Eks Jammer

Eks so geïrriteerd op die oomblik. Ek moet hierdie lesing doen. Dis maar net 20 bladsye. En ek het later vandag weer klas. Maar ek dink hierdie gevoel is nie die stupid lesing nie. Dis daai stupid graduation. Sien hierdie post dan weet jy wat ek van praat.

Daai dag van graduation was ek in so, so ‘n slegte bui. Die dag voor die tyd al. Ek wou nie gaan nie uit bitterheid. Ek wil dit nie admit nie, maar ek dink ook uit spite uit. Hoe stupid van my.

En daai dag, toe ek hoor hoe jy daar is, hoe jy wou hê ek moet daar wees, hoe hy daar is, hel dit het my depressed gemaak vir dae. Hoekom was ek so stupid? Ek gaan nie dat dom onnodige en onverdiende bitterheid ooit weer simpel, mooi logika oorweldig nie.

Ek dink die probleem was nie (stupid) idee dat ek julle nie gaan sien nie, of dat dit net vir ‘n minuut of twee sal wees. Hoekom gaan as ek julle nie gaan sien nie? Of hoekom gaan met die hoop dat ek julle gaan sien, as dit dalk nie so gaan wees nie? My bitterheid het daai punt gemaak: “Hoeveelkeer, J-, het jy gehoop om iets saam met hulle te doen (sonder om hulle te sê) dan stel hulle jou teleur, al was dit eintlik jou skuld? Dis beter om dit te los. Hierdie mense, jou vriende, wat nie eers weet wat vriendskap is nie.”

So om te hoor hoe julle daar is, en hoe julle my mis, en selfs sy wat gewonder het waar ek was. Dit het my laat besef dat dit nie julle is nie wat nie weet wat vriendskap is nie, maar ek. Eks die een wat uit bitterheid dit wou boikot. Eks die een wat my vriende verlaat het, seker die laaste keer wat ek julle saam sou gesien het.

Almal van julle vrae my waar ek was. En ek vertel net ‘n halwe waarheid, wat alles wat ek bo gesê het uitlos. Eks jammer.

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Ek kom nie Graduation to nie

So laas jaar het ek my graad klaar gemaak. Hierdie jaar doen ek my honeurs. En nou is die graduation om die draai, en ek gaan nie gaan nie.

Eks nie doodseker hoekom nie, maar ek dink ek weet. Ek is bitter. Ek is bitter met julle. Ek onthou in tweede jaar waar jy neergesien het op my amper naiewe idee om klas toe te kom om julle, my vriende te sien. Jyt nie saamgestem met wat ek gesoek het nie: vriendskap. En ek meen regte regte vriendskap. Nie stupid “klasmatjies” tipe kak nie.

En jy. Nie jy nie, jy. Hoeveelkeer sou ons iets reel en dat gebeur dit nie. Dit het my letterlik mal gemaak. Ek het geen rede gehad om daar naby kampus te bly nie. My een klas was Maandag oggend, die ander een Donderdag. Om Tussen deur daai tyd net in die flat te sit, terwyl ek by my huis, my diere, my familie en regte vriende kan wees… het my mal gemaak. Ek sou steeds vir myself se “Okay, kom ek gaan bly maar die week naby kampus, want ons gaan dit en dat doen”. Maar dan doen ons nie. Of soms het ek ‘n valse sin van lojaliteit gehad: ‘n onderliggende understanding sin. Ek weet jy sal wil hê ek en jy moet daai fliek kyk. So dan as iemand anders my nooi om dit te kyk sal ek sê “Nee, ek gaan dit die week saam met iemand anders kyk” – saam met jou… net om daai week te hoor dat jy dit al gekyk het.

Later was ek gatvol. Ek het gesê te hel met dit en my rug op daai plek gedraai, en besluit om huis te kom en net in te ry.

So eks bitter. Ek wil nie graduation toe kom nie, want die een rede hoekom wil kom – om julle te sien – weet ek gaan net nie gebeur nie. Of tenminste ons gaan mekaar sien vir een oomblik, dan gaan jy saam jou ander vriendinne sit. En ook jy. Dit kan gebeur dat jy gaan gaan, en dat jy dalk gaan verwag dat ek daar gaan wees, en dat jy dalk verwag dat ons twee saam deur die ding kan gaan. Maar de hel met dit. Een van die dinge wat ek hierdie drie jaar geleer het is ek moenie planne maak op wat iemand dalk, miskien gaan doen nie.

Nee. Ek sal Donderdag eerder na my vriend hierso toe gaan, ‘n lekker koppie koffie saam hom drink, en sit en kyk hoe hy Runescape speel.

Dankie, maar nee dankie.

Julle bly my vriende, en glo my ek wil wou regtig close met julle wees. Totsiens.

 

I’m A Little Sadistic and Vengeful

As I’ve said numerous times in these posts, last year I was unconsciously excluded by you and everyone else. It always irritated me how you had all those thousands of “friends”, but came to me when you really needed someone.

And now you are sitting in some distant city giving French lectures at a school. There you are staying in some apartment and home. I realised a week ago that this explains your recent Facebook posts, your statuses and the somewhat odd messages you sent me. I realised that now you are alone. Not alone in the sense of having no one, but alone in the sense that you realise that all your friends are no longer close anymore. All the people you love are distant. You are experiencing that shock, that isolation.

And a small evil part of me is glad that you are feeling the way I felt.

Forgive me.

 

Al weer bitter? Ag come on!

My laaste toets is om die draai en tog is ek disturbingly chilled daaroor. Al gaan dit my toekoms dalk bepaa.

Hierdie naweek was my ma wag saam met my ouma hulle na een of ander iemand toe op een of ander plek. Ek kan nie minder omgee oor plekke en dinge wat mense doen nie. Ek gee net niks om nie. Maar anyway…

So ek was alleen by die huis saam my geliefde kat en hond. Net ek. Vir twee volle dae. En net in daai twee dae het ek weer al daai pynvolle, bitter gevoelens gehad van eerste jaar en veral die begin van hierdie jaar – beide tye wat ek op my eie gebly het. Bitter teen oor vriende wat nie ‘n hel om gee nie. Nog voor die naweek het ek weer so begin voel. Ek het sommer al my facebook posts gestel op “only me”, want, wats die verskil of dit public is of private as niemand anyway op dit reageer nie? Wat is die punt? Sê my.

Ek het Vrydag nog vir die een vriend gese wat oorslaap by ‘n ander vriend dat as hulle erens heen gaan moet hulle my saamvat. Hulle weet ek is alleen, maar de hel met my, ne? Vrydag aand wou ek ‘n bietjie online speel saam met een van die twee. Ek wou net bietjie met iemand gesels terwyl ek iets doen. Maar nee hy wil nou afgaan. Net ‘n dag of so voor die tyd het ek afgegaan na hy te lank gevat het, maar het ek weer opgekom, verby my self-imposed slaap tyd opgebly, ter wille van hom. Want ek wil van hom hoor. Maar nee hy gaan nou af. Nie dat hulle vroeg gaan slaap nie, o nee. Hulle het seker eers 3 uur die oggend gaan slaap.

Hulle twee het toe uitgegaan, maar dit was na ‘n verjaarsdag partytjie van iemand wat ek van laerskool af al nie like nie. Eks bly. As dit iemand was wie ek ge like het, sou ek vrek seer gevoel het – nes in eerste jaar – as hulle my nie genooi het nie. Maar gelukkig was dit nie so nie.

En vandag weer wil ek hoor by die ander vriend wat hy en die ander vriend als maak. En ek let weer op hoe flippen kort af hy alewig is op whatsapp. Hys nooit so in persoon nie. En elke keer wat ek bitter is teenoor hom, en hom later sien, is ek spyt dat ek ooit so bitter teen oor hom was. Maar dit verpes my hoe hy geen belangstelling het in die boodskappe wat ek vir hom stuur of vir die af en toe se youtube link of so nie. Maar die oomblik wat hy een of ander interessante topic aan die hand het wat ons gewoonlik discuss sal hy vir my dit stuur en ons discuss dit.

Hulle twee bly darem  vriende. Ek gee hulle dit. Hulle is actually pelle. Ek weet dat al het ek die whatsapp een weke laas gesien bly ek en hy beste pelle, alongside die ander een. Hulle is nie soos daai individualiste daar anderkant wat geen persepsie van actual vriendskap het nie.

Ek dink ek het so pas my bitterheid uitgetik. Sal maar sien. Dalk voel ek in vyf minute weer so.

You are not Friends

I don’t mean that you are not my friends. What I mean is that you don’t know what it’s like to be friends. 

I’m talking every single one of you bastards who are so insanely individualistic and yet so superficially in support of “friendship”. You assholes who think you know what friendship entails, but really don’t.

I can sum up a friend in one simple sentence: someone who will often stick you for a cup of coffee. Someone who would like to see you often.

That is the essence of a friend.

How do I express my anger without sounding petty, which I probably am? For the first few months I was staying at that forsaken place, alone, without doing ANYTHING. You KNEW that. Yet you just didn’t give a shit, did you? It’s not like anyone of you thought: “Hey! We’re off to watch this rugby game! Why don’t we invite him? I mean he’s a cool friend who I would want to see”. Nah I simply didn’t even enter your thoughts.

That’s why I moved back to where my real friends are. Screw you all.

And sometimes you say you miss me. Do you really? Aren’t you just lying to yourself? You and your 100+ friends? You probably “miss” all of them too. A few weeks ago I read a picture with text on a rather cliche Spanish Facebook page. It said: “Dices ‘te extraño’, pero no vienes a verme’. That is, “You say you miss me, but you don’t come to see me”. When I was still staying at that place I suggested that we and whoever else should go to the art museum, or the zoo, or anywhere you want. After all, we are students! We are free! But you just never took the time. You and the other one are the only people I ever saw over there. Now I moved back and whenever you mention that we should still do this, I can’t help but shake my head.

Or you, who are SO obsessed with that damn videogame. You came over and I wanted to share with you a game I recently purchased (I rarely purchase games nowadays) and you simply didn’t care. And you should know by now that I rarely play anything. You were just so obsessed with that damn… demo (he didn’t have the game, just a demo of it). And a few weeks later when I told you I’m busy you asked me if it was because I was playing that game you played. Like what the fuck, man? Are you so daft and self-focused? And you just couldn’t understand how I could not be playing that game of yours. And today when you send me that Steam invite to play DOTA with you. Seriously? I told you I don’t have it, that I don’t want to play it, that I prefer League of Legends, that it is too expensive, yet you send the invite? I don’t expect you to remember everything I told you, but come on.

And you, you have the best heart of anybody I know, yet even you have that student individualist mentality. I told you months ago that I moved out and that I’m driving in each day for class. Why the hell then do you think I can watch a movie at night? Or that we can go to “my place”. I hate that place. Or we would agree that we would see each other at that time, but when I messaged you to ask where you are, you said you are on your way home? What the fuck? Or you would keep asking me: “Are we going to go watch that movie next week?”. And I would say yes. Then my other friends would ask me to go watch that same movie with them but because of my promise to you I  would decline them… only to hear that the weekend you watched that movie on you own anyway!

This also reminds me of you, The Girl, who was such a pain a few years back. We were friends, yet after class you would simply vanish without looking back. Unless I took the trouble to catch up with you we would never speak. So I got confused. Perhaps you just don’t want to – we all have our tastes. You once said that it is just “university life” NOT to greet your friends. Yet the next time in class, just to see what you’d do, I would take you on your advice by simply walking out without greeting or looking back, but then after a few minutes you would message me asking me where I am? So you do expect me to wait? I used to think that this was simply you. But now I realise it is all of you.

Or perhaps I’m the one that’s mad.

Nah. I’m staying with my two cool friends over here. Yes they have their issues. Yes I’ve complained about them numerous times on this blog as well. But at least they know what it is like to be a friend. None of you do.

I’m an Ignorer King

I feel bad writing this rant immediately after my post on Christ.

You know what pisses me off? Two three four things: people being severely impatient, people who just assume things, people who don’t know when they ask too much, and not having emotional space. At this very moment of writing my friend is sending me “hi” on Steam – constantly. It would be an understatement to say he has written it 30 times already, and now as I type this I see the Steam popups of these messages coming through.

What the hell do you expect? If I’m not going to answer after your third post, why do you think I’ll answer after the 30th post?

A week ago another friend did the same thing on Whatsapp: probably sending a message 15 times. Come on. The day before yesterday the Steam friend did it while I was on the way to university, listening to my music through Bluetooth constantly being interrupted by these whatsapp messages. Why? Just why? If I’m not answering, I am either away from the phone or ignoring you. If I’m away, what does it help to send multiple messages? If I’m ignoring you, why would I answer you after a specified number of messages? Dude, just stop. All you’re doing is irritating me, and yet you expect me to remain cool when I answer you?alpes.JPG

The second thing that ties in with this is the lack of emotional space. Some people simply don’t give you any room to have a different mood. If you get upset, they get upset because you’re upset. If you have a bad day, they will take it personally and then use it against you until you apologise. But if they are in a bad mood you just have to let it be. This is of tremendous importance: you must be allowed to show your mood. I’m not talking about taking it out on somebody – that is always unexcusable. I’m talking about those times you are tired and you don’t want to speak, and then because you seem a bit irrtated, without you being mean, people hold it against you. This is really selfish: they just HAVE to make it about themselves. You just HAVE to be in a good mood; shame on you if you’re not. Think about this for a second – this puts you in a kind of emotional prison, or at least into some kind of emotional fakeness, which is unhealthy. Take the above case of the messages: if I am simply rude and say “stop doing this” they’ll take it personally as though I have no right to protest against what they’re doing. So I just don’t do it and I just suffer the pain.

A while back on my birthday I had a similar experience: I have this one friend whom I’ve mentioned on this blog who likes to manipulate people to some extent. He would say things like “If you have time”, “If you really want to”, “So that’s how it is”, “Sorry I bothered you”. Those people who want you to be sorry for them, who like trying to guilt trip you. A few days before my birthday he asked if he could visit that Friday. I had to study for my semester test on Monday, so I asked if we could catch up on Monday evening. He couldn’t, so he replied with “Sorry I bothered you”. He did that twice in the discussion. Then I lost it and told him that I will not suffer my third year semester test and that I tried to see him the week before – in short I clearly (with no ill words) told him what I thought. He didn’t reply.  It just can’t be that THEY are the one with the problem, you know. On my birthday he asked “Can I come tomorrow?”. I said, “I wish we could, but I have to work the whole day tomorrow at a shop”. Then that damn reply of him: “Oh, when do you have time for me?“. On my damn birthday he wanted to guilt trip me. So I ignored him for the rest of the day. So he wondered why I’m “different” these days. It just can’t be that HE made a mistake, you know, it HAS to be me.

The third problem is people who just assume things. Sometimes in a discussion I come across as cold and calculating. I have a tendency to always question what people say, not because I disbelieve them, but simply because I want to know their reasoning. In short, I like to play Devil’s Advocate. But people really take this the wrong way, though I am partly responsible. One person would talk about this and that, and I would ask “why?”. So he just assumes that I think therefore that “this and that” is wrong. I did not say that! I want the reasoning. Lately it is really hard for me to discuss things with people because they simply don’t argue correctly. If I try to make a point, they would go off on some irrelevant tangent. If I provide a counter example, they would take my argument to the extreme. In a discussion with my dad on “tolerance” I said that it is intolerant to force tolerance on people, which means the idea undermines itself. So he assumed I’m arguing for some anarchist system where no speech is limited. I did not say that!

Or, not in arguments, but in other cases, someone would ask me if I’m in the mood for pizza. I would say “No”. Then they would conclude that therefore I don’t like pizza! I did not say that! Or what really bugs me about the one side of my family, is that they would conclude a habit based on a single event. Now, as we learnt in maths, you can only predict a series of numbers if you have at least three numbers. You cannot take “3” and immediately conclude that the next number is “9”. You cannot do that even if you have two numbers (1, 4). You can only do that if you have three numbers (1, 4, 9). The point of this is that they would see me make a cup of tea at one o’clock, and therefore conclude that I always make tee at one o’clock. No! You can’t just assume that. Or in another vein, I would usually socialise during the day and then relax in front of the pc at night. So when I talk to my friends online at night, they always find me either in front of the pc or working on an assignment. So they just assume that therefore I’m in front of the pc the whole day and that thus I need to “get out more”. Man this irritates me.

The last thing that bothers me has bothered me for as long as I could remember: when you help somebody and that person is mean while you are helping them. I recall when still in primary school my older sister would ask me to help move something in her closet. I would do so, and then she’ll start being mean to me if I make a mistake. So eventually when she acted that way I just left her to herself. Recently this manifested in me doing my friend a favour. During the week he wanted to go to a shop nearby to look at laptops. He doesn’t have a car so he rides to work on his bicycle. So I drove ALL THE WAY to his work, and there I struggled to find where exactly he works. So after riding around the block and accidentally going into a residential area I came close to his work and stopped on the opposite side of the road in a bit of a clearing. But on whatsapp he kept insisting that I come inside. I didn’t want to. Then he came out with his bicycle and kept telling me to cross over to the opposite side. WHY? It is clear, he can come to ME. Why should I struggle with my car to go there? It is a lot safer for him to cross with his bicycle than for me to cross with my car. There is more than enough safe space where I am to load the bicycle (there was a bit of a gravel area next to the road where I stood). After some argument I went to the other side. Then he kept insisting that now I have to drive up a bit onto the sideway to get out of the way of the cars. WHY? Just load the damn thing, there is enough space. In fact, there was DAMN MORE THAN ENOUGH SPACE WHERE I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE!!! Bullshit like this drives me through the roof. It took everything in me to remain calm enough. I am helping YOU. YOU have no right to insist on ANYTHING. I’m not unreasonable, you can ask and usually I’ll do what you ask, but the moment you DEMAND that I help you in YOUR way I just want to leave you to yourself. The arrogance of it all!

I Turned My Back on You All

You know, last year was great. Last year I knew that year was great. This year is good, but not so much, you know?

But anyway. For a few months at the beginning of this year I stayed by myself at this residence a decent walk away from campus. I shared the kitchen with someone else, but all in all we kept to ourselves. I had a car, but I had to park it far away. This is crucial because it means I am stuck at night.

Do you know how many times I would go to stay there with the idea of “Maybe you and I will do this Monday, maybe this other friend and I will go watch a movie on Tuesday”. And it almost never happens, does it? Even when we plan it, it never happens.

Where the hell is the spontaneous inclusion of me in your life? And I’m talking about more than one person here. It’s not a case, it seems, for you, when you plan on going to some museum or rugby match to think “Hey, how about I invite him (me)? “He is after all a friend.” No. Screw me. I would sit and see facebook posts of this one game you went to watch, hear about how you all went to this club, about this exhibition you went to, etc. To hell with me.

You know what I miss, so, so much about school? All the guys were actually friends. With this I mean it was a case of “Obviously we invite everyone”. Of “when you and I happen to walk attend the same classes, then obviously we wait for each other”. Of “Whenever one of us in the group leaves to go home, then obviously we say goodbye”. Not this bullshit of leaving people out (not even taking a second to think about them), and of just running away as if friendship is some myth.

But it seems university life, and the particular type of people who happen to be students are incredibly individualistic. And forgetful. They rarely if ever take other people into account. They lack that true inclusive spontaneity.

Well screw you.

I’m staying here with my true friends.

The Extroverted Introvert

There is something called “personality tests”. I don’t care about them anymore (they are highly overrated), but I recall being placed as an INFJ (though a few months later as an INFP).

This “type” has one bit of truth which I find very fitting to myself: being an extroverted introvert. People tire me. They really do. Few people manage to give me energy, but for the most part every single one of them has some irritating quirks which sucks the life out of me like a leech.

So for the last few weeks I’ve been like a hermit: I go to class on Monday and Thursday… and then I head back home to my dog and cat, working on assignments, watching video series and reading a few things. I don’t “love reading”, by the way. “Reading” is not something you either love or hate. I like learning and I like good stories. If books are the best way to do these (as opposed to, say, documentaries or DVDs) then so be it.

Books are overrated.

Nerds are overrated.

Introverts are underrated.

But every so often I would yearn to go out. I absolutely love being out at night at some place with my friends. I love it. Yet these friends which are “extroverts” (so they say), are actually dead. They don’t want to do anything during the weak. They don’t go through trouble to do so. They just sit around at night playing RuneScape or watching TV.

Yet at school they considered me “boring” as they slept late on holidays (and on vacations) and never did anything other than play video games. The only reason they considered me so was that I didn’t (and don’t) like going out to be with a bunch of strangers.

But anyway, it is not my intention to blast friends I haven’t seen in weeks for things they said years ago. I got distracted:

I just saw a picture of the Precious Friend (see this post which has the same idea as this one), out at some campus residence event. Man that looks awesome! At night, with people you know! That’s just it, isn’t it? The best thing I can imagine is such a night event, neither too cold nor too hot, with stalls and music and events… but full of people I know. How I wish I could be there now!

But I know tomorrow they are gonna tire me again. My friends, especially those at campus, absolutely fail to just realise my situation. They never seem to consider it: I am staying at home (not at the flat anymore, although I still have access to it), driving to campus, and then after class driving back home.

Yet then WHY when you know this do you want to grab a cup of coffee after class at the flatWHY do you think, after we negotiated at half past ten to meet at half past one, that I would wait for you (because you forgot) until 1 o’ clock before going to where ever? WHY don’t you consider what I said about not wanting to drive in the dark, always taking your time, always wanting to go watch a movie at 3 o’ clock? WHY when you know I’m going to see someone else that day as well, do you just assume that I’m only going to see you?

It reminds me of that one time at school, where on the Thursday I and a friend negotiated to visit each other the next day, and then the next day, without even him realising it, that friend visited another friend. Not because he was mad. But simply because he forgot.

Or that other time, also in school, where at the start of the year we negotiated to sit at the front of the IT class (although I like the back). Then, as you were late, I sat at the front… only to see you come in later, walk past me, and sit at the back!

Or two weeks ago where you said we should absolutely go watch that film next week, only to find you watched it with your young nephew the weekend.

If all of the above cases were done out of some ill intent, I would paradoxically have been fine with it. But it’s precisely this lack of awareness by people that dries my energy up like bread exposed to a fire.

And you know, all of this caused me to lose a lot of loyalty for people. I mean the reason I’m at home and not at the flat is because if I stay there I will have a class until 12:30 on Monday… and then stay at the flat and rot until Thursday 9:30. In contrast at home I am, well at home. I have my pets, more privacy, my grandparents, my safety, etc.

For the first few weeks I stayed at the flat with the hope of seeing these two specific friends, yet I rarely did. Always cancelling our agreements or just simply forgetting.
Once again, they don’t do this out of ill intent for me. They simply do this because they don’t realise what I am sacrificing to see them.

 

Gedig vir my Vriende

Ek het hierdie geskryf op 28 Maart 2015, die jaar na ek klaar gemaak het met skool. 

 

Hoe vinnig verby is al daai dae
Van koffie, Playstation en Afrikaans.

Ek mis die eksamens – ek mis die koffie
Ek mis die “IT” – ek mis die “geleer”.

Geen meer WipeOut, LBP of Runescape
Nous dit net Tuks,
Baie werk en Inscape.

Geen meer Portal, Uncharted of Ezio
Nous dit net toetse,
My vriend – ek mis jou!

Wat het geword van ons na-toetse kuier?
Ons af-en-toe se skaak,
Ons poker en gaming?

Waar is ons Nesquik?
Die “Blou Tas”,
En die meisies?

Ai, my vriende…

Totsiens

 


 

“Koffie”: Vriend 1 het gereeld oorgekom vir koffie. Die Afrikaanse klas was ‘n pyn en tog altyd so lekker (Hy sou net iets sê van Oscar Pistorius se hofsaak, dan sou die hele klas en die onderwyseres oor dit gesels en sodoende sou ons nie werk nie).

“Ek mis die IT”: Vriend 4 sou gereeld voor ‘n eksamen toets oorkom om te leer… dan eindig ons op besig om Civilization 5 te speel.

“Geen meer wipeout”: Ek en Vriend 1 het hierdie drie games sat gespeel. Nou sit ek by Tuks en in daai jaar het hy by Inscape studeer.

“Geen meer Portal”: Ek en Vriend 2 het hierdie drie games weer sat gespeel.

“Ons af-en-toe se skaak”: Vriend 1 het gereeld oorgekom vir skaak en ligte poker.

“Waar is ons Nesquik?”: Vriend 3 het baie gehou van sy Nesquik. Net hy het geweet van die “blou tas”, wat ‘n codename was vir ‘n meisie wat ek my oë op gehad het (syt ‘n blou tas gedra).

 

 

 

You’re Laziness Makes You an Atheist

I’ve just woke up and I’m still tired, but I’m still thinking of this dream I had about this marvelous girl. Wow, was she amazing! But that’s for another time.

At 3 AM the Best Friend, whose Whatsapp notification is darn loud, messaged me twice. I’ve just read the message. He referred to a video on religion and said that videos like these makes him himself defeated in his Christian faith.

A part of me don’t care anymore, to be honest. I’ve spent the last few months absorbed in Christian apologetics. From Craig, to Copan, to Qureshi, and Zacharias, I just can’t get enough.

I’ve been a born again Christian for a few years now and I used to believe in a young earth and King James Onlyism and all that. As I’ve said in this post, last year a friend of mine became an atheist through a combination of evolution, Nietzsche and the new atheists like Hitchens. My lack of comprehensive answers drove me to search for good responses. And boy did I get good responses from the people I’ve just mentioned! But by then it was too late. I’ve failed my friend because I was stupid and pathetic for believing in a young earth and all that jazz. I’ll explain this journey away from YEC and Kent Hovind in another post.

I’ve noticed during the last few years, that more often than not, when I send this Best Friend a link to an amazing video by one of these apologists, this friend of mine would either not have time, not have bandwidth or not have any desire to watch them. In short, because he’s lazy. I remember a few times where I mentioned a particularly insightful Bible verse at his home one day – one which can change his outlook on life, but he was kinda embarrassed to talk about it close to his brother.

To state it clearly: he calls himself a Christian but he is too damn lazy to act like one. He wants to be a Christian, but he is in no mood to change his behaviour. He wants to debate God with atheists on YouTube from time to time, but he is too damn lazy to look up Christian videos on these topics, especially the ones I sent him.

I remember talking to my grandfather about this. I predicted that while at the moment he is  very unconcerned about apologetics, that there will come a time where he will watch a video or read something which will disturb him to the core and make him doubt and leave his faith. And why? Because he was too lazy to care about it in the first place.