A Tinder Obsession

So I finally messaged her… and I waited more than a day for a response. But, at last, she responded with a cute meme. And immediately I started talking with her. The more I think about her, the more I like her. But even then, this goes against all my values.

A few years ago I made a conscious choice NOT to get to know someone over the phone. I want to get to know someone in person. It is not right to do this over the phone. It makes everything superficial and cheapens all the necessary depth of a real conversation. It’s not right. Initially I thought that I want to get to know her, even if just over the phone. But that’s not fair to her either. I mean, why do it then? Just for superficial company? But then I am wronging her if she doesn’t want to do it just for superficial company. Am I doing it for something more? Then why do it over the phone?

But… what is the alternative? I can’t meet her without first getting to know her. And besides, I don’t think I even have the guts to meet her. I knew it was a mistake using this app. Now I’m captured. I can’t just ignore her, and I don’t want to. I want to get to know her, but I can’t do it on the phone or in person. What’s a man to do?

The one solution is for her to ignore me. Let’s hope for that…

 

 

 

But damn I don’t want her to!

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A Tinder Scare

You know that feeling when you play around in the dark, waiting to scare someone… and then suddenly you hear some silent footsteps coming your way? It’s like those horror movies where some poor idiot goes to a haunted house to “have some fun”… only to really come face to face with a floating white blanket with two holes in it… with some dark yellow eyed demon inside???

I really want to rewatch Oculus, and I want to watch the Conjuring 2. Just not now on my own. I get easily scared. But I digress.

Anyway, last night I was rather bored. And, admittedly, kinda lonely. So I randomly (quite randomly) downloaded Tinder as I laid in my warm, comfy bed. Everytime I’ve been bored today I just went on it and “swiped left or right”. All just for fun, of course (I have to be really bored to find this entertaining, I know). Not to actually talk to someone.

And now just as I want to go to bed I got a “match”. She seems decent, and the info she gives is actually funny:

I like
Series
Movies
Lists
Mass homicides
Intelligent people

Wait… one of these aren’t like the others…
Yeah nevermind I don’t like lists AS much

But suddenly I had that ghost feeling of “Umm okay I didn’t actually expect this”. But what am I talking about anyway? I haven’t even messaged her. It’s just suddenly the whole idea of conversation with a stranger, perhaps meeting her, the inevitable disappointment or… what’s worse… the commitment. Damn! My mind always gets carried away with everything.

There are so many peope in the world. And each with their own story. We all know this, but have we realised it yet? As I’m writing there are people, like her, probably playing guitar. There are others having the time of their life. Others are dying, painfully, and some are worshipping. And each one of them have goals, imperfections, fears, hearbreaks, and most importantly, dreams.

This girl seems nice. Perhaps I should message her?

 

 

But all the things that could go wrong…

A mi Gata

Gatita, mi gatita. Tus ojos son tan verde del jardín de Eden. Tus uñas son flechas que cortan mis manos y mi corazón. Tu rabo es un bosque que oculta tu cara – y tu amor – a mí.

Gatita, mi Esperanza… descansa en paz.

Blabbertjies

Eks nie baie lus om nou te skryf nie. Ek meen ek wil, maar ‘n ander deel van my wil net gaan slaap. En ek weet nie eers wat om oor te praat nie.
Iets van my studies, iets van haar, en ek dink iets van die kat. En iets van ‘n boek. Wat het dit als in gemeen?

Dinge is nou kalm weer. Die werk, ek is bly, is nie meer stresvol nie, maar dit voel soos ‘n gewig op my. Dit laat my dink aan daai boek. Maar die vryheid wat ek voel met die klasse wat verby is, is heerlik. Arme kats is nie gelukkig met daai monster hierso nie, maar uiteindelik lê sy snoesig op haar stoel.

Dan sy ook. O vriendin, ek kry jou jammer. Eks kwaad dat my geskenk eers na jou verjaarsdag gaan kom. Ek wil eendag by jou kom kuier, maar gaan ek ooit?

Wat is dit met die lewe wat alewig issue na issue op jou gooi? Wat is dit, Here? Ek meen, okay daars die medium termyn issue wat my siel opeet om ‘n werk te kry. En daars daai ander ding. Dan nou weer hierdie stupid werk, en dan daai week wat oppad is.

En soveel ander klein goedjies ook.

Daai boek. Wat ‘n mooi boek! En daai einde, dammit! Verlate, tenagekom, vernederd. Hy gee als op vir hulle, en alles draai mooi uit vir hulle. Maar hy word op die ou end uitgelaat. En vir wat? Vir wat presies? Het hy nie sy lewe en gesondheid gegee nie? Stupid goed. So pynvol… en somewhat relatable.

Dom goed.

“And in her eyes I read, “We could have been happy together forever!”

Like a Rainbow

Your true colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

True Colors – Cindy Lauper

I might have written about this before. I don’t know. I don’t care.

There is this song by Cindy Lauper, called True Colors. It is difficult to describe what this song is to me. Listening to it, I get this ancient feelings, going back to very early child hood. I know a part of me associates it with my mother, another with operations long gone, when I was too young to even think. All I know is it illuminates the dark chambers of infancy. And the message at at time did, and perhaps still does, mean so much to me.

Two White Nights

But how could you live and have no story to tell?

White Nights – Dostoyevsky

In many aspects I am a romantic. Not a romantic in the sense of being romantic with a girl, but more in appreciating love and happiness over all else. I hate and despise films and books who have tragic endings simply for the sake of Realism™. Yes, there is tragedy. Yes, there is suffering and pain and death. But to always take a view of love as something that will inevitably lose is not realistic. It is fatalistic and unrealistic.

These good stories where love and goodness wins – in spite of obstacles and not without them – have some transcendental significance which seems to defy all of reality, giving the sense that reality is not as real as it ought to be. That it is either a transient phase to something actual, or a paradise that has been lost.

There is a short story by my favourite author, Dostoyevsky, called “White Nights”. It is actually a type of tragedy, but it is about a man meeting a girl each day for a few weeks during the St. Petersburg white nights, and his complete love for her. It did turn out badly, for him, at the end. But still those nights emphasize the point of the title.

In the period of half a day I came across two such stories. The first is an anime. I’m not a lover of anime, so when a friend wanted me to watch Sword Art Online (SAO) I was rather skeptical. “Oh, another RPG style anime where the lead character dominates everyone in typical DragonballZ type of action”. That was the kind of thought in my head. But hey, procrastination leads you to do almost anything. And in truth the first few episodes were rather generic. It’s about some game designer trapping thousands of people into his virtual world, without the option of escaping: if you die in the game you die in real life.

At one point there was a scene where the lead character, Kirito, invited a girl, Asuna, who was “second in command of the most powerful guild” to simply take a day off. I then started to reflect on how anime tends to be rather shallow when it comes to romance. From the few romantic relationships I’ve seen, whether in Attack on Titan, DanMachi, and others, they all tend to be somewhat shallow. Love would be a motivation, as in DanMachi, where the adventurer Bell set out to impress a girl – again the typical reserved, but impressively overpowered female commander. And indeed it is a good anime. Or in Attack on Titan where there is an implied romantic relationship between Eren and Mikasa, with them going to some lengths to save each other, but still nothing much deeper. I began to think of Japanese anime as preferring this lighthearted “unsaid but true” kind of love.

But then SAO started to move away from the generic RPG “save the world” trope and began to be a whole lot more deeper. It slowly (and I appreciate it being done slowly) built up the relationship between Kirito and Asuna. Then since one impressively done scene where Asuna saved Kirito, and he kissed her, the anime took a strong romantic focus. They began to reflect on how only their relationship matters, with even escaping the game becoming a kind of side issue. Heck, they even got married! They really wanted to stay in this virtual world, together. But at the end they reflected on how they still prefer the real life, wanting to go on real dates and really get married. It really did make me think about whether I would also want to wake up to the real world, if this one is so much better. It reminds you of The Matrix where you can relate to Cypher preferring the virtual world over the real one. But I digress. My point is that everything revolved over their relationship, and twice their love for each other was the main reason for overcoming the game, even at the point of both of their “deaths”. At the end Kirito wakes up in a hospital, skinny and in ill health (they’ve been in de-facto comas for two years), struggling to walk down the hallway as he searched for Asuna.

Love overcame all odds. I love this kind of cliche stuff!

The second story is, according to some people, the best novel ever written: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy.

I was impressed from the start at the way Tolstoy described Russia, and especially the beginning where Levin met Kitty at a skating park, intending to propose to her. But things went shallow and I began to dislike the book. The focus on the adulterous affair between Anna and her lover, Vronsky, began to put me off, as did Levin’s turn to pessimism after being refused by Kitty as she preferred Vronsky over him… only for him to fall in love with Anna. I don’t want to read such things, such vile immoral stuff. If it is a stepping stone to something even greater, then yes. But for a few days I stopped reading it.

And then now, halfway through, Levin finally met Kitty again. And the way Tolstoy describes their meeting, and the way time went by so slowly for Levin as he waited to see her the next day as they wanted to announce their betrothal, it is all so pure and full of love. I love that.

I don’t know yet how the book will turn out. Perhaps everyone will be unhappy at the end. I don’t know. But I just love this.

“I Know How It Feels”

Lately I’ve been thinking back to that year, first year. I’m always thinking about the past. I recall how intensely messed up I was in more ways than I even knew. My head was… going mad.

I remember how I had one friend who I told all my issues to. Or at least some of the issues. And every time I wanted to get my feelings off my chest he would say “I know how that feels”, or “I’ve been there”. Every time he would write such replies, clearly encouraging me to ask “How so?”, so he can tell me about HIS feelings.

Now, looking back, I realise that I really was ignoring the obvious fact that he also had problems.

A few weeks back I saw a similar thing happening. We had to meet up for some stupid group assignment. I remember waiting at the 5th floor, looking out the window and listening to some of the girls talking about friendship. The one girl started saying how, when she went for an operation, her friend never really cared. She wanted to say so much more, but then the other girl kept saying “I know how that feels” and then went and told HER story. You know, interrupting that girl who wished to express some pain she had, and forcing her to listen to HER story.

It’s this kinda shit that I can’t stand for anymore.

This realisation has been somewhat problematic. There is a fine line between just listening to your friend’s problems and giving your own problem not to change the subject, but to show that you understand him, and interrupting him to have him listen to YOUR issues because yours are more important.

I’m always afraid of crossing that line. I hate how I need to analyze such things in the middle of a conversation.

Anyway, just some scattered thoughts.

I Can’t Take It Anymore

While I sit and we talk and talk and we talk some more
Someone’s loved one’s heart stops beating in a street somewhere
So it would seem we’ve still got a long long way to go
I’ve heard all I want to hear today

Long Long Way to Go – Phil Collins

“I’ll Pray for You”

I hate that statement! I despise it! It is usually said condescendingly, as if your interlocutor is stupid, or it is said out of laziness: that you will “pray” but not really do much else.

Don’t get me wrong. In the right context, of course, this is perfectly acceptable. When a friend struggles with his tests in a discipline you don’t know, then “I’ll pray for you” is perfectly acceptable.

Let me tell you what I have in mind. There is this organization on Facebook which gathers funds to help a number of people suffering from all kinds of diseases, whether it’s blindness, cleft palate or whatever.

I came across this group out of a sense of anger. I saw news on how some CEO assaulted a woman called “Bianca Fourie”. Now in South Africa everything is viewed in terms of race. So I googled “Bianca Fourie” to see which sites actually state this case in racial terms. I had an agenda. But then I discovered another “Bianca Fourie”:

 

I don’t know why, but I just knew I had to help. So I looked her up and I came across the Facebook page managing the donations. It was said that the next operation of like R700 000 is needed otherwise she’ll die! I think what spurred me on is how relatable she seems. It’s one thing to hear about people dying of some disease in some far away country. But a young girl, in your country, only slightly younger, that speaks your language, and lives relatively nearby… that realisation drove the issue home to me. So I went through a little bit of trouble to donate the very little bit I, as as student, can afford (a mere drop in the ocean).

That was a few days ago.

For some reason I suddenly remembered her and I looked her up again on that Facebook donor page. And here I just find people saying “I’ll pray for you”, “In God’s name”, “Amen”. Now, granted, I don’t want to come off as a judgmental prick. The people who write this have good intentions in mind. And there’s nothing wrong with praying for her. That’s good. But I saw the same pattern on other suffering people in the group and it sickened me.

Why don’t you actually DO something? The page is not there to make people aware so they can “pray”. It’s there so they can HELP. You know, actually do something? You have parents on their wits end, seeing their loved once slowly dying, slowly turning blind, slowly losing a part of life or life itself.

I think it was Paul who said that we should put our faith into practice.

And I know I’m a hypocrite. So much money I spent on random bullshit, when people out there need money to save their dying daughter. I’m aware of this. And this was my first act of charity in years. We are all evil and we all have the wrong priorities. I just needed to vent.

Here’s a story on her: https://rekordeast.co.za/169214/girl-in-need-of-urgent-surgery/

And here’s the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/childmedi.org/posts/2039636459646902

Contact the page to get the details on how to donate.