited them both and they had a great time and went to the mall and stuff and they didn’t invite me at least for the mall part.
Read those facts again. Every single one of them.
I could wrap my head around that fact that she wants to see him. They like each other. I understand.
I could wrap my head around the Other Friend seeing the True Friend. Perhaps he also misses the True Friend. So I could at least try to comprehend him choosing to see him even though for weeks I wanted to see him.
She is like my best female friend, not theirs. Those are my best friends. MY best friends. Not hers.
All of these facts and thoughts collided and it pushed me to the edge.
That next week on Tuesday the True Friend said some really mean stuff to me on Whatsapp. I snapped and I ignored him. I ignored him totally for days. That same day I once again went with The Girl to the library. There were other people who followed as well. They wanted to find something out about anthropology or something. I waited and as they left she didn’t even turn her head to see where I am. This sounds rather over sensitive of me, and perhaps it is, but I just snapped.
I snapped. I lost it. I lost my emotions. For the next two or three days I totally ignored the True Friend. So much that he thought I was brainwashed by a Christian group I joined. I also ignored her. Though “ignore” isn’t the right term since she didn’t bother to talk to me.
I wanted to see if she’ll even care if I’m gone. If she’ll notice. If she’ll miss me. So the next few days I didn’t wait for her and I skipped classes I had with her. I was so cold. What I realised weeks later is that, instead of trying to find out why I’m different, she simply left me to deal with my issues myself. It was very obvious to her that I am not in a good mood towards her. But looking back, why didn’t she try to help me?
But there’s no excuse to how wrong it was of me to act that way. Despite the fact that I was right in that she doesn’t care that I didn’t wait or didn’t come to classes, I acted wrongly. I was so cold. I can’t begin to describe it.
It feels abrupt to end my post here, but I’ve said enough. Now you will understand everything. Where I’ve ended here you can read further on in my first post which I wrote in that week.