Your Beautiful Tears

It’s your birthday today. Or was it yesterday? Is it a coincidence that I dreamed about you on your birthday?

The dream was odd and yet beautiful. All I recall was you coming down the stairs as you cried your heart out. As you did so my heart burned for you. I don’t recall caring for any person at any moment as much as I did then. Then I held you closely in my arms. Holding you was the most amazing feeling I’ve had in my life. It was then that I wondered why I haven’t married you.

Warmth in the Cold by yuumei

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Should I Sent You a Friend Request (again)?

Dammit. You drove me mad. You drove into depression. You consumed my life. But then I got over you: slowly and painfully (very, very painfully) I got over you. When I considered you out of my life, I removed you as a friend.

And now…

And now after two years…

We talked again. And hell did I enjoy it! To see your cute face and to hear your sweet voice. Damn, how much I miss you now!

Should I open the possibility of the past repeating itself?

Or will it be a new chapter?

Should I sent you a friend request again?

(Seriously, dear Reader, should I?)

The Girl: A New Chapter? – Trip down Nightmare Lane

Ah… “the Girl”. That girl which drove me mad. That girl which really screwed up my head. That girl that helped to drive me to depression. That girl which almost cost me my friendships and my sanity. Yes, the Girl.

Hell tonight was a trip down nightmare lane. My first year at university was shit. One thing I always struggled with was a lack of transport. This was specifically problematic when I had to attend late tests or lectures. At times I would have to walk 1.5 km at 9 o’ clock at night. Not really the safest thing. Sometime the Girl would give me lifts.

Also, at that time I stayed “alone”. Not quite alone, I mean there were three other people there as well, but we almost never spoke. I was alone.

Then last year was the total opposite: I stayed with my best friend at a great place, with great varsity people, a whole different year.

And now this year… more boring but it has more in common with the first year than the second.

So today I woke up with my beloved dog and cat beside me, and headed for campus: we were going to have a public lecture by a famous muslim scholar on religion and violence. Now because my current residence – staying “alone” with one other dude – is not so safe, I had to park my car at the university’s sport place (?). This presented me with a problem: the gates close at 7, but I’ll only be finished at 8. So I guess I’m gonna have to walk… or not. I figured I’ll just use Uber.

When I arrived at university I got that chill vibe I got in first year: seeing campus grow darker and darker reminded me of that time. An eery feeling. Oh, a Whatsapp! The True Friend sent a picture of a scene in the movie, Bridge to Terabithia, which showed the lead actor looking at the lead actress waving goodbye to him. As far as I know that was the last time he saw her. “She reminds me of The Girl”, my friend said. She reminded me of her before my friend even mentioned it, but I didn’t tell him that.

It’s getting late. I can’t stand sitting here all tense in this forsaken place. I should move to the venue. I approach and… what the hell? There she is: the Girl. Odd, odd, odd. Even more odd, as we spoke she said she thought about me about a week ago and about some books of mine she still had. A week ago I was thinking the exact same thing. This is no mere coincidence; I really don’t think about her that often anymore.

So did anything change? If you looked closely at my posts about her in the post you would notice the reason she drove me mad: she had no interest in my life. Yet as we spoke tonight she actually asked about what I’m up to, what I’m studying, and stuff like that. We had a good conversation. I don’t recall having such a both-sided conversation with her in first year.

Afterwards she asked me how I’m gonna get home. After I told her she insisted that she gives me a lift. Wow, that was also just like old times.

My mind is a raving machine. Not the intellectual type unfortunately. No. It’s the type that will build multiple possible futures based on a single event. As we sat through the lecture, I again thought about what it would be like to fall in love with her again. What the conditions would be. How everything would turn out. Then I just thought: “Stop it. Thoughts like these are what drove you mad. SHE drove you mad”.

Just stop it.

(the picture my friend sent me)

 

 

She’s gonna be pissed when she realises I removed her from Facebook a few months ago.

One Last Word on The Girl – And thoughts on Marriage

So it’s 11:10 PM. I have to study for my politics exam… which I might fail… or else I should go to sleep and get up early. But for some reason I returned to this blog and I read through some of the stuff I posted on The Girl. As I have been thinking a bit about her this past week or two, I thought I would write one last thing about her. But be warned, I’m going to talk about a dream I had… a dream that was kinda… edgy… (if you know what I mean) and perhaps a bit weird or creepy. So excuse me for this. So be warned, this is at least a somewhat mature post.

So this year I’ve barely thought about her. It’s been great living hear with the True Friend. We talk about a lot: about superficial things like Civilization 5 or random things people do, and also deep things about God and life and all that. This year is so much better than last year.

Yet the last week or two I couldn’t help myself but think a little bit about The Girl. I guess it’s because it’s been almost exactly a year since I started to develop an interest in her. I remember it was also just before the exams when I started to have feelings for her.

I began to think about her after I had a dream. It cannot recall what happened in the dream at all, but something weird happened after the dream. Normally when you dream something you will forget the details the next day or week. Now I had another dream a few months ago. I almost forgot about it. Yet after I had this second dream a week or two ago, I immediately, for some strange reason, while I was laying in the bed, remembered every detail of that first dream. It’s as though I had to be in a dream state to remember past dreams.

— Edit: I removed a large part because it was a bit risque —

 

Back to The Girl. Lately, because of this increased thinking about her this week, I’ve been going to her Facebook wall to just see what is happening, not that she posts much. I want to unfriend her. I also want to remove her number from my phone (she already lost my number). There’s only one reason I don’t want to.

I study Zulu at the university. She does as well. But I honestly thank God that she attends the evening lectures, so I never see her. Out of sight, out of mind. Yet I realised that next semester, should I continue with Zulu, we might attend the same classes. I know that should it happen she is bound to request my help during the course and then I’ll have to explain why I removed her as a friend.

I really don’t want to have class with her again. Ever. Not just for Facebook. I don’t want her in my life anymore. I’m willing to drop Zulu to avoid the possibility of it. Should I?

The Things About Her that Drove me Insane

Lately I’ve been feeling very neutral towards the girl. I barely see her and I don’t think about her as much. And we don’t really talk on Whatsapp either.

I discovered that Whatsapp has a search function. Not just for contacts, but for past conversations. I never delete my conversations. Ever. I keep it as proof for when I need it. I won’t backstab someone with it. For instance my friend, the True Friend, once talked highly of the stars in the night. A few months later he despised it. Now he likes it again.

I could, if I really want to, when nowadays he talks about how he is sitting under stars (a hobby close to my heart, especially astronomy), show him a message he sent me a few months back where he said something which was really uncalled for.

Compare these:

August 8: He was without electricity and very bored. I told him he could sit outside with binoculars or a telescope. Keep in mind that he knows how much I like stargazing and astronomy

Me: Yes. Outside. With binoculars or telescope.

He: “What am I supposed to do with that then? Look at white spots in the sky?”…”and I have seen everything worth interesting”.

(I ignored him after that)

September 21: He was outside on his roof at night and he sent me photos of the view

He: “I just wish there were more stars”

October 8:

He: I just wish you would shut up and enjoy this wonderful pasta and mince, which I have just made myself, outside beneath the stars.

It is this kind of shit which people do which irritates me to the core. People do not keep even by their own opinions and they can be so insensitive to your passions.

But I didn’t want to make this post about him. I seem to only talk bad about him on the post and I shouldn’t. He’s a great person. I merely wanted to use him as an example.

This post is supposed to be about the girl again. I want to write about the things she did which hurt me. Not deeply. More like when you walk past a rose bush and the thorns cut you and make you bleed. It’s not bad, but looking back (in this case at the messages), I can still feel the bruises.

I searched for key words of conversation I had with her. Words which would take me to certain times.

I learned that, and I noticed this at the time, she was ungrateful for me. I do not mean to sound as though I’m worth much, but this bothers me. If you do so much and you feel so much for someone and that someone doesn’t appreciate you.

I saw some conversations. Like this one time she went a bit off on me for something stupid, and for the rest of the weekend she felt bad about it. I can’t stay made when a person regrets something. To be honest I was glad that she felt bad. Just a part of me was. Because it meant that she actually cared.

I see and I remember other conversations where I would talk about a bunch of things, only for her to either ignore it, or to misinterpret it or to be blind to the depth of what I said. Sometimes I hinted or talked explicitly about events in my life and she never showed interest.

Yet I always heard and wanted to know more about her life. What made her. What broke her.

She frequently asked for help in history and religion studies and German. I always helped. I was always there. One time after she broke down, I talked about it in a previous post, she couldn’t study for history which we had the next day. So I went and translated all my notes to Afrikaans for her. I worked myself to death, missed my Spanish class and almost missed a meeting with a Christian brother. Only to hear her say she’s gonna drop it and take the sicktest.

I discovered the last few months that I have a misplaced sense of loyalty. Let me give a few examples.

At the end of the vacation in July I asked the Best Friend if I could sleep over the next week. The Other Friend I also tried to organise something the week before. The Best Friend told me that he’s classes are starting. Mine started a week later.

So I decided, okay, I’ll go to the cinemas on my own. It’s a bit sad to do it on your own, but I needed to get out. So I went and watched a movie, constantly thinking about them.

That evening I heard the Other Friend decided not to go to class. Okay, I get it, it wasn’t planned so it’s not like you could’ve seen me. The True Friend, and this shook me, said his classes only starts the following day.

So what did he do? Did he think of me, his best friend, who asked if I could see him the weekend before? No. He went with his cousin of all people and went to the same cinema as me and watched the same movie as me, though at a different time so I didn’t see them. He never gave me a thought.

I was alone. I wanted to see my friends. They knew I wanted to see them. They KNEW I was at home on my own. But fuck me.

See what I mean with misplaced loyalties? The problem lies with me, not them. I overestimated the bond we had.

It looks like I got side tracked again. I wanted to talk about things The Girl did which damaged me. What I said in this post, and especially on this post is what tore my emotional part to shreds.

To sum it up: Appreciation. That’s the thing I want most in life. Appreciation.

In a following post I’ll talk about how I feel about her at the moment. It will probably be the last post about her, judging by how I feel at the moment.

What Happened – Finally an explanation to everything and much more

I just looked at my previous posts and I see it’s more than two months since my first post. Since I broke down. I know I said in the previous post that I’ll finally give a history, a background, to how I met her and such. And, well, it wasn’t my intention to do it but as I’m writing this I feel like I should do it.

It’s probably going to be a long post.

Before I talked about what happened this year I have to talk a bit about a time in school. Since I was 16, every time a new quarter started at school I would hope that the girl of my dreams would walk through the class room door. It never happened. In my five years of high school I had three major crushes. The first was when I was 13 and I’m not even going to waste time over her. The second was between 16 and 17. She was a silent, shy girl who, like me, had an interest in astronomy. I really liked her – and dreamt, cried and crushed over – for two years. But by the end she changed. But here’s a more interesting one.

In my last year of school, when I was 18, something interesting happened. I despised the girls of our schools, at least of my age. The majority of them were typical. You know the typical type who liked the same stuff, acted the same bitchy ways and generally just abhorred me.

So one day I we was waiting outside our first class. It was on the first floor (first as in the one above the ground floor). I remember looking at all the people walking up the stairs and I thought “Isn’t there just one girl who is not like the others?”. Then I saw a girl. I cannot remember her face. I never could. From the way she walked I could see that she was differently. Her whole composure was unique. Anyway I didn’t think much of her at first.

A few weeks passed and again I thought about that girl. For this post I’ll call her That Girl. Me and one of the only two people I know referred to her as the “Blou Tas” (blue bag) since she always carried a blue backpack to school. However in English it sounds rude so I’ll just stick to That Girl. I was again waiting for the class and I looked to see if she’ll come up the stairs. She did.

From then on I kept my eyes open for her. I never stalked her. I consciously decided that I’ll never do that. I’ll stay with my friends and if I see her I see her and if I don’t I don’t. In time I realised that That Girl and her friend would walk around the school every break. In the mornings, as each grade departed consecutively, I saw her depart with the Grade 10 class, which means she was 16.

I was never in love. As I put it to a friend, I was “deeply interested”. I always thought that if I could only get the chance I would ask for her name. A friend offered to find out for me, but I wanted to ask her. I wanted to go through the awkward situation of randomly approaching her and asking for her name. If only I had the opportunity. Every time I saw her she was either with her friend or in a hurry to get to class. I thought, the only reason I am not asking her is because I don’t get the chance. I definitely thought I could do it.

Then one day, after school, I saw her depart from her class. This was my chance. This was it. As she walked I started to approach her… but I couldn’t. I could not get the courage to speak to her. I was wrong. I don’t have the confidence. I’m rarely wrong. I’m never wrong. It was kind of a shock to me that I couldn’t do it.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not an extroverted, confident, ladysman. I’m introverted, not handsome and I have a speech defect. Yet I thought that despite it all, I could do it. And I couldn’t.

Anyway as the year ended so did my obsession with her, though at times I still wonder about her. But rarely.

I never got to know her name…

I’m not sure why I talked about this girl. I guess I would’ve written about her eventually.

Last year in the middle of the year I would go to a park nearby. It’s a pathetic place, just like the entire town I lived in. No trees. Just a few tables and a “gym” set-up. I frequently, whether during the holidays or after schools, sat at one of the tables feeling incredibly lonely.

My “True Friend” (see my previous posts) was either obsessed with his girlfriend or depressed about her while my other best friend (the one from The Braai) sidelined me. After things got better he said that it was because of his girlfriend. I didn’t believe him. He started ignoring me since before they met. But I just dropped it. The fact is I was rather alone.

In the park I would think about the following year at university. How I would most likely meet the girl of dreams. I pictured her as reserved, quiet, intelligent and beautiful. Someone I could connect with.

How wrong I was.

All of this so far was a bit of background to my situation with The Girl. So here it comes.

The next year, this year, after a week of orientation our classes at university began. On the first day I had German. It’s just a beginners course which lasts a year. On the very first day The Girl had my attention. She sat opposite me with a coke can in her hand. I’m unsure how to describe her. She was talkative (though she didn’t speak to me) and she was incredibly lively. She is also a friend to (what shall I call her from henceforth on?) “The Precious Friend”. The Precious Friend is a girl who I met, or rather who met me, during the orientation week. She’s the girl which helped me through my tough times recently in my previous posts.

On that first day (or was it the following day?) I remember The Girl putting her Coca Cola can on the floor by the table. I have an instinct for knowing when stuff will happen and I knew the lector was going to knock it over. I was prepared for this and I knew I could use such a situation to get The Girl’s attention.

My prophecy was fulfilled when the lector knocked it over. I then tore out a page out of my notebook and tried to clean it up. It worked. The Girl appreciated it, though I couldn’t really dry it up. I mean it’s just normal paper after all.

After two or three weeks, I don’t know how, I got to spend some time with her. I don’t recall why. I never before in my life spend such a long time with any girl. She just talked and I think we were trying to sort out our timetables. That day I even walked with her to her home, not her home-home, but the home where she lives during the week.

To me, who never speaks to a girl and was never in a relationship just walking with a girl to her home was an experience.

But things changed.

In the next week or two she started to put me off. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t speak much, she just did some things which I disliked. In the next week or two she did three things. Once in class she, somewhat rudely, talked me to speak louder. After we got our marks for our first politics semester test she again said something rather not nice about mine. Not too bad, but just a bit too mean for me personally. Then during a German tutorial she was really mean with out female tutor. She told the tutor that she was wasting her time.

All of these things put me off. Kindness is a core aspect I search for in every person. However, as I discovered a few months ago, she most likely acted this way because of her sickness. Without giving too much detail, I will just say that it’s a female thing but worse. So looking back it might be that she was in pain and going through that.

Nevertheless I lost interest.

Then came a few weeks before the exams. Somewhere in May. She started asking for help with her German. I would come and try to help her on campus. I never thought much of it. One day after we finished she had to use glue for glue a picture to her assignment. No body had one, not even in the library. In the library something happened. For a moment, after I said something, she smiled.

The way she smiled left a strange feeling in my head. It was odd. But I didn’t think much of it as my thoughts during that time was still mostly focused on still another girl, but I’ll leave her for another post.

Later on the exams came. I remember helping her over Whatsapp for our upcoming Religion Studies exam, our last one before the holidays. By that time I knew I was going to miss her afterwards. After that test I walked with her to outside the campus and as we greeted, I already started missing her. It was then that I knew I felt something for her.

Shortly afterwards I went to the mall with the Best Friend. Before that I thought about how similar he and The Girl is. So when I met him there I told him about her. About what’s she’s like and the things she does. I thought about how compatible they would be for each other, even though I knew I already felt something for her.

In the next few weeks me and The Girl talked a lot at night over Whatsapp. Keep in mind that I was always the one who messaged first (In one of my previous posts I remarked on how strange it was for her to message me a while ago). After a while she invited me to a braai (a barbecue).

But I had a problem. She lives quite a distance away and I had no lift. The only option was… a ride with The Best Friend. As such I had to invite him as well, she even said I should.

That day was amazing, but not for the reasons you think. Those two clicked like I never thought possible. They just talked and talked the whole time. They were similar in so many aspects, they even ate their waffles the same way! I was really, honestly, glad for them both. That night I even thanked God for both curing me of my feelings for her and for using me to bring two good people together.

When I slept that night, I only awoke three months later. Only months later did I regain my senses. Only after months did I regain my mind.

The next day I felt INCREDIBLY down. I never felt anything like it. I felt so incredibly depressed. Honestly depressed. I wasn’t even sure if it was about The Girl, but it was. From then on my emotions had the better of me. Usually my logical and emotional sides were balancing each other. They always fought, but it used to be that I could think rationally even on my darkest days. But since I awoke that next day it was as if my emotions were the only side left.

To make a long story short for the rest of the holidays I was depressed. I kept trying to find out how their relationship was going. I never attempted to break it. In fact, I always tried to help them. I thought it would be incredibly selfish to come between them, so I helped them.

Then the next semester came. Looking back this semester felt like a new year compared to the first. From the first week I was with her every day. I was obsessed with her. Literally.

In that first week she even came over to my apartment after she gave me a lift. Never before has a girl been to my home (though this was my flat where I lived in during the week). It’s just different for me. I’m not the guy who usually sees a lot of girls.

Keep in mind that during this time she and the True Friend was getting pretty much in love. I fought my jealously be honestly giving them both advice about the other if they asked. I thought that to fight my feelings, I should go entirely opposite to them.

I had a few breakdowns during the following weeks because of how I felt. Not major, but at times I really felt down because of my situation.

But later on things got bad. My friend was getting slightly irritated with her. He began to think that maybe they shouldn’t be together. He didn’t tell her at first. This fact started to bug me.

Do you know how it feels to care so much someone, while that someone cares so much for someone else who doesn’t care about them? You don’t want to know. If you do know, then you know how I felt.

Like I said, I frequently waited outside class with her. Between classes I loved to just listen to her. All her issues. All her complaints. All her stuff. I love her voice. But she started to confuse me.

She rarely waited for me after classes. She would just walk out without greeting. She did say later on that this is just the way it works at university, but that doesn’t hold water as I’ll tell you. Keep in mind I never go to her classes. Only on the classes we have together do I wait for her. Later on I decided to test whether or not she wants me to wait. On Fridays after History I would walk slowly out. Once or twice she simply ignored me, so I left. After a while she would message me and ask where I am. So she does expect me to wait? She never waits for me yet she considers this normal university life not too wait yet she expects me to wait yet she doesn’t expect me too? This is how I started to get confused.

This confusion reached a breaking point in the middle of August. This confusion was coupled with my increasingly shaking relationship with my friends which I also have to explain.

I already had some negative feelings towards the True Friend. Not for being the object of desire for The Girl, but for the fact that he doesn’t appreciate her. He was also regularly mean with me over Whatsapp. I noticed that people are very direct and different online than in person. I also, more than once, told him that I want to see him. That I miss him. But he is also always busy on weekends.

The other best friend, I’ll call him The Other Friend, also bugged me. For weeks I would try to organise to meet him on a weekend. I think for three or four weeks I would try and he would always be busy. I honestly understood that. I mean I’m busy, he’s busy. He’s a friend and if he could he would try to see me, you know? Guess I was wrong.

Here came one of the two causes for my breakdown which I went through in my first post. I was going home for the weekend. I thought, I could see the True Friend Perhaps. Perhaps I could at least play online with the Other Friend. And hell, only in my dreams would I have seen The Girl. I would have loved to see her, but she’s in love with the True Friend so obviously I won’t.

She also told me that she might see him. I understand that.

So keep in mind the following facts: I came home with the hope of seeing the True Friend while also constantly thinking about The Other Friend and The Girl. There are other people at university who would like to see me, but they can’t because I’m going home with the hope of seeing the True Friend. I live nearby the True Friend. For weeks I wanted to see the Other Friend, though this one week I didn’t even try to organize to see him. I love The Girl. I miss both my friends.

Watch how it collides.

That weekend, I heard that the Other Friend slept over at the True Friend. The next day The Girl visited them both and they had a great time and went to the mall and stuff and they didn’t invite me at least for the mall part.

Read those facts again. Every single one of them.

I could wrap my head around that fact that she wants to see him. They like each other. I understand.

I could wrap my head around the Other Friend seeing the True Friend. Perhaps he also misses the True Friend. So I could at least try to comprehend him choosing to see him even though for weeks I wanted to see him.

She is like my best female friend, not theirs. Those are my best friends. MY best friends. Not hers.

All of these facts and thoughts collided and it pushed me to the edge.

That next week on Tuesday the True Friend said some really mean stuff to me on Whatsapp. I snapped and I ignored him. I ignored him totally for days. That same day I once again went with The Girl to the library. There were other people who followed as well. They wanted to find something out about anthropology or something. I waited and as they left she didn’t even turn her head to see where I am. This sounds rather over sensitive of me, and perhaps it is, but I just snapped.

I snapped. I lost it. I lost my emotions. For the next two or three days I totally ignored the True Friend. So much that he thought I was brainwashed by a Christian group I joined. I also ignored her. Though “ignore” isn’t the right term since she didn’t bother to talk to me.

I wanted to see if she’ll even care if I’m gone. If she’ll notice. If she’ll miss me. So the next few days I didn’t wait for her and I skipped classes I had with her. I was so cold. What I realised weeks later is that, instead of trying to find out why I’m different, she simply left me to deal with my issues myself. It was very obvious to her that I am not in a good mood towards her. But looking back, why didn’t she try to help me?
But there’s no excuse to how wrong it was of me to act that way. Despite the fact that I was right in that she doesn’t care that I didn’t wait or didn’t come to classes, I acted wrongly. I was so cold. I can’t begin to describe it.

It feels abrupt to end my post here, but I’ve said enough. Now you will understand everything. Where I’ve ended here you can read further on in my first post which I wrote in that week.

Always Something to Say

As I was looking at an email telling me how someone liked on of my posts, I thought “Do I have something new to say? Do I have something to say about The Girl? Or my friends?” Yes and no.

While most of the other posts are written at a crises point, at a point where I just can’t take something, this one is written in a pause. A pause where everything moves rather slowly.

So what do I have to say? Well let’s start off with The Girl. As I said, this time I’m writing in a pause. In a lull.

Wait. I do have something to say about her. Yes.

For a long while we haven’t really talked. You have to understand that were not mad. It’s not like we had an argument. We just don’t talk. I realise now that it’s been a long while since I’ve actually spoken of her. I’m gonna make this post a continuation to the last one about her. Please read it here.

So after that post I went on holiday to Margate (by a beach) with the True Friend. The one she was in love with. During the holiday she messaged both of us, asking how we were and talking about the biography assignment we have. Since she messaged us both, I assumed that she missed the braai (barbeque) we had. I mean she’s alone and the only time she saw us together was at the braai.

Did I ever talk about the braai? I guess I should, not that I want to. It’s not the same braai as the one with my friends. But when I talk about it, it will give even more backstory to everything. Eventually you’ll know the entire story. I think my next post will be one where I describe exactly how I fell in love with her, from the start, through the braai, until where I started on this blog. But for now, I’ll talk about the last month.

So since my last about her I never messaged her. I think once I succumbed to the temptation, but I really want to see HER message ME. Like she did before the holiday in that post. How she confused me. After the holiday things were “normal” again. Normal in the sense that we don’t speak… not really. The week after the holiday, the Tuesday (two weeks ago) me, her and the female best friend (the one in this post) had Religion Studies. It’s always the last class on a Tuesday.

There she acted quite normal and sociable. She seemed entirely in a good mood and she even asked why I skipped the German class before that one. Why does she even care? She never even cared if I’m present in a class during the time we were friends.

When the class ended we three walked outside the building. In the time where me and the Girl were friends, real friends, we would always say goodbye with a hug. Keep in mind that for more than a month we haven’t been at all that close. So when she said goodbye, I could see she wanted to hug me goodbye. I didn’t. For a moment I could see confusion in her face. I just can’t take it anymore.

However that night she messaged me again. Just a simple “How are you?”. So we talked normally through the night. On the phone Whatsapp if she messages me, I talk as though everything is fine. I actually hate speaking on Whatsapp. I really prefer to talk in person. But I decided I don’t really care anymore whether or not I talk to her on the phone. So I talked as though everything is fine.

A week past, then came last Wednesday. The night before I recall (I could be wrong) that we spoke over the phone again. As though all is well. On Wednesdays we have a German tutorial. In it we either have an oral test, or we prepare for one. That day we prepared. I sat on my usual spot and she sat on another table at the end. Although there were others at my table, I worked alone. I always observe her. I saw how she didn’t really get help from the others at her table. How they were too obsessed with each other.

In that time I was dying again. I thought something along the line of how much I’d like to talk to her. I even thought of taking the chance of sitting next to her. But that’s just my daydreaming. But soon the teacher gave us an opportunity to start our work on the oral for next week. It’s basically just a speech we have to write. I started with mine. Meanwhile I still observed how she struggled.

To my delight she called me to sit opposite her to work out the speech. While we did it I was on Cloud 9. For a few moments as she was talking I felt as though I just want to hold her face in my hands and kiss her.

It looks like I’m still in love. It is slowly dying out, that’s for sure. But I am still in love. That’s also sure. But I’m glad it is slowly going away.

Later on Wednesdays we have a history tutorial. I love Wednesdays. It’s just these easy, sit-back-and-relax type of classes.

Keep in mind that every single time I see her, every time, I lose my mind a bit. Whether I just see her sitting somewhere or whatever. I can’t help but be slightly out of my mind. I don’t know how to describe it correctly. It’s like I’m feeling what I felt during that time I broke down. 

So after class I walked a bit away from it and then paused. I thought about her. About whether or not I should head home immediately. Then The Girl walked past with the blind girl who also attends our classes. She was helping her to her class. The Girl seemed to invite me to walk with them, though she didn’t expressly say so. So I walked with them.
After we dropped off the blind girl we talked a bit. Or actually usually she’s the one that’s talking. I’m just listening. Sometimes I wonder if she misses that. If she misses someone like me who will just listen. Who will listen to all her (quite numerous) complaints and desires and random stuff. I love it. All of that bore others, but I love her voice.

She still had a normal German class to attend (I attended the morning one). So I walked her to the lift. Just before she entered she loosened her hair. What the right phrase? She took out the strings to let her hair fall down. (Sorry at the moment I’m not sure of the English way to describe it). She looked beautiful as she entered the lift. As it closed I simply said goodbye.

And I haven’t really seen her since for a week and I probably won’t for another.

That’s the story. But here’s how I am now:

As I’ve said twice before, at the moment I’m in a lull. Because I don’t see her often I don’t think of her often. At the moment my focus is really not on her at all. Though, as I’m writing I must admit, creating this post entirely about her, even though it really wasn’t even the plan, in itself tells me that she occupies a deeper, as yet unseen, part of my mind (and heart) which I myself aren’t aware of.

That’s all I have to say.

She still confuses me!

Although you don’t have to, it will help a lot if you read the previous post.

So the past few weeks have been rather good. I saw The Girl almost never. This was because of a combination of tests, changing schedules and last week being a week without class. It really helped. The less I see her, the better. When I did she her there was this awkward atmosphere between us.

So last week I went with the Real Friend to resort by a dam. In the nights we swam in the pool and talked about stuff, including the girl. I remembered how I still missed her at that stadium. Just in a little way. I mean for weeks we haven’t really talked, neither online nor in person.

The Monday, this Monday, I thought by myself that should that girl which helped me (see my first few posts) ask me how I feel about The Girl these days, I would tell her that I’m honestly getting over her. I mean I’m starting to get slightly more interested in someone else. That someone else I’ll call the Turtle Girl (hint: she’s the one in this post). But more on her another time.

What bothered me a lot about The Girl during the time we were friends is that she never messaged me just to talk. The ONLY time she messaged me first, was if she needed help with an assignment or something. Even before this semester in the holiday she would never message first.

With all this in mind, I was extremely surprised this Monday night to receive a message from her simply asking how I’m doing. Immediately I thought she probably needs help with this specific history assignment. So I replied and without being too direct (If I just said “do you need help with something?” I would’ve come off as rude), I said something along the lines of “how are you progressing with it?”. To my amazement she didn’t want to even talk about it.

So why then is she messaging me? Remember she never messages me first and never to know how I’m doing. Then I remembered how I told the True Friend of how The Girl and me don’t talk anymore. So asked him if he talked to her about me. He said he didn’t. Lately I realised that few people value truth as much as I do, so perhaps he is lying. Nevertheless I will assume he is telling the truth.

Why is she messaging me? I noticed the weekend before that she was rarely online on Whatsapp and at that moment she messaged me it was rather late. So perhaps she doesn’t REALLY have someone to talk to? I mean she has all those thousands of “mates”. Why message me? And why is she suddenly talking as if everything is normal?

Suffice to say we had a normal, interesting conversation.

The next day she did the same. Why?

It’s stuff like this which really confuses me about her. Everytime I get a bad opinion of some aspect of her, she eventually proves me wrong. I thought she is selfish, yet she once valued me enough to help me cook food. Her coming over to my flat meant more to me than I can describe. I thought at a time she was superficial, then I heard of all those PAINFUL stuff she went through. Stuff I won’t mention.

For months I thought she really didn’t value me. She always only messaged me when she needed me, yet at times when I messaged her she ignored me. (This was before we drifted apart). This belief that she used me helped me to almost get over her. I was so damn close. And now she does this. “Hows it going?”.

Why do you have to confuse me? I was really at the edge of getting over you.

You know, each night I say two prayers. The second one is where I just talk to God about whatever is on my mind. In my first prayer, every night, I pray for my family and my friends. 5 specific friends. Including her. Even though for weeks we haven’t talked. That Sunday before the Monday I almost decided to leave her out of my prayer. Not praying for her after months would show that I’m over her. That, even though admit I will miss her sometimes, I am officially and permanently over her. I almost didn’t. Yet I thought, just this once more. That’s how I close I was.

And now this.

What does it mean? What is God’s purpose in this? Is there one?

Perhaps He’s testing me? Perhaps for some reason He wants to keep my thoughts away from the Turtle Girl for some reason? Perhaps she needs me and I’m the only one which can help. Is it some proof that I shouldn’t give up now?

Or am I just over-analyzing all of it?

Or is it just possible that she misses me?

Just before I was writing this article I couldn’t resist sending her a message. The last we talked being Tuesday (today is Thursday). Just a simple “I just want to know how you are?”.

While I was writing I got a reply saying she is at home – away from the university. So I won’t see her tomorrow. Or next week… we have recess next week.

So now I wonder, perhaps God wants her to stay away from me after all now that I won’t see her. Now that for the next week or so I’ll have even more time to get over her completely. But then what was the point of our conversations this week? I was at the nippertjie (the edge) of being done with her before this week. Now I won’t see her for the next week. So what was the point of talking to her this week if it was only to confuse me?

I just don’t understand any of this.

I still miss Her – But not as much

So lately I’ve really regained myself. It’s been a few weeks since I got my senses back and things are rather good. Though I wouldn’t post here if there weren’t things that bothered me.

Two things actually. Two things which show that I’m not that “alright” as I think I am. Let’s start with the friendship one.

So me and my friend, the one who caused me hell and henceforth will be called the True Friend, are going to a vacation resort this weekend. We have off from Wednesday until the end of the week.

I’m going with him and his family.

I was really wondering about whether or not I should go. On the one hand I’ve complained numerous times in this blog that I never see my friends, and now I have the opportunity. I also love the idea of that Night Atmosphere with music and such. I really want that.

Yet I know he will tire me. And I him. I’m an introvert and I can see that he’s gonna really make me wish I stayed.

Yet the alternative is too horrific. I thought I might stay and relax. I could do some work, which I have to do now if I go, while I also take it easy for a while. But then I remember how it felt during that time. During the not so long ago time where everything went rather shit. I remember sitting at home. Stuck. Absolutely stuck. I couldn’t see my friends. Or rather, they didn’t want to see me.

It’s a horrible feeling. I know if I stay I’m gonna sit at home on my computer while thinking of how my best friends are having a great time… without me. Like that one weekend where I referred to where he, my other friend and The Girl met up without me even though I was so close by and so in love with her, while she was in love with with him. What they did there broke me.

But that’s over.

My point is I’m not entirely healed yet.

The second thing is, as always, that girl. The Girl.

Lately I’m honestly getting on alright. I feel (or felt, I’m tired and lazy now) really happy the last week or two and she is occupying less and less of my thoughts. Yet she still does.

I feel like it’s a pulse. A pulse of a heart. This fits in so poetically with the whole idea of my dying love. Here’s an illustration:

heartbeat

I went through a phase where she was my all. I lived for her. I didn’t even have a life. She didn’t even realise it, but she was all that was on my mind, when my heartbeat was at his highest. Then came that dark period which you can read by yourself (the first few posts). That is the down side. When it was low. So friggen low.

With time it really got better, yet this weekend and now I started missing her again, but only to some extent. I miss who she was. Either she changed or I had the wrong idea of her or I’m just looking for a reason as to why she pushed me away. If she did. Perhaps she feels I pushed her away. No. It was her. I wanted to be a friend. Honestly, I would really have been content with that… at least I think so.

But I had enough.

My point is I’m going through ups and downs, though the ups and downs of my feelings for her are reaching lower and lower peaks, until, eventually….

hearbeatdead

And You? – Why do we feel different depending on who asks?

Warning: My posts aren’t made with the intention of being interesting. They are made because I need to share my thoughts with someone. And thoughts aren’t always structured or entertaining.

So tonight I have done absolutely zero. I had this crazy idea that I would have completed my history assignment and prepared for my Spanish oral today. How unrealistic of me.

I figured that since I haven’t done much, I might as well get too sleep early… 10 o’clock. Well, as I’m writing it’s already 11. This is how bad I am at keeping to my own (already vague) schedules.

This post is also about The Girl. She’s been the main topic of this blog so far, but to understand this post you only need to read this short one, which I wrote last Friday (it’s Tuesday today).

For almost precisely a week I haven’t really spoken with her, besides a quick “Hello, how are you” thingy we all say when we see someone we recognise. But we haven’t spoken. Not in person or online.

So today as I walked to the university I got a message from her for the first time in a week. She simply asked how it is going and whether or not I have space in my bag for a couple of books I lend her a few months back. I simply said in a neutral grammatical voice, that I could make space, but she can hold on to them for another while. I didn’t answer her question about how I am, since it’s obvious that she only asked it because it sounds a bit rude to simply immediately talk about the books if she hasn’t seen me in a while.

But anyway she never brought the books and I saw her in my German class, though I didn’t really speak with her alone.

This evening, as I said, I procrastinated the whole time. After a few hours I laid on my bed and saw her messages on Whatsapp. I’m so tempted to speak with her. I bowed to my urges and asked a simple “I just want to know how things are going?”, to which she replied that she’s chilling out. I simply said “I’m glad” with an thumbs up emotion, my intention being NOT to start a conversation. Simply because I can’t bare going through what I did again.

So I decided to take a long bath while listening to my biggest hero, Kent Hovind’s recent upload on YouTube about Homo Naledi (hater’s gonna hate…). I purposely left my phone in my room, knowing that someone might just message me. I want to get away from it, not that people really message me anyway.

When I returned I saw a message from The Girl saying “And you?”.

It was then that I decided to write this post to reflect on how I feel different based on who asks. If one of my friends from the braai (see the post on it) asked me how I am, I would say “amazing”. Yet I’ve told only one person (two if you include the blog) about how, even though things are great at the moment, The Girl is my vice. She can throw me off my recently regained emotional balance. Once again, see that other post I shared earlier in this post if you haven’t.

So now she asks me how I am. What do I say? Do I say “amazing” and give the impression that nothing is wrong, especially regarding her? She obviously thinks something wrong. Why else would I randomly out of the blue ask her how she is doing? If I tell her I’m great then she will find it creepy how I randomly messaged her. Not only that, but she’ll never know what she means to me. Or did mean to me. But perhaps that is good? But then won’t I be lying if I say it’s great since she specifically makes it really terrible? Telling her what she’s doing to me, or what she is capable of doing to me, is out of the question. So do I ignore her? I can’t do that.

Am I overthinking it?