Update! (al weer)

Dis tien voor tien en ek wil eintlik slaap. So baie dinge het gebeur die afgelope maand.

Eerste ding: ek het to enie apply vir Chile nie. Dis ‘n kombinasie van vrees, admin, en werk.

Ek het my meesters dissertation ingehandig! Dit was ‘n great oomblik. Ek weet nie of ek self glo wat ek gesê het nie, maar ek dink dis darem decent. En Maandag het ek daai stupid eksamen portfolio klaar gemaak.

So ek is…

Klaar…

Baie antiklimaktiese einde aan vyf jaar se studies! Ek het dit nog nie eers gevier nie!

Deesdae is die huis baie onveilig. Een dag se my ma sy dink die grawe is gesteel. Dit het my bekommer. Maar ‘n paar weke later het sy gewonder of sy ‘n fout maak. Okay.

Toe ‘n paar dae later sit ek buite by die kar. Net om weg te kom van almal af. En hier kom ‘n ou aangeloop in die YARD. Ek was geskok. Die details is nie die issue hier nie. Maar ek was regtig geskok. Dit was soos ‘n klein paniek… nie ‘n aanval nie, maar definitief nie goed nie.

‘n Dag of twee later breek hulle in by die buitekamer en steel my fiets. Eks nie gepla oor die fiets nie. Ek het amper ‘n panic attack gehad. Ek was heeltemal bewus daarvan. Ek was nie reg nie. Louis was by die huis maar hy het my nie geantwoord nie. Ek het hom nodig gehad. Toe gaan ek maar Musica toe. Ek het goeie musiek daar ontdek so dit gehelp.

‘n Paar dae later (Maandag?) was ek weer agter, en ek sien toevallig een ou wat wou oorklim. Flip pla dit my weer.

O ouma-hulle trek Pretoria toe.

En die geld! My ma skuld tegnies geld aan Tuks, maar in haar hoe moet my pa halfde betaal. Maar as hy doen het hy 3/4 betaal. So dis nie reg nie. Aan die anderkant wil ek my ma help. So ek gaan die ander halfde (dis eintlik halfde van ‘n halfde, of halfde van ‘n derde) gaan ek self betaal. Die geld wat my ouma hulle vir my bele het, plus of my eie sakgeld of die savings geld. Ek werk nou hard elke oggend op die site om geld te maak.

So ek sal sien hoe dit gaan.

Verder Da- verjaar more. Ek sien hom Vrydag. Ek moet regtig ook vir Na- sien. Vir ‘n slag weer.

En Ry-… Aai!

En my suster. Mmm.

Maar ‘n audio version van die Bybel is oppad. Ek is nogal opgewonde vir dit.

Update vir ‘n slag

Dis omtrent tyd. Alhoewel eerlikwaar wil ek net die laptop afsit.

Ek is byna klaar met my sogenaamde research. Ek met net more ingaan om dokumente haal sodat ek weet watse format my document moet wees. Dan handig ek dit seker in volgende week.

Al wat dan voorle is die ander vak se eksamentaak, ‘n “portfolio”. Klink na crap maar dis alright.

Belangrike issues wat ek ‘n lang tyd suppress het kom terug. Soos issues rondom werk kry.

En daars ‘n klein kans dat ek Chile toe kan gaan! Klein want ek kry nie myself om te apply nie. Daars baie redes vir dit, maar een van hulle (net een van hulle) is die idee dat as ek ‘n jaar lank weg is en ek kom terug… dan kom ek af op my hond wat dood is van ouderdom, my kat wat dalk omgery is, en my ma, pa, ouma, en oupa wat oud is. En vriende wat verander het. Ek like nie die idee nie.

My vriend se oupa is dood. Sy begrafnis is more.

Die afgelope tyd lees ek Crime and Punishment op Reddit. Ons is nou by Part 2 Chapter 4.

My lees goals vir die res van die jaar is om meer te lees van Gogol en Chekhov, en dalk ander Russe. Ek wil ook nog The Republic klaar maak en hopenlik my hele collection van Plato.

In geloof en so voel ek persoonlik okay. Maar dit pla my so veel. So damn baie, om te stres oor my vriende en hulle issues. Dis asof hulle blind is. En ek kan nie help nie. Dis asof ek skree en niemand kan my hoor nie. Of skree ek net nie?

A return to Tinder

Last year I went on Twitter, got a match, and proceeded to become irrationally attached to a girl I haven’t met yet. And the day we did meet was absolutely awful.

So of course I should use the app again, right?

So I did. This is going to sound incredibly condescending, but I noticed a number of things most girls on the app do and say. The majority of them have pictures of themselves in either swimming clothes, or out right underwear. Like, come on?

A lot, if not most of them, say or have the following:

  • I like adventures!
  • I like deep conversations
  • If you can’t handle me at my worst, I respect you having boundaries
  • I’m weed friendly!
  • A rainbow flag
  • Looking for someone to skip class with!

This is so incredibly generic. But I’m sure they get a lot of matches. I just had to point this out.

Just fyi, I know some people will see this as the post of some incel who is just frustrated. No. I know 22 people “liked” me. This is not much of an achievement as that is 22 in four or five weeks. I’m not bragging (I know attractive guys probably get a tonne of matches a day), but I just want to silence the “incel” response. Of these 22 I only came across three of them, and I only decided to swipe right one of these three.

This one I swiped right on looked interesting. Introverted, likes books, a Christian. Her one picture was so fascinating. Only a picture of her face with her chin on her hands I think. Short hair and brown eyes. Usually such short hair is a turn off. But her whole face seemed so refined. Her second picture made her look terribly old and mature, even though she’s still young. Then her third picture… a picture of just a nice smiling girl. And yet wearing neither fashionable nor traditional clothes. But her fourth picture sucked again. But all in all, a super like!

Anyway, we started talking about our tastes in books and music. There were actually some overlap between the two. She liked crime and detective books. I like Crime and Punishment and Father Brown. She knew the latter. And with music I said my favourite is Michael W. Smith, and she said she often listens to him after a long day. After this I wanted to know what movies she likes…

It was late at night so I didn’t expect a response. Then today I wanted to check something she said, only to notice she unmatched me. The last thing she said is that she likes my taste in music.

I was a bit surprised to be honest. I thought she we would talk for at least another few days to just get a broader superficial idea of what we like or dislike. I did expect her to ghost me eventually. In fact I hoped for it. I was thinking about how I was making the same problems for myself as I did last year. However, at the same time another side of me did have some hope. That same naive hope… But I suppressed this side.

But to just simply vanish, after a compliment, just seemed a bit strange. It’s a good thing I suppose. It was just something interesting, and it didn’t come to a point where I could take it personal or she could hurt my feelings.

So I spent a few hours swiping… just to get tired, pause my account, and uninstall the app.

Hopefully never again, but who knows?

Even more dreams

A short while back I wrote this post about dreams I’ve had last month, and years ago. I have two more to add. Just dreams that were very uncomfortable.

(Edit: there’s also this one where dreamed how the sky was literally filled with stars, galaxies, and nebulae)

The first was on Sunday morning. I dreamt I was dying. My friends were there with me. I really, really, did not want to die. And yet I know I would resurrect. In fact I think I did, and my friends were a bit disappointed. They thought I deceived them. I can’t remember correctly but I think he had to die again.

The second was a day or two ago. I dreamt someone was breaking into my car. I could hear him. So I actually had the guts to go outside and confront him. It’s uncomfortable as a dream because my car is parked within the gates of our house. I saw he messed up the radio trying to remove it. The police soon arrived. I knew this one officer was corrupt. He wanted to shoot me. But I had trust in the other cops that they would stop him. And they did.

The third dream is not so dense, but I dreamt I saw that girl again. That one who started this blog. We met along the road. Man did I miss her! And hugging her felt so real. I think we spend a while talking and stuff. I can’t remember the rest.

My father thinks the dream of my death is symbolises the fact that my life as I know it is coming to an end. My studies are ending and (hopefully) next year I will find a job. Maybe.

Abnormal dreams

I’ve just re-read this old post. It reminded me of three or four other dreams that I’ve had which have been peculiar at best and down-right disturbing at worst.

The first was years ago, while still at school. It’s so long ago that I am not quite sure whether this really happened or whether it’s just my own imagination. So take it with a grain of salt. It was in my final year at school. The night before a test. I dreamt (or I think I did) about a female friend of mine, called Susan. She missed her test. Or maybe I missed the test? I don’t remember. Someone missed the test. The next day at the exam we were seated in the school hall. I was sitting close to the exit at the back. I saw Susan hanging around. I knew she had the same module, and yet she wasn’t sitting and still hanging around outside. I think I recalled my dream at that point. I managed to get her attention and she got to her table at time.

The other three dreams are recent. As I was writing this I remembered I already wrote about them in Afrikaans. But I might as well do the same in English.

For the first dream you have to know something. I was born with a cleft lip and palate. Because of that my whole life long I have had trouble speaking. Some times I sound better. Other times not. Sometimes I’m okay in the morning, excellent in the evening and awful at night. Or something like that. But the last few years I have been feeling like I’ve been going backwards and becoming more unclear and nasal.

So I dreamt that this fear came true. A speech therapist came to see me at my house. He told me exactly this: that I’m worse than I was. I woke up with a panick attack. I lied in bed shivering and praying, saying “Jesus, hold me”. I never speak like that. And I’ve never experienced something like that. I’ve only had a panic attack once or twice before. Once at school and another time (possibly) early this year.

The next dream is more controversial. It was a weak after the one above. It also needs context. My one friend is questioning his sexuality and he thinks he is gay. It had been bothering me a lot. Not that gay part, or not entirely to be honest. Rather, as I told him over Whatsapp, what bothers me is that it is bothering him. I am stressed because he is stressed. It’s so complicated to deal with this.

In my dream at one point this friend and a strange man kissed. Passionately. And everyone cheered. It disturbed me.

After reading my old post I just felt the need to record these. I am beginning to wonder whether I am indeed the type of person that’s sometimes afflicted by dreams.

For a few years I’ve had two recurring dreams. Recurring in that they had had the same themes. The one always had to do with oceans or floods or tsunamis. Dreams where the sea or some wave or something like that is going to drown me. Sometimes I manage to get away, other times I wake up before I know what happened. But usually I manage, but only just. My father asked me whether I think it means that I’m afraid of the future.

He also told me that at a time he had recurring dreams of showing up unprepared for an exam.

The second theme is walking barefoot. I get dreams where I dream that I am in a public space like a mall and I am barefoot. Or just outside the house and barefoot. It is extremely uncomfortable. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I believe it represents two aspects: unpreparedness and uncomfortableness.

I told a friend of mine about these early this year or late last year. He asked me an obvious question: have I prayed about it? That night or sometime I did. I just asked that, if it is good and if He wants to, then please do something about them. Since that night I have not had another dream of floods or tsunamis. But I still have dreams of going about barefoot. Maybe I should pray more specifically about this one? I wonder whether there’s a part of me that actually wants these dreams to happen?

My third dream was last night. I dreamt I was walking on campus. A person I knew called after me asking if I was ignoring him. I was. He was in a Christian group I attended a few years back but left after I found out they were close to a cult. In my dream I eventually spoke with him and others who attended the group. I apologised so much and asked them to forgive me. Not so I can rejoin the group. I remember in my mind I was still uncertain I was right to leave. But I asked them to forgive me for forsaking them like that. For one day just walking out and never coming back.

This dream might not mean anything. But it was weirdly realistic and the emotions and pleas for forgiveness were real.

Dinge doen

My vriend wat ek nooit sien nie. Is dit ek wat nie moeite doen nie? Of is ek besig? Of doen jy nie moeite nie? Of is dit net omstandighede?

Maar hel, jy doen altyd dinge. Ek doen nie. Jy tutor en gee lesse en gaan China toe en kom terug en werk en cosplay… En ek doen niks. Ons doen niks. Eks pateties. As ek dink aan jou en jou gesin sien ek oopte en vryheid. Spasie.

Baie dinge

Ek het vergeet om hierdie ‘n bietjie vroeer te skryf. Vir die afgelope paar weke het ek basies alleen gebly terwyl my ma oorsee was. Nie dat ek eintlik so baie tyd vir myself gehad het nie. My ouma-hulle en die en dat het aleweig al die tyd geeet. Maar dit was wel net kal en rustig. Soos asof my gedagtes net kon aangaan sonder interruptions.

Maar syt vandag terug gekom.

Eergister was ek by die ambassade van Chile. Wat ‘n wonderlike experience! Die spaans en die Chileans en alles. Dit was so goed. En ons het na die tyd lekker met hulle gesels. Of hulle het, en ek het net lekker geluister.

Hulle het ons ook vertel vvan ‘n full scholarship in chile. Dit het onmiddelik my imagination op ‘n hol gesit. Dit klink na ‘n goeie moontlikheid, maar jinne die doubts en so. Soos as jou punte te laag is daar anderkant betaal jy hulle terug. Die hele application ding maak dit ook moeilik. Paspoort, recommendation, die en dat en als in ‘n maand.

En wat hou my terug? As ek daai vraag vra sien ek vir twee van my vriende. Ek weet hulle kort my. En my ouma-hulle. En my diere. Eks bang as ek oor ‘n jaar terug kom is altwee my diertjies dood en my ouma-hulle oud.

Eks ook bang vir die eensaamheid daar. En die tipe stres om self als uit te vind. En die een ding wat ek nie lus sal wees om te doen nie is die actual studie.

Maar aan die anderkant… Chile! Die musiek en mense en die experience. Spaans en om net daar te wees en die plek te beleef. Vriende te maak, te travel dalk, see toe te gaan… miskien iemand ontmoet.

Is ek capable van dit? Sulke “gewone” dinge maak my so bang. Ek weet nie wat om te doen as ek by ‘n lughawe aankom nie. Wat ek moet maak nie. Waar ek sal moet uitkom nie. Maar chile.

En die afgelope weke of maande is daar ander dinge wat my pla. Ek het twee aaklige drome gehad terwyl my ma weg was, een die week na die ander. Die een was oor ‘n spraakterapeut wat my kom sien het by my huis. Hyt my worst fear confirm dat ek agteruit gaan en onduideliker is as ooit.

Ek het wakker geword met ‘n panick attack. Ekt net gelê en gesê “Jesus, hou my vas”. Ek sê nooit iets soos dit nie. Hierdie droom het my laat besef dat hierdie worry van my is eintlik baie dieper as wat ek gedink het. En dit tie in met my ander twee worries oor my ore, en dit weer met my worry oor ‘n operasie wat ek al moes gehad het maar ek weet nie wat gaan gebeur nie. En ek weet dit kan help…

O en die klasgelde is overdue.

‘n Paar dae of ‘n week later het ek ‘n ander droom gehad. Maar dit kort konteks. Een van my vriende wat dink hys gay of bisexual. Flip. En hy luister nie. Don’t get me wrong, want hy misverstaan my. Ek sukkel so hard om hom te laat verstaan wat ek bedoel. Hyt een ding uiteindelik verstaan: dat ek suffer oor dit want ek weet hy suffer oor dit. Dit pla my want dit pla hom.

Maar terselftetyd as ‘n Christen voel ek hy mis heeltyd die punt wat ek wil maak. Dat as hy glo moet hy verstaan daars ‘n verskil tussen desires en aksie. En dus, wat my ook pla is nie dat hy dalk in ‘n gay verhouding sal wees nie per se. Wat my pla is wat, vir my, lyk na ‘n gevaarlike pad. Dat hy nooit regtig gelukkig sal wees nie. Dat die issues met sy familie en so net erg sal wees. Dis asof hy by ‘n cliff afry en hy kan my nie hoor skree nie. Maar dit help nie ek se dit nie want die leser sal ook misverstaan wat ek bedoel.

So my twede droom was weer stupid, maar op een punt het ek gedroom hoe my vriend ‘n ander ou soen. Passionately. Dit het my ook begin pla.

En die ander ding is weer my ander vriend. Hys nogal ‘n committed Christen. Ek het amper hom gevra of hy met my vriend wat sukkel sal praat. Maar toe het hierdie vriend sy eie krisis begin ontwikkel. Hy wonder oor suffering en so. Soos flip! Is ek alleen? Het ek niemand om meer te praat oor my dinge nie? Die Here luister, maar hy weet ek kort iemand.

Ek het begin dink hierdie Christen vriend is bietjie beter. Maar net nou sien ek hou hy “fuck” skryf op ‘n Facebook comment oor ‘n kompetisie. Dis so nie hy nie.

Half van die punt af: al hierdie dinge het my laat begin wonder hoe sterk my eie kop en sanity is. Dat ek op die verge van ‘n nervous breakdown dalk is. Ek glo nie. Maar soms wonder ek net.

Dis nie asof ek net stres heeltyd nie. Dis net dat al hierdie dinge is sulke underlying areas van stres wat my nie pla en laat bewe nie, maar wat op my gedagtes is.

Maar ek wil op ‘n mooi noot eindig. Elke keer wat ek dink aan hierdie issues imagine ek hoe iemand my vra: “Is jy gelukkig of nie?”. En eerlikwaar, my antwoord is altyd “ja”. “It is well with my soul”. Ek is gelukkig in my heart of hearts. Maar hierdie wêreld maak my moeg.

Te vi en la librería

Please correct possible mistakes. 

Te vi en la librería. La librería cristiana. El próximo día fui allí de nuevo. Buscaba un nuevo CD de mi cantante favorito. Una de las empleadas me ayudaba. Pero, en la realidad, solo fui allí para verte. Pero no estuviste allí.

No te conozco. Yo no sé si yo tenga el valor para hablar contigo. Para preguntarte si quiera tomar un café. O quiera ir al cine. No soy un acosador. No te preocupes. Solo te vi esa vez. Y ahora no puedo dejar de pensar en ti.

No puedo recordar como estabas. Solo recuerdo tu sonrisa cuando me viste. Una sonrisa poquita. Y muy breve. Pero una sonrisa hermosa.

Tu Mano en La Mía

Anoche soñé una vez más… Estuvimos en el teatro. ¿Por qué quieres verme? Soy un monstruo en comparación con tu. Mi cara, my voz, y todo de mí gritan “¡Aparta la mirada!”. Y sigues conmigo… Nunca lo entenderé. La única cosa que sé es la sensación de tu mano en la mía.

Parents are blind

I’ve just finished watching another two episodes of Flash season 1 (I’m late, I know). I appreciate the level of maturity and, well, heroism that we don’t see in even superhero shows and movies nowadays.

Just a few minutes ago we made ready for bed when my grandmother called my mother. My grandmother is on vacation. She saw a video or photo of me at a show we attended last night. She said her two sisters (who haven’t seen me in years) think I am very handsome. My grandmother does too. They especially like my hair.

It’s kinda funny. Kinda irritating. If I can pride myself on one thing it is to know how I really am. I know no person can ever truly know himself. There is always some aspect that you cannot see, whether it be good or bad. Let me put it bluntly: I am not handsome. I am alright with a photo of myself, sometimes. I hate seeing videos.

I was born with a cleft lip and palate. This has left me with some orthodontic issues and, the most irritating thing of my life, a speech impediment. I used to think that I would be fine if I had one of the two: if I can either speak clearly or look handsome. If I could just have one, I would happily live with the other. For a while I thought I could achieve that. But I haven’t and I do not think I ever will.

In fact, let me tell a another short story. I’ll keep it short. There’s this Christian book store that I like to go to close to my home. I had to pay for parking, but the machine won’t take large notes. So I thought I’d buy myself a bookmark at that bookstore just to get change. At the counter I was helped by a pretty girl. I remember daydreaming afterwards of how I should go and buy something else this week just so I can maybe see her. But as I was thinking about this I reflected on my self esteem. As I’ve concluded many times, I don’t have one. Like I have no qualms being with friends or talking to girls when I have to (for work or whatever). But when it comes to relationships, to asking someone on a date, to do stuff like that, I know there’s no hope. It might be cognitive dissonance speaking, but at the same time I know there is hope. To paraphrase Dostoevsky, a man cannot have these two ideas and keep living.

I am always keenly aware of those very old photos and videos of myself. I am aware of how I sound (I am putting this very lightly). I am aware of how I look. How that one tooth usually shows because my lip doesn’t quite hide it when I’m not concentrating.

If you have similar issues, whether it be some physical aspect that you can’t change, or perhaps some personal thing, you know what I mean when I say that I know I am not handsome. Your family will disagree with you. In your heart you know they are wrong. You don’t think they are lying. They have known you for decades and they’ve grown used to you. So in their eyes you really are attractive. But you know that’s not the case for the rest of the world. So you just smile, take the compliment, and ignore it.