Idees Vol Vrees

‘n Mooi view, ne? Obsoluut lieflik! Die see is so duidelik.

Ja dis sarkasme.

Hierdie ou het sy lelike garage voor my ouma-hulle se huis opgebou en hulle uitsig uitgeblok. Daar is koue mense in hierdie wêreld. “Kom ek bou ‘n huis hier reg voor hierdie twee bejaardes wat lei aan kanker! Definitief nie verkeerd nie!”

Maar hierdie post is nie net ‘n gemoun nie. Nee. Ek sit nou hier op die stoep op my eie. Alhoewel dit ‘n warm dag is, is die wind yskoud hier in die skaduwee, koud genoeg om ‘n baadjie aan te sit.

Elke dag sover wat ek hier sit, kyk ek in hierdie tydskrif vas.

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Die model voorop is absoluut beeldskoon. Die kwaliteit van my selfoon se kamera doen nie justice aan die  kleur van haar gesig nie. Elke keer wat ek die voorblad sien kan ek nie ophou om daarna te kyk nie. Ek dink wat my so aantrek is dat sy mooi is en nie sexy nie. Daai mooi gesig van haar het nog al die eer en selfvertroue van ‘n opregte vrou. En haar oë straal een of ander dieper persoonlike skoonheid uit. Ek meen meeste fotos van ‘n meisie is bedoel om sexy te wees; dit wil sê, om haar lyf off te show asof sy ‘n man wil lok om met haar te slaap. Hulle oë het nie daai interne lieflikheid soos sy nie. Bittermin fotos deesdae van modelle is ‘n mooi of in Engels beautiful vrou. Beautiful is nie sexy nie (moet nooit hierdie twee verwar nie). Sommige mooi meisies kan sexy wees as hulle wil, maar wat hulle laat uitstaan is dat hulle weet hulle kan sexy wees, maar kies om nie te wees nie. Hierdie meisie op hierdie voorblad (hoe oud is sy? 20? 25? 30?) irriteer my gedagtes heeltyd. Ek het al meisies gesien wat selfs nog mooier is, (het ek?) maar tog is daar ietsie aan haar wat my oë vasvang elke liewe keer. Ek meen ek weet sy is heelmoontlik maar net ‘n produk van make-up, photoshop en regte beligting, maar ek kan nie help as om oor haar te wonder nie.

Wat dit erger maak is dat sy so ‘n mystery is. Hulle gee haar naam by die inhoudsopgawe, maar ek kry haar nêrens op Google of Facebook nie. Haar van is heelmoontlik ook in die tydskrif verkeerd gespel. Goed so. Ek weet nie wat ek sou doen as ek haar ooit op so ‘n manier sou vind nie. Nee. Laat sy maar ‘n mystery bly. Eendag – of nooit – sal ek in haar vasloop, en ek sal onthou (of miskien vergeet maar ‘n weird déjà vu gevoel hê) dat ek haar al gesien het.

As jy hierdie lees, wil ek net sê jy is beeldskoon.

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Nog ‘n Droom

Ek sit hierso, besig om Supernatural te kyk. Kan jy glo eks al amper klaar met Season 12?! Dis ‘n baie goeie show. Deesdae al wat ek doen is om dit te kyk. Dit en lees. Dit en lees en dink. Dink, dink dink. Dink aan sekere issues, dink aan haar, my vriende en, ek weet nie hoekom nie, aan jou. Ek het jou, wat, in Mei laas gesien? En tog mis ek jou deesdae. Dis weird. Of nie.

Ek het van jou gedroom weer. Hel was dit ‘n lang droom wat ek nie wil onthou nie. Op een deel was jy daar. Ek het gebly in so ‘n gebou in Pretoria, en ek het jou daar gesien. Jy sou ook daarso bly. Ek was opgewonde toe ek dit hoor. Maar jyt gesê dat jy eerder gaan inry of iets omdat jou flatmate jou irriteer. Aai.

Maar jyt gesê jy wil my sien, en dit het my hoop gegee.

Wat hierdie droom weird maak is dat ek gister of eergister gewonder het wanneer ek weer van haar gaan droom. En nou droom ek van jou?

Wat beteken dit?

Ha! In daai jaar wat ek jou gesien het, het ek heeltyd mening probeer soek in alles wat jy doen, en alles wat gebeur. Hierdie jaar op daai dag wat ek jou gesien het, het so baie dinge gebeur wat nie net toeval kan wees nie. En tog het alles tot niks toe gekom nie. Daar was nie mening daarin nie, al het dit so gelyk.

Hierdie droom was nice, maar meningloos.

Ek sal regtig daarvan hou om jou weer te sien. Hel, ek sal daarvan hou!

My Most Played Songs

Over the years I’ve collected a fair number of songs. For this post I decided to analyze them here one by one. What happened to me at the time I played it a lot and what it means to me. This is just the “most played” on my computer. Most of my songs I listen on the phone so I guess this list ain’t entirely accurate, but so what.

11. Dear Younger Me – MercyMe

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running through  my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me

If there is one song reminding me of First Year it is this one. It was, in short, a rather shitty year. In the middle of the year this album with this song came out. At that time I often went for long solitary walks, reflecting on my issues and feeling extremely lonely. Now this song reminds me of that time. I guess that explains why I don’t listen to it so much anymore. And yet I think this song can help me grow every time I listen to it.

 

10. Sunrise – Joe Niemand

Would You let me in like You did before?
I always end up right back at Your door
You take me in in, fix me up without a word
Softly singing me songs that I’ve never heard

Now when I’m falling apart
Like I always do
Like I always do

You clean my bleeding wounds
Like You always do
Like You always do

I am rather amazed that this is one of my most played songs. It is one of those songs you don’t even realize is one of your favourites. This album by Joe Niemand, and especially this song, opened me up to the absolute reality of God. Lately I’ve been reflecting on people – you, dear reader, are probably one of them – who talk about “religion” and “faith”. Who might say they want to be “spiritually fulfilled”. Those who go to church and leave “religious” lives. And yet… and yet… they’re missing the point. God is not just some force in some ether for you to harness. He is not just a means to end: just saying a few prayers and going to church so you know you’ll go to heaven or so you can have a nice car or whatever. NO! He is a very real person reaching out to you. He is the object of my desire, not just some means to some end.

You can listen to a preview of it here: https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/this-is-war/279252552

9. That’s Just the Way it Is – Phil Collins

You see the dying, you feel the pain 
What have you got to say ?
If we agree that we can disagree 
We could stop all of this today

 

This song ties in with number 1 on the list, so I’ll leave it to that.

 

8. Hold My Heart – Tenth Avenue North

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Wow. For this song I need a minute. This is a song to listen when you are at your lowest, when you can’t go any further, when you are breaking down and you just want it to stop. If you feel like that right now, listen to this.

 

7. Oh Lord – NF

Yeah everybody wants change
Don’t nobody wanna change though
Don’t nobody wanna pray
Till they got something to pray for

Now everybody’s gon’ die
But don’t everybody live though
Sometimes I look up to the sky
And wonder do you see us down here?

 

This song is different from all the rest. It is a rap song. It is about people who have no idea what they are doing. Those “religious” people. Give this a listen, you won’t be disappointed.

 

6. You Are I Am – MercyMe

I’ve been the one
To shake with fear
And wonder if
You’re even here
I’ve been the one
To doubt Your love
I’ve told myself
You’re not enough

This is from the same album as Number 11. If Dear Younger Me reminds me of that shitty year, this one reminds me of the moment in that year when everything came right. I remember the Tuesday afterwards, just before a test, sitting on the grass beneath the trees and listening to this and another song on this album. At that moment I realised everything is finally alright. This song is beautiful. Give it a listen.

 

5. Beyond Me – TobyMac

Call it a reason to retreat 
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life 
Is it so crazy to believe
That you gave me the stars, put them out of my reach
Call me to waters, a little to deep
Oh I’ve never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It’s way beyond me

If there is a song that sums up my university years, it is this one. Now I’m still waiting for my marks and I’ll rather not make a prediction. All I know is that more than once, both in my tests and in my life, I’ve noticed things that I should not be able to do, but which I managed to do with God’s help. This song has a nice beat to boot.

 

4. Stay – Kevin Max

And I want everything to stay (I wanted to stay)
The same as yesterday
I want everything to stay the same (I want it to stay)

Love is a deadly potion
Stabs the heart and bleeds emotion
And now nothing is the same again

 

Looking back I’m not sure why I listened to this album non-stop for weeks. I mean Max is good, but not that good. That being said, at this stage of my life I was living with my best friend. We were playing games while I listened to this album. At the time I was – for the first time in years – not in love or seriously interested in anyone. Just being able to think about love without thinking about someone was a nice change of pace. This is a nice love song.

 

3. Frankenstein – Joe Niemand

Why do You break
Why break these broken bones?

Put the needle right into gaping wounds
I want the hurt to leave
Just leave me alone
But You pierce deeper still

Cut the poison out
Cut to where I feel again
It hurts when You heal

 

The last few years I’ve discovered a side of Christian music and Christ itself which was not something I expected. This song, Hold My Heart and so many more focuses me on the love of God. Read that carefully. Not the kindness of God, but the love of God. C. S. Lewis once used the analogy of a dentist. You would go to him because of a toothache, but sooner or later he starts burrowing through either teeth, injecting you here and there. It is painful. Of suppose you want to redecorate your house, so a guy comes and he adds a few pictures. All good and well. But then he starts moving around furniture, knocking down the walls and rerouting the electricity.

If you are thinking of becoming a Christian, take not of this. God is not content with you just letting him in and then locking him away in some room for when you need him. He wants to live in a palace. He wants to make you perfect, if you let him. Sometimes this is painful. The father taking his son to the dentist and hearing his screams is doing it out of love. Think about this. To put it another way, suppose your brother is out doing drugs and robbing cars, but he is happy. Hell he is having the time of his life. Love will force you to lock him up in rehabilitation. Mere kindness will simply leave him alone.

G. K. Chesterton also spoke about this side of love. If you love someone because of something, then your love is conditional. If you love a girl because she has green eyes, then will you love her if she goes blind? Will you save her if the eyes are green because of cancer? If you love her because of her fondness of something you like, will you love her if she finds something else? If you love her unconditionally then you will not accept her as she is. You will try your best to improve her, to help her overcome her bad aspects. Love is not blind, love is bound. It is not love to leave the object of your affection in a state of disorder and evil.

You can listen to it here: https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/frankenstein/929468657?i=929468711

2. Election – Kevin Max

Everybody’s faking it
everybody’s doing just fine
but when you look inside their private lives
its just a basket of lies 

I’d rather hide out in bars
with the misfits and ghouls
than pretend I’ve found a home in that social club
of robotic and judgmental fools

 

This song cured me, at least partly, of my judgmental attitudes towards other song genres and towards people in general. A lot of times in my life I’ve found people who are doing great, only at another point to find them just as corrupted as everyone else, often even worse. This song helped me leave my stupid legalistic leanings. I would much rather spend a night with my friends in the mall, with them enjoying beer, than chat with a bunch of hypocrites.

 

1. Long Long Way to Go – Phil Collins

While I sit here trying to move you anyway I can
Someone’s son lies dead in a gutter somewhere
And it would seem that we’ve got a long long way to go
But I can’t take it anymore

I recall the first time I truly listened to this song. It was late at night last year. I was struggling with some awful assignment totally useless for helping anybody. I want to help people, not learn a bunch of nonsense. Then this song came up.

While I sit here trying to think of things to say
Someone lies bleeding in a field somewhere

It became a habit listening to this song whenever I felt bitter towards the world, whenver I felt bitter for the useless shit I’m learning, whenever I listened to senseless, stupid, academic or mainstream debates on idiotic topics… all while people are dying. Let’s discuss the benefits of Realism over Liberalism -> insert picture of dying Syrians here. It is disgusting and horrible.

While I sit and we talk and talk and we talk some more
Someone’s loved one’s heart stops beating in a street somewhere

It is also about mundane things, about people discussing or getting angry about stupid things like sport or the traffic or whatever… all the while the world is burning. And they don’t care.

Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off it will go away
Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off or look away

It is quite fitting that this song became the most played song on my computer on the night before my final exam.

Listen to it. It is eerie and deep.

 

Al weer bitter? Ag come on!

My laaste toets is om die draai en tog is ek disturbingly chilled daaroor. Al gaan dit my toekoms dalk bepaa.

Hierdie naweek was my ma wag saam met my ouma hulle na een of ander iemand toe op een of ander plek. Ek kan nie minder omgee oor plekke en dinge wat mense doen nie. Ek gee net niks om nie. Maar anyway…

So ek was alleen by die huis saam my geliefde kat en hond. Net ek. Vir twee volle dae. En net in daai twee dae het ek weer al daai pynvolle, bitter gevoelens gehad van eerste jaar en veral die begin van hierdie jaar – beide tye wat ek op my eie gebly het. Bitter teen oor vriende wat nie ‘n hel om gee nie. Nog voor die naweek het ek weer so begin voel. Ek het sommer al my facebook posts gestel op “only me”, want, wats die verskil of dit public is of private as niemand anyway op dit reageer nie? Wat is die punt? Sê my.

Ek het Vrydag nog vir die een vriend gese wat oorslaap by ‘n ander vriend dat as hulle erens heen gaan moet hulle my saamvat. Hulle weet ek is alleen, maar de hel met my, ne? Vrydag aand wou ek ‘n bietjie online speel saam met een van die twee. Ek wou net bietjie met iemand gesels terwyl ek iets doen. Maar nee hy wil nou afgaan. Net ‘n dag of so voor die tyd het ek afgegaan na hy te lank gevat het, maar het ek weer opgekom, verby my self-imposed slaap tyd opgebly, ter wille van hom. Want ek wil van hom hoor. Maar nee hy gaan nou af. Nie dat hulle vroeg gaan slaap nie, o nee. Hulle het seker eers 3 uur die oggend gaan slaap.

Hulle twee het toe uitgegaan, maar dit was na ‘n verjaarsdag partytjie van iemand wat ek van laerskool af al nie like nie. Eks bly. As dit iemand was wie ek ge like het, sou ek vrek seer gevoel het – nes in eerste jaar – as hulle my nie genooi het nie. Maar gelukkig was dit nie so nie.

En vandag weer wil ek hoor by die ander vriend wat hy en die ander vriend als maak. En ek let weer op hoe flippen kort af hy alewig is op whatsapp. Hys nooit so in persoon nie. En elke keer wat ek bitter is teenoor hom, en hom later sien, is ek spyt dat ek ooit so bitter teen oor hom was. Maar dit verpes my hoe hy geen belangstelling het in die boodskappe wat ek vir hom stuur of vir die af en toe se youtube link of so nie. Maar die oomblik wat hy een of ander interessante topic aan die hand het wat ons gewoonlik discuss sal hy vir my dit stuur en ons discuss dit.

Hulle twee bly darem  vriende. Ek gee hulle dit. Hulle is actually pelle. Ek weet dat al het ek die whatsapp een weke laas gesien bly ek en hy beste pelle, alongside die ander een. Hulle is nie soos daai individualiste daar anderkant wat geen persepsie van actual vriendskap het nie.

Ek dink ek het so pas my bitterheid uitgetik. Sal maar sien. Dalk voel ek in vyf minute weer so.

You are not Friends

I don’t mean that you are not my friends. What I mean is that you don’t know what it’s like to be friends. 

I’m talking every single one of you bastards who are so insanely individualistic and yet so superficially in support of “friendship”. You assholes who think you know what friendship entails, but really don’t.

I can sum up a friend in one simple sentence: someone who will often stick you for a cup of coffee. Someone who would like to see you often.

That is the essence of a friend.

How do I express my anger without sounding petty, which I probably am? For the first few months I was staying at that forsaken place, alone, without doing ANYTHING. You KNEW that. Yet you just didn’t give a shit, did you? It’s not like anyone of you thought: “Hey! We’re off to watch this rugby game! Why don’t we invite him? I mean he’s a cool friend who I would want to see”. Nah I simply didn’t even enter your thoughts.

That’s why I moved back to where my real friends are. Screw you all.

And sometimes you say you miss me. Do you really? Aren’t you just lying to yourself? You and your 100+ friends? You probably “miss” all of them too. A few weeks ago I read a picture with text on a rather cliche Spanish Facebook page. It said: “Dices ‘te extraño’, pero no vienes a verme’. That is, “You say you miss me, but you don’t come to see me”. When I was still staying at that place I suggested that we and whoever else should go to the art museum, or the zoo, or anywhere you want. After all, we are students! We are free! But you just never took the time. You and the other one are the only people I ever saw over there. Now I moved back and whenever you mention that we should still do this, I can’t help but shake my head.

Or you, who are SO obsessed with that damn videogame. You came over and I wanted to share with you a game I recently purchased (I rarely purchase games nowadays) and you simply didn’t care. And you should know by now that I rarely play anything. You were just so obsessed with that damn… demo (he didn’t have the game, just a demo of it). And a few weeks later when I told you I’m busy you asked me if it was because I was playing that game you played. Like what the fuck, man? Are you so daft and self-focused? And you just couldn’t understand how I could not be playing that game of yours. And today when you send me that Steam invite to play DOTA with you. Seriously? I told you I don’t have it, that I don’t want to play it, that I prefer League of Legends, that it is too expensive, yet you send the invite? I don’t expect you to remember everything I told you, but come on.

And you, you have the best heart of anybody I know, yet even you have that student individualist mentality. I told you months ago that I moved out and that I’m driving in each day for class. Why the hell then do you think I can watch a movie at night? Or that we can go to “my place”. I hate that place. Or we would agree that we would see each other at that time, but when I messaged you to ask where you are, you said you are on your way home? What the fuck? Or you would keep asking me: “Are we going to go watch that movie next week?”. And I would say yes. Then my other friends would ask me to go watch that same movie with them but because of my promise to you I  would decline them… only to hear that the weekend you watched that movie on you own anyway!

This also reminds me of you, The Girl, who was such a pain a few years back. We were friends, yet after class you would simply vanish without looking back. Unless I took the trouble to catch up with you we would never speak. So I got confused. Perhaps you just don’t want to – we all have our tastes. You once said that it is just “university life” NOT to greet your friends. Yet the next time in class, just to see what you’d do, I would take you on your advice by simply walking out without greeting or looking back, but then after a few minutes you would message me asking me where I am? So you do expect me to wait? I used to think that this was simply you. But now I realise it is all of you.

Or perhaps I’m the one that’s mad.

Nah. I’m staying with my two cool friends over here. Yes they have their issues. Yes I’ve complained about them numerous times on this blog as well. But at least they know what it is like to be a friend. None of you do.

Die Minimum wat Sy Moet Wees

Is this the world you want?
You’re making it
Everyday you’re alive

The World You Want – Switchfoot

Ek dink baie aan haar. Ek imagine dat sy so en so is, maar ek weet dat sy obviously nie gaan wees wat ek verwag nie. That being said, daars net een ding wat sy absoluut moet hê:

Geduld, liefde en respek… nie vir my nie, maar vir my musiek. As ek haar vra om ‘n oomblik te vat en na hierdie vier minute lang liedjie te luister moet sy rustig daarna wil luister.

Min dinge maak my siel so seer as wanneer ek vir iemand ‘n liedjie met so veel diepte wil speel, net vir daai persoon om nie op te let nie.

 

Burdening Myself

From The Devils by Fyodor Dostoyevsky:

‘I can’t understand it!’ Stavrogin said angrily. ‘Why does everybody expect something from me that is not expected from anybody else? Why should I put up with things no one else puts up with? Why should I agree to burdens no one else can bear?’

‘I thought you were looking for a burden yourself.’

‘Me looking for a burden?’

‘Yes.’

‘You – you realized that?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is it so noticeable?’

‘Yes.’

I’m an Ignorer King

I feel bad writing this rant immediately after my post on Christ.

You know what pisses me off? Two three four things: people being severely impatient, people who just assume things, people who don’t know when they ask too much, and not having emotional space. At this very moment of writing my friend is sending me “hi” on Steam – constantly. It would be an understatement to say he has written it 30 times already, and now as I type this I see the Steam popups of these messages coming through.

What the hell do you expect? If I’m not going to answer after your third post, why do you think I’ll answer after the 30th post?

A week ago another friend did the same thing on Whatsapp: probably sending a message 15 times. Come on. The day before yesterday the Steam friend did it while I was on the way to university, listening to my music through Bluetooth constantly being interrupted by these whatsapp messages. Why? Just why? If I’m not answering, I am either away from the phone or ignoring you. If I’m away, what does it help to send multiple messages? If I’m ignoring you, why would I answer you after a specified number of messages? Dude, just stop. All you’re doing is irritating me, and yet you expect me to remain cool when I answer you?alpes.JPG

The second thing that ties in with this is the lack of emotional space. Some people simply don’t give you any room to have a different mood. If you get upset, they get upset because you’re upset. If you have a bad day, they will take it personally and then use it against you until you apologise. But if they are in a bad mood you just have to let it be. This is of tremendous importance: you must be allowed to show your mood. I’m not talking about taking it out on somebody – that is always unexcusable. I’m talking about those times you are tired and you don’t want to speak, and then because you seem a bit irrtated, without you being mean, people hold it against you. This is really selfish: they just HAVE to make it about themselves. You just HAVE to be in a good mood; shame on you if you’re not. Think about this for a second – this puts you in a kind of emotional prison, or at least into some kind of emotional fakeness, which is unhealthy. Take the above case of the messages: if I am simply rude and say “stop doing this” they’ll take it personally as though I have no right to protest against what they’re doing. So I just don’t do it and I just suffer the pain.

A while back on my birthday I had a similar experience: I have this one friend whom I’ve mentioned on this blog who likes to manipulate people to some extent. He would say things like “If you have time”, “If you really want to”, “So that’s how it is”, “Sorry I bothered you”. Those people who want you to be sorry for them, who like trying to guilt trip you. A few days before my birthday he asked if he could visit that Friday. I had to study for my semester test on Monday, so I asked if we could catch up on Monday evening. He couldn’t, so he replied with “Sorry I bothered you”. He did that twice in the discussion. Then I lost it and told him that I will not suffer my third year semester test and that I tried to see him the week before – in short I clearly (with no ill words) told him what I thought. He didn’t reply.  It just can’t be that THEY are the one with the problem, you know. On my birthday he asked “Can I come tomorrow?”. I said, “I wish we could, but I have to work the whole day tomorrow at a shop”. Then that damn reply of him: “Oh, when do you have time for me?“. On my damn birthday he wanted to guilt trip me. So I ignored him for the rest of the day. So he wondered why I’m “different” these days. It just can’t be that HE made a mistake, you know, it HAS to be me.

The third problem is people who just assume things. Sometimes in a discussion I come across as cold and calculating. I have a tendency to always question what people say, not because I disbelieve them, but simply because I want to know their reasoning. In short, I like to play Devil’s Advocate. But people really take this the wrong way, though I am partly responsible. One person would talk about this and that, and I would ask “why?”. So he just assumes that I think therefore that “this and that” is wrong. I did not say that! I want the reasoning. Lately it is really hard for me to discuss things with people because they simply don’t argue correctly. If I try to make a point, they would go off on some irrelevant tangent. If I provide a counter example, they would take my argument to the extreme. In a discussion with my dad on “tolerance” I said that it is intolerant to force tolerance on people, which means the idea undermines itself. So he assumed I’m arguing for some anarchist system where no speech is limited. I did not say that!

Or, not in arguments, but in other cases, someone would ask me if I’m in the mood for pizza. I would say “No”. Then they would conclude that therefore I don’t like pizza! I did not say that! Or what really bugs me about the one side of my family, is that they would conclude a habit based on a single event. Now, as we learnt in maths, you can only predict a series of numbers if you have at least three numbers. You cannot take “3” and immediately conclude that the next number is “9”. You cannot do that even if you have two numbers (1, 4). You can only do that if you have three numbers (1, 4, 9). The point of this is that they would see me make a cup of tea at one o’clock, and therefore conclude that I always make tee at one o’clock. No! You can’t just assume that. Or in another vein, I would usually socialise during the day and then relax in front of the pc at night. So when I talk to my friends online at night, they always find me either in front of the pc or working on an assignment. So they just assume that therefore I’m in front of the pc the whole day and that thus I need to “get out more”. Man this irritates me.

The last thing that bothers me has bothered me for as long as I could remember: when you help somebody and that person is mean while you are helping them. I recall when still in primary school my older sister would ask me to help move something in her closet. I would do so, and then she’ll start being mean to me if I make a mistake. So eventually when she acted that way I just left her to herself. Recently this manifested in me doing my friend a favour. During the week he wanted to go to a shop nearby to look at laptops. He doesn’t have a car so he rides to work on his bicycle. So I drove ALL THE WAY to his work, and there I struggled to find where exactly he works. So after riding around the block and accidentally going into a residential area I came close to his work and stopped on the opposite side of the road in a bit of a clearing. But on whatsapp he kept insisting that I come inside. I didn’t want to. Then he came out with his bicycle and kept telling me to cross over to the opposite side. WHY? It is clear, he can come to ME. Why should I struggle with my car to go there? It is a lot safer for him to cross with his bicycle than for me to cross with my car. There is more than enough safe space where I am to load the bicycle (there was a bit of a gravel area next to the road where I stood). After some argument I went to the other side. Then he kept insisting that now I have to drive up a bit onto the sideway to get out of the way of the cars. WHY? Just load the damn thing, there is enough space. In fact, there was DAMN MORE THAN ENOUGH SPACE WHERE I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE!!! Bullshit like this drives me through the roof. It took everything in me to remain calm enough. I am helping YOU. YOU have no right to insist on ANYTHING. I’m not unreasonable, you can ask and usually I’ll do what you ask, but the moment you DEMAND that I help you in YOUR way I just want to leave you to yourself. The arrogance of it all!

Christian Euphemisms

This problem has been bugging me for years now. It is widespread, shameful and dangerous. What is the problem? Christian euphemisms.

If you’re a Christian, I challenge you with this question: “When’s the last time you mentioned the NAME ‘Jesus’ to someone?”.

Think about it.

Or did you use “religion” or “faith”? Why those euphemisms? Why are you ashamed of his name?

Consider this: in a normal discussion on people’s salvation, we should be talking in a way like this: “I pity these people who have not experienced Christ’s grace in their lives, who are not saved and who don’t have Jesus as a friend”.

Yet instead of that we have something like this: “These people are so lost. They follow the wrong faith. If only they knew what religion is right”. Or perhaps it is a tad bit better, but more awkward: “I pity these people, who, you know, don’t know HIM [euphemism], you know, God”.

What the hell, man? I know we all do this, but we should stop. This is shameful.

I’m Traumatised

A few years ago in my last year of school something happened which has traumatised me ever since. I had a cat. A very beautiful, playful, extremely energetic kitty cat. One midday I was sitting inside playing a video game. I remember hearing a car hooting outside, but I didn’t think much of it. But then my mom received a phone call saying she was run over in front of our house. It seems our cat crossed the road, saw a car, wanted to turn back, and was hit by this second car. I still curse that driver who did this to her. I remember her lying there – dead. Or was she dead? Her eyes had blood coming out of it, and her tongue hang out of her mouth. I really hoped she was dead, rather than paralyzed and slowly dying.

If my previous cat was my best friend, then this dear one, Millie (Russian for “cute”) was my daughter. Because I lost my previous cat, Leo, I appreciated every day with Millie. Honestly, each morning I thanked God for her. But what struck me was her being killed in the day. Not during the night, but in the day: right there for my eyes to behold her dead body lying there. The following day after school my best friend and I buried her. I still remember seeing the blood in the street for a few days afterwards. Luckily the rain washed it away.

Later the same year my mother wanted a new cat. I didn’t, for obvious reasons. But over time I’ve grown extremely attached to this one as well. Her name is Espi (shortened for Esperanza, which means Hope).

But I’m traumatised.

Every. Single. Time. for the last three years now, whenever I hear a car hooting outside, I am afraid Espi is run over. I cannot rest until I see her alive.

Today, just around twilight, a car stood outside for a long time. Damn those damn people always stopping outside our house for no reason! Damn them all! Everytime I see a car outside I look for Espi to see if she’s alright. This time I couldn’t find her. My mother was jogging, so I looked at her phone to see if she has a miss call – perhaps Espi is run over and somebody called her. A missed call from an unsaved number! Where’s Espi? I went out the front, came back inside and searched the house, went out the back, and still I couldn’t find her.

But when I came out the front I saw her little eyes looking at me. So I just picked her up and hugged her fat little tummy while she struggled to get loose.