You are not Friends

I don’t mean that you are not my friends. What I mean is that you don’t know what it’s like to be friends. 

I’m talking every single one of you bastards who are so insanely individualistic and yet so superficially in support of “friendship”. You assholes who think you know what friendship entails, but really don’t.

I can sum up a friend in one simple sentence: someone who will often stick you for a cup of coffee. Someone who would like to see you often.

That is the essence of a friend.

How do I express my anger without sounding petty, which I probably am? For the first few months I was staying at that forsaken place, alone, without doing ANYTHING. You KNEW that. Yet you just didn’t give a shit, did you? It’s not like anyone of you thought: “Hey! We’re off to watch this rugby game! Why don’t we invite him? I mean he’s a cool friend who I would want to see”. Nah I simply didn’t even enter your thoughts.

That’s why I moved back to where my real friends are. Screw you all.

And sometimes you say you miss me. Do you really? Aren’t you just lying to yourself? You and your 100+ friends? You probably “miss” all of them too. A few weeks ago I read a picture with text on a rather cliche Spanish Facebook page. It said: “Dices ‘te extraño’, pero no vienes a verme’. That is, “You say you miss me, but you don’t come to see me”. When I was still staying at that place I suggested that we and whoever else should go to the art museum, or the zoo, or anywhere you want. After all, we are students! We are free! But you just never took the time. You and the other one are the only people I ever saw over there. Now I moved back and whenever you mention that we should still do this, I can’t help but shake my head.

Or you, who are SO obsessed with that damn videogame. You came over and I wanted to share with you a game I recently purchased (I rarely purchase games nowadays) and you simply didn’t care. And you should know by now that I rarely play anything. You were just so obsessed with that damn… demo (he didn’t have the game, just a demo of it). And a few weeks later when I told you I’m busy you asked me if it was because I was playing that game you played. Like what the fuck, man? Are you so daft and self-focused? And you just couldn’t understand how I could not be playing that game of yours. And today when you send me that Steam invite to play DOTA with you. Seriously? I told you I don’t have it, that I don’t want to play it, that I prefer League of Legends, that it is too expensive, yet you send the invite? I don’t expect you to remember everything I told you, but come on.

And you, you have the best heart of anybody I know, yet even you have that student individualist mentality. I told you months ago that I moved out and that I’m driving in each day for class. Why the hell then do you think I can watch a movie at night? Or that we can go to “my place”. I hate that place. Or we would agree that we would see each other at that time, but when I messaged you to ask where you are, you said you are on your way home? What the fuck? Or you would keep asking me: “Are we going to go watch that movie next week?”. And I would say yes. Then my other friends would ask me to go watch that same movie with them but because of my promise to you I  would decline them… only to hear that the weekend you watched that movie on you own anyway!

This also reminds me of you, The Girl, who was such a pain a few years back. We were friends, yet after class you would simply vanish without looking back. Unless I took the trouble to catch up with you we would never speak. So I got confused. Perhaps you just don’t want to – we all have our tastes. You once said that it is just “university life” NOT to greet your friends. Yet the next time in class, just to see what you’d do, I would take you on your advice by simply walking out without greeting or looking back, but then after a few minutes you would message me asking me where I am? So you do expect me to wait? I used to think that this was simply you. But now I realise it is all of you.

Or perhaps I’m the one that’s mad.

Nah. I’m staying with my two cool friends over here. Yes they have their issues. Yes I’ve complained about them numerous times on this blog as well. But at least they know what it is like to be a friend. None of you do.

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I’m an Ignorer King

I feel bad writing this rant immediately after my post on Christ.

You know what pisses me off? Two three four things: people being severely impatient, people who just assume things, people who don’t know when they ask too much, and not having emotional space. At this very moment of writing my friend is sending me “hi” on Steam – constantly. It would be an understatement to say he has written it 30 times already, and now as I type this I see the Steam popups of these messages coming through.

What the hell do you expect? If I’m not going to answer after your third post, why do you think I’ll answer after the 30th post?

A week ago another friend did the same thing on Whatsapp: probably sending a message 15 times. Come on. The day before yesterday the Steam friend did it while I was on the way to university, listening to my music through Bluetooth constantly being interrupted by these whatsapp messages. Why? Just why? If I’m not answering, I am either away from the phone or ignoring you. If I’m away, what does it help to send multiple messages? If I’m ignoring you, why would I answer you after a specified number of messages? Dude, just stop. All you’re doing is irritating me, and yet you expect me to remain cool when I answer you?alpes.JPG

The second thing that ties in with this is the lack of emotional space. Some people simply don’t give you any room to have a different mood. If you get upset, they get upset because you’re upset. If you have a bad day, they will take it personally and then use it against you until you apologise. But if they are in a bad mood you just have to let it be. This is of tremendous importance: you must be allowed to show your mood. I’m not talking about taking it out on somebody – that is always unexcusable. I’m talking about those times you are tired and you don’t want to speak, and then because you seem a bit irrtated, without you being mean, people hold it against you. This is really selfish: they just HAVE to make it about themselves. You just HAVE to be in a good mood; shame on you if you’re not. Think about this for a second – this puts you in a kind of emotional prison, or at least into some kind of emotional fakeness, which is unhealthy. Take the above case of the messages: if I am simply rude and say “stop doing this” they’ll take it personally as though I have no right to protest against what they’re doing. So I just don’t do it and I just suffer the pain.

A while back on my birthday I had a similar experience: I have this one friend whom I’ve mentioned on this blog who likes to manipulate people to some extent. He would say things like “If you have time”, “If you really want to”, “So that’s how it is”, “Sorry I bothered you”. Those people who want you to be sorry for them, who like trying to guilt trip you. A few days before my birthday he asked if he could visit that Friday. I had to study for my semester test on Monday, so I asked if we could catch up on Monday evening. He couldn’t, so he replied with “Sorry I bothered you”. He did that twice in the discussion. Then I lost it and told him that I will not suffer my third year semester test and that I tried to see him the week before – in short I clearly (with no ill words) told him what I thought. He didn’t reply.  It just can’t be that THEY are the one with the problem, you know. On my birthday he asked “Can I come tomorrow?”. I said, “I wish we could, but I have to work the whole day tomorrow at a shop”. Then that damn reply of him: “Oh, when do you have time for me?“. On my damn birthday he wanted to guilt trip me. So I ignored him for the rest of the day. So he wondered why I’m “different” these days. It just can’t be that HE made a mistake, you know, it HAS to be me.

The third problem is people who just assume things. Sometimes in a discussion I come across as cold and calculating. I have a tendency to always question what people say, not because I disbelieve them, but simply because I want to know their reasoning. In short, I like to play Devil’s Advocate. But people really take this the wrong way, though I am partly responsible. One person would talk about this and that, and I would ask “why?”. So he just assumes that I think therefore that “this and that” is wrong. I did not say that! I want the reasoning. Lately it is really hard for me to discuss things with people because they simply don’t argue correctly. If I try to make a point, they would go off on some irrelevant tangent. If I provide a counter example, they would take my argument to the extreme. In a discussion with my dad on “tolerance” I said that it is intolerant to force tolerance on people, which means the idea undermines itself. So he assumed I’m arguing for some anarchist system where no speech is limited. I did not say that!

Or, not in arguments, but in other cases, someone would ask me if I’m in the mood for pizza. I would say “No”. Then they would conclude that therefore I don’t like pizza! I did not say that! Or what really bugs me about the one side of my family, is that they would conclude a habit based on a single event. Now, as we learnt in maths, you can only predict a series of numbers if you have at least three numbers. You cannot take “3” and immediately conclude that the next number is “9”. You cannot do that even if you have two numbers (1, 4). You can only do that if you have three numbers (1, 4, 9). The point of this is that they would see me make a cup of tea at one o’clock, and therefore conclude that I always make tee at one o’clock. No! You can’t just assume that. Or in another vein, I would usually socialise during the day and then relax in front of the pc at night. So when I talk to my friends online at night, they always find me either in front of the pc or working on an assignment. So they just assume that therefore I’m in front of the pc the whole day and that thus I need to “get out more”. Man this irritates me.

The last thing that bothers me has bothered me for as long as I could remember: when you help somebody and that person is mean while you are helping them. I recall when still in primary school my older sister would ask me to help move something in her closet. I would do so, and then she’ll start being mean to me if I make a mistake. So eventually when she acted that way I just left her to herself. Recently this manifested in me doing my friend a favour. During the week he wanted to go to a shop nearby to look at laptops. He doesn’t have a car so he rides to work on his bicycle. So I drove ALL THE WAY to his work, and there I struggled to find where exactly he works. So after riding around the block and accidentally going into a residential area I came close to his work and stopped on the opposite side of the road in a bit of a clearing. But on whatsapp he kept insisting that I come inside. I didn’t want to. Then he came out with his bicycle and kept telling me to cross over to the opposite side. WHY? It is clear, he can come to ME. Why should I struggle with my car to go there? It is a lot safer for him to cross with his bicycle than for me to cross with my car. There is more than enough safe space where I am to load the bicycle (there was a bit of a gravel area next to the road where I stood). After some argument I went to the other side. Then he kept insisting that now I have to drive up a bit onto the sideway to get out of the way of the cars. WHY? Just load the damn thing, there is enough space. In fact, there was DAMN MORE THAN ENOUGH SPACE WHERE I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE!!! Bullshit like this drives me through the roof. It took everything in me to remain calm enough. I am helping YOU. YOU have no right to insist on ANYTHING. I’m not unreasonable, you can ask and usually I’ll do what you ask, but the moment you DEMAND that I help you in YOUR way I just want to leave you to yourself. The arrogance of it all!

I Turned My Back on You All

You know, last year was great. Last year I knew that year was great. This year is good, but not so much, you know?

But anyway. For a few months at the beginning of this year I stayed by myself at this residence a decent walk away from campus. I shared the kitchen with someone else, but all in all we kept to ourselves. I had a car, but I had to park it far away. This is crucial because it means I am stuck at night.

Do you know how many times I would go to stay there with the idea of “Maybe you and I will do this Monday, maybe this other friend and I will go watch a movie on Tuesday”. And it almost never happens, does it? Even when we plan it, it never happens.

Where the hell is the spontaneous inclusion of me in your life? And I’m talking about more than one person here. It’s not a case, it seems, for you, when you plan on going to some museum or rugby match to think “Hey, how about I invite him (me)? “He is after all a friend.” No. Screw me. I would sit and see facebook posts of this one game you went to watch, hear about how you all went to this club, about this exhibition you went to, etc. To hell with me.

You know what I miss, so, so much about school? All the guys were actually friends. With this I mean it was a case of “Obviously we invite everyone”. Of “when you and I happen to walk attend the same classes, then obviously we wait for each other”. Of “Whenever one of us in the group leaves to go home, then obviously we say goodbye”. Not this bullshit of leaving people out (not even taking a second to think about them), and of just running away as if friendship is some myth.

But it seems university life, and the particular type of people who happen to be students are incredibly individualistic. And forgetful. They rarely if ever take other people into account. They lack that true inclusive spontaneity.

Well screw you.

I’m staying here with my true friends.

The Extroverted Introvert

There is something called “personality tests”. I don’t care about them anymore (they are highly overrated), but I recall being placed as an INFJ (though a few months later as an INFP).

This “type” has one bit of truth which I find very fitting to myself: being an extroverted introvert. People tire me. They really do. Few people manage to give me energy, but for the most part every single one of them has some irritating quirks which sucks the life out of me like a leech.

So for the last few weeks I’ve been like a hermit: I go to class on Monday and Thursday… and then I head back home to my dog and cat, working on assignments, watching video series and reading a few things. I don’t “love reading”, by the way. “Reading” is not something you either love or hate. I like learning and I like good stories. If books are the best way to do these (as opposed to, say, documentaries or DVDs) then so be it.

Books are overrated.

Nerds are overrated.

Introverts are underrated.

But every so often I would yearn to go out. I absolutely love being out at night at some place with my friends. I love it. Yet these friends which are “extroverts” (so they say), are actually dead. They don’t want to do anything during the weak. They don’t go through trouble to do so. They just sit around at night playing RuneScape or watching TV.

Yet at school they considered me “boring” as they slept late on holidays (and on vacations) and never did anything other than play video games. The only reason they considered me so was that I didn’t (and don’t) like going out to be with a bunch of strangers.

But anyway, it is not my intention to blast friends I haven’t seen in weeks for things they said years ago. I got distracted:

I just saw a picture of the Precious Friend (see this post which has the same idea as this one), out at some campus residence event. Man that looks awesome! At night, with people you know! That’s just it, isn’t it? The best thing I can imagine is such a night event, neither too cold nor too hot, with stalls and music and events… but full of people I know. How I wish I could be there now!

But I know tomorrow they are gonna tire me again. My friends, especially those at campus, absolutely fail to just realise my situation. They never seem to consider it: I am staying at home (not at the flat anymore, although I still have access to it), driving to campus, and then after class driving back home.

Yet then WHY when you know this do you want to grab a cup of coffee after class at the flatWHY do you think, after we negotiated at half past ten to meet at half past one, that I would wait for you (because you forgot) until 1 o’ clock before going to where ever? WHY don’t you consider what I said about not wanting to drive in the dark, always taking your time, always wanting to go watch a movie at 3 o’ clock? WHY when you know I’m going to see someone else that day as well, do you just assume that I’m only going to see you?

It reminds me of that one time at school, where on the Thursday I and a friend negotiated to visit each other the next day, and then the next day, without even him realising it, that friend visited another friend. Not because he was mad. But simply because he forgot.

Or that other time, also in school, where at the start of the year we negotiated to sit at the front of the IT class (although I like the back). Then, as you were late, I sat at the front… only to see you come in later, walk past me, and sit at the back!

Or two weeks ago where you said we should absolutely go watch that film next week, only to find you watched it with your young nephew the weekend.

If all of the above cases were done out of some ill intent, I would paradoxically have been fine with it. But it’s precisely this lack of awareness by people that dries my energy up like bread exposed to a fire.

And you know, all of this caused me to lose a lot of loyalty for people. I mean the reason I’m at home and not at the flat is because if I stay there I will have a class until 12:30 on Monday… and then stay at the flat and rot until Thursday 9:30. In contrast at home I am, well at home. I have my pets, more privacy, my grandparents, my safety, etc.

For the first few weeks I stayed at the flat with the hope of seeing these two specific friends, yet I rarely did. Always cancelling our agreements or just simply forgetting.
Once again, they don’t do this out of ill intent for me. They simply do this because they don’t realise what I am sacrificing to see them.

 

Gedig vir my Vriende

Ek het hierdie geskryf op 28 Maart 2015, die jaar na ek klaar gemaak het met skool. 

 

Hoe vinnig verby is al daai dae
Van koffie, Playstation en Afrikaans.

Ek mis die eksamens – ek mis die koffie
Ek mis die “IT” – ek mis die “geleer”.

Geen meer WipeOut, LBP of Runescape
Nous dit net Tuks,
Baie werk en Inscape.

Geen meer Portal, Uncharted of Ezio
Nous dit net toetse,
My vriend – ek mis jou!

Wat het geword van ons na-toetse kuier?
Ons af-en-toe se skaak,
Ons poker en gaming?

Waar is ons Nesquik?
Die “Blou Tas”,
En die meisies?

Ai, my vriende…

Totsiens

 


 

“Koffie”: Vriend 1 het gereeld oorgekom vir koffie. Die Afrikaanse klas was ‘n pyn en tog altyd so lekker (Hy sou net iets sê van Oscar Pistorius se hofsaak, dan sou die hele klas en die onderwyseres oor dit gesels en sodoende sou ons nie werk nie).

“Ek mis die IT”: Vriend 4 sou gereeld voor ‘n eksamen toets oorkom om te leer… dan eindig ons op besig om Civilization 5 te speel.

“Geen meer wipeout”: Ek en Vriend 1 het hierdie drie games sat gespeel. Nou sit ek by Tuks en in daai jaar het hy by Inscape studeer.

“Geen meer Portal”: Ek en Vriend 2 het hierdie drie games weer sat gespeel.

“Ons af-en-toe se skaak”: Vriend 1 het gereeld oorgekom vir skaak en ligte poker.

“Waar is ons Nesquik?”: Vriend 3 het baie gehou van sy Nesquik. Net hy het geweet van die “blou tas”, wat ‘n codename was vir ‘n meisie wat ek my oë op gehad het (syt ‘n blou tas gedra).

 

 

 

You’re Laziness Makes You an Atheist

I’ve just woke up and I’m still tired, but I’m still thinking of this dream I had about this marvelous girl. Wow, was she amazing! But that’s for another time.

At 3 AM the Best Friend, whose Whatsapp notification is darn loud, messaged me twice. I’ve just read the message. He referred to a video on religion and said that videos like these makes him himself defeated in his Christian faith.

A part of me don’t care anymore, to be honest. I’ve spent the last few months absorbed in Christian apologetics. From Craig, to Copan, to Qureshi, and Zacharias, I just can’t get enough.

I’ve been a born again Christian for a few years now and I used to believe in a young earth and King James Onlyism and all that. As I’ve said in this post, last year a friend of mine became an atheist through a combination of evolution, Nietzsche and the new atheists like Hitchens. My lack of comprehensive answers drove me to search for good responses. And boy did I get good responses from the people I’ve just mentioned! But by then it was too late. I’ve failed my friend because I was stupid and pathetic for believing in a young earth and all that jazz. I’ll explain this journey away from YEC and Kent Hovind in another post.

I’ve noticed during the last few years, that more often than not, when I send this Best Friend a link to an amazing video by one of these apologists, this friend of mine would either not have time, not have bandwidth or not have any desire to watch them. In short, because he’s lazy. I remember a few times where I mentioned a particularly insightful Bible verse at his home one day – one which can change his outlook on life, but he was kinda embarrassed to talk about it close to his brother.

To state it clearly: he calls himself a Christian but he is too damn lazy to act like one. He wants to be a Christian, but he is in no mood to change his behaviour. He wants to debate God with atheists on YouTube from time to time, but he is too damn lazy to look up Christian videos on these topics, especially the ones I sent him.

I remember talking to my grandfather about this. I predicted that while at the moment he is  very unconcerned about apologetics, that there will come a time where he will watch a video or read something which will disturb him to the core and make him doubt and leave his faith. And why? Because he was too lazy to care about it in the first place.

Ek Mis Jou

“Ek mis jou”

Ja right. Hou op jok. Of te wel, hou op om jou eie leuens te glo. Jy dink jy mis my, maar jy doen nie. Ek het dit van te vore gesien en ek gaan nie weer vir dit val nie; iemand wat my mis omdat sy terugdink aan ons tye saam net om te besef sodra ons mekaar sien dat sy my nie gemis het nie.

Daai memories is vol romanse, misterie en diepte – maar sodra jy in persoon kom met my wonder jy hoekom jy so gedink het. Soos ek sê, ek het dit al gesien.

En jy spesifiek: jou boyfriend het jou onlangs gelos en of jy dit besef of nie, jy dink nie helder nie. Jys ‘n intelligente meisie, maar jys ook ‘n emosionele meisie. Ek weet hoe dit is om te dink dat jy helder dink terwyl jy nie so dink nie. Jys eintlik in denial en op soek na ‘n anker. Dan die volgende dag besef jy hoe emosioneel jy was en hoe jy oorreageer het. Dat jy my nie eintlik gemis het nie. Maar dans dit te laat. Dan het jy klaar als opgemors.

Ja, maar as een keer die afgelope twee jaar was daar tye wat ek meer aan jou gedink het as wat gesond was. Albei kere was dit kort nadat hy jou gelos het. Want dan skielik is daar niks in my pad nie. En die pyn wat hy jou veroorsaak maak dat ek net soveel meer vir jou omgee. Maar eks nie van plan om weer my hart bo my kop te sit nie. Dit draai nooit goed uit as ek dit doen nie. Nee. Ek het my afstand gehou want ek weet jou situasie is tydelik. Dat beide jy en ek emosioneel is. Dat die Liefde geduldig is. So hoekom jaag?

Qué será, será.

 

Two Minor Incidents

I found this on one of my dormant social media accounts

Posted on September 5, 2014

People are blind. Stuck in their own world. Their own problems. Their own ideas. Their own dreams.Their own life.

The last couple of days I realised a distinct feature of myself. The ability to see in a person what others do not. Not positive things, but disappointment. The ability to see how a person feels.

A while ago I went to a friend’s 18th Birthday party. A very awesome guy.

When he invited us he asked us who’s going to sleep over. A few said yes, including his best friend. Not wanting to leave my mother alone at home I decided against it.

At the party, however, they decided to drop it. He already had all the stretchers and blankets necessary for a sleepover. I could see the disappointment on his face.

Don’t those fools realise this is his 18th Birthday? When I asked his best friend why he won’t stay he simply said he didn’t know. What the hell?

I tried to put myself in his situation. “Yeah, we’re gonna have a great party and a great sleepover. A typical boys only 18th birthday sleepover with video games, music, snooker, whatever.”

Now everybody says they won’t sleep over. No apologies. No excuses. They simply won’t stay. Why the hell not?

He told about how he thought they are gonna eat pizza and stay up all night. When he asked his best friend the same question he just said that he doesn’t want to sleep late.

When I finally left I simply texted him and said: “Thank you for the party. You’re a great guy and I hope someone stays.” Just so he knows someone cares.

Why didn’t his friends realise what they were doing to him?

I myself frequently fall victim to this kind of attitude.

A year ago my best friend and I decided to go to my house the next day after school. Everything was set.

The next day: Oh, his going to someone else. No apologies. No excuse. He simply forgot. It would bother others if that person were doing it on purpose. But what bothers me is his strong detachment from reality. The fact that he does it without realising it.

This year as well. We’re gonna go to my house and from there to the park nearby. But he first wanted to go to his house (about a mile from mine) to get dressed . So we did.

In his house he got dressed and then afterwords he did a few things on Clash of Clans. He asked me frequently if I was hurried. I replied (with what I thought the right answer) “no”.

I mean it’s half past three. I have to be home at 5. I wanted at least 2 hours with him doing what we came to do. But a few minutes won’t matter, right?

(One personality aspect of myself which people have to know is my patience: I do not mind waiting. What I do mind is wasting my time. Like when you wait for someone, but that person is taking his time talking to someone else. That bothers me.)

He proceeded to then get food and ate it while he watched T.V. (some comedy prank show). After he finished he continued watching. Some 10 minutes later I had damn enough. I got up. I told him I didn’t come here to watch bloody T.V. (I did state it more tactfully, without angering him).

After I told him he finally made ready to go.

But thanks to me being able to see things a bit clearer than most, I simply asked him if he just want to stay. He doesn’t have to come.

What’s the point of dragging him to my house against his will?

I then left and walked 1.5 km uphill on my own. An hour and a half of my life wasted. My day wasted. I could have done so much more. I could have finished my home work and then go to the park on my own. But now I can’t.

Those kinds of actions irritate me to the core.

I realise that I’ve gone way off course in this post, but I’ll keep it that way. I spoke my mind.

The Need to Change

I found this on one of my dormant social media accounts

Posted on September 5, 2014

Don’t we all have it?

That desire to be different. That desire to be something more. The desire to escape your current predicament. To be someone else. Someone New.

For a while now I’ve seen this in my best friend. Everyone knows him by “The Best Friend” [real name removed from this old post for anonymity]. Just The Best Friend. We’ve been calling him that for years.

I remember a few years ago he told me that in his previous school everyone called him “The Other Name”. Apparently the only reason people started calling him “The Best Friend” is because his new school messed up his name and put his second name first.

But over the years, as I’ve watched him change into a different man I’ve seen a disturbing trend. For the past year he has been more depressed and more volatile. More caught up in his circumstances. Caught up in himself.

The first time I’ve seen this was on DeviantArt. On his profile he said “The Other Name or The Best Friend”. Notice that.

Nobody calls him The Other Name. Not even his mother or brothers. Yet he puts “The Other Name” first. That’s interesting. He wants to be The Other Name. He doesn’t want to be The Best Friend.

But I noticed it again on Facebook. He recently made a new account and once again: “The Best Friend [insert surname] (The Other Name)”.

For a while I thought about logging into his account and changing it. He would never know. But he trusts me, and I him.

This got me thinking about how some people subconsciously desire change. Not everyone, but a lot. They are tired of their life and they want to change over. Fresh. A new beginning.

Not that their lives are particularly hard, but just because they are fed up with it.

This is especially true online. Take a look at your friends and how they react and what they say. Then take a look at them online. On WhatsApp or Facebook. Totally different. They are a lot more frank. A lot more willing to speak their minds. But in person; quiet and reserved.

Because online they can be whomever they wan’t to be. No people to influence them. No one expecting them to act in a certain way.

This sounds good. But it’s awful. How they are online is not how they are, but how they want to be. How they are in person are who they are, but not how they want to be.

They are trapped in their emotions. Trapped in themselves.

To a certain extant this angers me, because they are unwilling to talk about it. “Nobody understands…”. That pathetic cliche.

But then I realise that they don’t even understand themselves. They don’t realise that they yearn to be someone else.

Like my friend. My best friend. Awesome as he is with all his great ideas and unique theories.

But still

they are trapped

in that

infinite

abyss…

Drifting Away from a Life Long Friend

I found this on one of my dormant social media accounts

Posted on May 3, 2014

Captain America, Iron Man, Green Lantern, Man of Steel, Thor. What do they have in common? They were all watched by me and my friend, together.

Since we were 12 we were the best of friends. We played PlayStation 2, we frequently visited each other and we were inseparable as best friends. He was, in primary school, always a slightly underachiever academically while I was one of the “smart” boys.

How we became friends I never truly discovered, but we did and it was great. I remember us playing school games and doing school work together (which helped him).

It’s difficult to express the kind of friendship we had. We were loyal and we never fought each other. We always remained close, even when we absorbed a new guy, The Best Friend into our friendship fold in our last year of primary school (13 years old).

We were a great group and our new friend made our group even more extraordinary. I was the obedient, smart, academic guy. My Friend the underachieving, yet very loyal, short-tempered one and our new friend the hyper active ADD joker who was hated by the other guys, but adored by the girls (something I will discuss in a later post).

The years passed and few things changed in High School at first. We were more mature (slightly) and the bond between us were as high as always, perhaps even better.

I remember how my best birthday ever was not with a lot of people, but with my Friend playing Portal 2. It was awesome. It’s just the game but we enjoyed the hell out of it. The mind bending two-player puzzle had us scratching our heads.

Two years later things were still good. Looking back I realised it was because we were both single, without girls taking up our time like it did our other friend.

What really showed his loyalty was during the time I had a halo-frame on (Google it) he still frequently visited. I could barely speak, yet we talked. That he did while The Best Friend didn’t come even once. The fact that he visited numerous times really showed his character.

Aside from his parents divorcing about that time I believe the turning point was, I think, last year.

On a vacation with me and my family to Margate (a well known coastal resort) we spent the week together excellently, except for the last day. His grandfather died and I got the message that they wanted ME to tell him.

That might not be the turning point in our friendship, but it could be.

A few months later we still going strong but this year, for some reason, we began drifting away.

I remember early January/February me, him, The Best Friend and another addition to the fold, Waldo and some others sitting at a table at school. He wanted to go fetch something and me and Waldo wanted to go with him. But to my surprise he was irritatingly telling me to stay, while he and Waldo went. I was shocked and I would’ve forgot it had it not happened again and again.

Later on when our group merged with other people, we barely even talked. I always thought we were close together yet I had to hear from The Best Friend that he already slept with a girl who I, ironically, had a crush on for 3 years in primary school and that he already told The Best Friend about the girl he is in love with at the moment. Why tell him? And not me?

I would forgive him not telling me, for I thought perhaps he was ashamed to tell me because I’ve tried to live a Christian life and maybe he thought I would be disappointed or something.

The sad part is that when I realised how far away we’ve gone, I decided not to stop it. I didn’t purposely ignore him, but I didn’t seek for occasion to talk to him. We’ve grown separate and our lifestyle’s and personalities are different. So long, dear friend.

Since it started happening I’ve watched two Marvel movies without him…

I don’t know what the point of this long post is. I guess I just wanted to convey my feelings to the world and hear of people who had similar experiences.

You’re not alone.