Honeurs Notas – Klas 1

Wat volg is maar net ‘n paar gedagtes wat ek neerskryf het voor ek ‘n klas het: my worries en dinge wat ek moes doen.

Klas: Research Report

Ek staan hier bo-op vloer 21 en luister na die ander se gesels. Ek voel half awkward in die sin dat ek nie die mense ken nie. Tenminste is daar nie oë op my nie. Lyk my die mense het gehoor van daai meeting op Twitter! Ek hoor ek kan wel die tweede semester modules hierdie semester vat…

So dit maak dit drie aande ‘n week…

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oN-DuI-dE-LiK

Ek is so, so vreeslik, wat is die woord? Gefrustreerd. Dit voel of ek elke jaar net al hoe meer onduidelik word. En ek bedoel dit in ‘n letterlike sin. Ek is gebore met ‘n versplete verhemelte en ek het my hele lewe lank al erg spraak probleme gehad.

In Graad 10 het ek gedink ek sal my break kry: ek gaan ‘n massive operasie hê waar hulle ‘n halo-frame (google dit) sou opsit wat ek vir tien weke dra. Dit het my boonste kakebeen min of meer dieselfde grote gemaak as my onderste een, en hulle het een nasale gat oop gemaak.

En toe?

Toes ek flippen meer onduidelik as ooit. Ek het die kapasiteit gekry vir duidelikheid, maar omdat daar skielik soveel meer lug uitkom was ek vreeslik nasaal. Maar ek het aangepas en dit het beter gegaan.

In eerste jaar van universiteit het ek spraak terapie gehad, en ek het actually gevoel asof ek vorder. Teen die einde van die jaar het ek amper normaal gevoel.

En in tweede jaar het ek begin sukkel. In einde derde jaar het ek dit weer bygewoon, en gehoor van probleme wat ek nog altyd gehad het maar nooit besef het nie. Soos die “s” en die “f” wat ek nog altyd gedog het ek okay sê, is eintlik sleg.

Het jy ‘n clue hoe dit voel om bewus te wees van elke flippen letter in elke flippen woord wat jy sê? Het jy ‘n clue hoe dit is? Daai gesigte wat mense maak wanneer hulle nie verstaan wat jy sê nie: daai “huh” gesig wat so skeef na jou kyk. Dis hoekom ek nie meer mense in die gesig kyk as ek praat nie!

Ek stres my gat af vir ‘n werk eendag hieroor. Ek stres oor hoe duidelik ek gaan wees as ek eendag my vrou vra “Sal jy met my trou?” en die speech wat ek op my troue moet gee. Wie stres oor sulke goed?

En wat my so pla is dat ek regtig, regtig duidelikheid so goed sou gebruik. Ek sou speeches gee, preek dalk, politiese dinge bywoon, mense inspireer in elke daagse goed, vir my toekomstige meisie sing, veg vir die waarheid… kinders grootmaak.

Het jy al ‘n droom gehad waar jy skielik verlam is? Of jy is doof? Of stom? En het jy al iemand verloor, dan word jy wakker en jy is van “hierdie is nie ‘n droom nie, dit is die werklikheid”? Daai gevoel in beide situatisies is wat ek af en toe ervaar.

Die kanse dat ek is soos ek is, is soos 1 uit 700. En dis ek! Dis soos om te besef jyt die lotto gewen… net om te besef dat wat jy gewen het is die eer om die eerste een te wees om in die gaskamer in te gaan.

En die cherry op die damn koek?

Selfs wanneer my woorde duidelik is, is ek nie duidelik nie. Kyk na hierdie damn post. Kyk na my ander posts. Of ek skryf  en of ek praat (al is my stem duidelik), verstaan mense nie wat ek eintlik probeer sê nie.

En dis soms net flippen erg.

PISS OFF

This is a quick rant to those all too common WordPressers who merely follow you, or like a post, just so they can be followed back. I’m talking of those whose blogs focus on increasing traffic, protests, success and all that other bullshit.

I don’t want you.

In this blog of mine I share some of the deepest secrets of my life. I don’t appreciate you cheapening my scattered thoughts.

PISS OFF. 

To those who actually read what I say, and out of appreciation like it. Thank you. I do not post with a like count in mind. I post because I need to write down what I’m feeling. I need to get my burning thoughts out of my head. Sometimes it helps just knowing that at least one other person understands what I’m saying, that I’m not mute in both speech and writing.

I’m A Little Sadistic and Vengeful

As I’ve said numerous times in these posts, last year I was unconsciously excluded by you and everyone else. It always irritated me how you had all those thousands of “friends”, but came to me when you really needed someone.

And now you are sitting in some distant city giving French lectures at a school. There you are staying in some apartment and home. I realised a week ago that this explains your recent Facebook posts, your statuses and the somewhat odd messages you sent me. I realised that now you are alone. Not alone in the sense of having no one, but alone in the sense that you realise that all your friends are no longer close anymore. All the people you love are distant. You are experiencing that shock, that isolation.

And a small evil part of me is glad that you are feeling the way I felt.

Forgive me.

 

My Happy Kat

Aai my kat! Ek het jou gemis hierdie wekie so ver weg van jou af. Dit was aaklig om jou in daai plek te los tussen al daai ander katte – daai ander commoner katte. Hoe gaan my prinses voel om nou skielik tussen ‘n komp peasants geplaas te word? Gaan jy dink ek het jou weggegee?

Gewoonlik is jy so ‘n harde-gat kat. ‘n Harde-gat kat op ‘n goeie manier: moeilik en demanding, maar as die wolke daar buite begin donner kan jy nie wag om naby my te wees en my te wys hoe dankbaar jy is nie. En vandag stap ek by daai plek in. Daar lê jy op daai bedjie. Sy sê jy het hierdie hele week basies by jouself gehou. Het jy getreuer oor hoe ons jou, ons koninging, gelos het?

En jy hoor my stem! Jy miaauw! Jy staan op en jy kon nie wag dat ek jou vryf en hallo sê nie. Toe ons by die huis kom, was dit asof jy gedink het jy gaan nooit weer die plek sien nie. Jyt elke liewe kamer weer deurgesoek, om elke draai gekyk, en al die nuwe dinge ontdek. Toe ek jou optel en vashou – jy like dit mos nie – het jy actually ‘n bietjie (net so klein bietjie) ge-purr. En waar ons buite was, sou jy elke minuut die plek deursoek, en dan onmiddelik weer terugkom en jou offshow-stert teen my vryf.

Vanmiddag hoor ek hoe jy net hardop miaauw. Hoekom? Want jy wil net seker maak ons is nog daar. Want jy wil net weer dankie sê.

The Revolution

Welcome to the post-modern world, where everyone is so desperate to “stand-out” that nobody is “standing in”: they’ve become the same – generic – in their tragic attempts to differ. The rebels have become the oppressors, the loyalists have become the rebels. The reactionaries have become the establishment. The counter-revolutionaries the revolutionaries.

Die Persiese Droom

Hierdie keer het jy op ‘n ander manier in my droom opgedaag. Die keer was jy nie die hoof fokus van die begin af nie. Nee. Die keer het jy vir my teruggevat na die Roman Empire toe.

O! Die Romeinse Ryk! In my droom was ek een of ander revolutionary. Ek en ‘n vriend van my was oppad na die emporer se paleis toe. Daarso het ons ‘n bom geplant in sy huis om sy seun dood te maak. My vriend het sy lewe verloor in daardie mission! Maar gelukkig het die bom my kans geggee om weg te kom.

En die mense het gejuig toe hulle gehoor het wat ek gedoen het! Hulle het my as ‘n held gesien. En tussen deur die skare het ek jou gesien. Jy het ‘n persiese doek oor jou kop gehad en in die skare in verdwyn. Ek het jou gaan soek – en jou gekry!

Die keer het jy ‘n donkerder vel gehad, soos ‘n Persiër. Of was dit ‘n wit vel? Ek onthou toe ek jou gesien het, het ek half geweet dis ‘n droom en hardop vir myself gesê hoe jy lyk sodat ek nie vergeet nie. En alhoewel ek nie meer daai beeld in my kop het nie, kan ek onthou wat ek gesê het. Jy het donker oë gehad, bruin of swart hare wat nie lank of kort was nie… en jou gesig! Hel, dis die eerste keer wat ek jou gesig so duidelik gesien het. Ek kan nie die beeld meer so mooi onthou nie, maar ek weet dit was mooi. In totaal wat my verbaas het was dat jy volwasse was. Jy was nie ‘n jong meisie, en ook nie oud nie. En tog in my droom het dit my nie gepla nie, asof ek ook so oud was. Wat beteken dit? Ek weet nie.

O ja! Ek onthou jyt heeltyd in blydskap my gevra hoekom ek dit gedoen het, hoekom ek die bom geplant het. Eks nie doodseker wat ek gesê het nie, maar ek dink ek het gesê dat ek dit vir julle gedoen het.

Het ek jou toe ‘n drukkie gegee?

Wat ‘n vreemde, half kinderagtige, maar tog volmaakte droom! Tot volgende keer, my Lief.

Idees Vol Vrees

‘n Mooi view, ne? Obsoluut lieflik! Die see is so duidelik.

Ja dis sarkasme.

Hierdie ou het sy lelike garage voor my ouma-hulle se huis opgebou en hulle uitsig uitgeblok. Daar is koue mense in hierdie wêreld. “Kom ek bou ‘n huis hier reg voor hierdie twee bejaardes wat lei aan kanker! Definitief nie verkeerd nie!”

Maar hierdie post is nie net ‘n gemoun nie. Nee. Ek sit nou hier op die stoep op my eie. Alhoewel dit ‘n warm dag is, is die wind yskoud hier in die skaduwee, koud genoeg om ‘n baadjie aan te sit.

Elke dag sover wat ek hier sit, kyk ek in hierdie tydskrif vas.

idees.JPG

 

 

Die model voorop is absoluut beeldskoon. Die kwaliteit van my selfoon se kamera doen nie justice aan die  kleur van haar gesig nie. Elke keer wat ek die voorblad sien kan ek nie ophou om daarna te kyk nie. Ek dink wat my so aantrek is dat sy mooi is en nie sexy nie. Daai mooi gesig van haar het nog al die eer en selfvertroue van ‘n opregte vrou. En haar oë straal een of ander dieper persoonlike skoonheid uit. Ek meen meeste fotos van ‘n meisie is bedoel om sexy te wees; dit wil sê, om haar lyf off te show asof sy ‘n man wil lok om met haar te slaap. Hulle oë het nie daai interne lieflikheid soos sy nie. Bittermin fotos deesdae van modelle is ‘n mooi of in Engels beautiful vrou. Beautiful is nie sexy nie (moet nooit hierdie twee verwar nie). Sommige mooi meisies kan sexy wees as hulle wil, maar wat hulle laat uitstaan is dat hulle weet hulle kan sexy wees, maar kies om nie te wees nie. Hierdie meisie op hierdie voorblad (hoe oud is sy? 20? 25? 30?) irriteer my gedagtes heeltyd. Ek het al meisies gesien wat selfs nog mooier is, (het ek?) maar tog is daar ietsie aan haar wat my oë vasvang elke liewe keer. Ek meen ek weet sy is heelmoontlik maar net ‘n produk van make-up, photoshop en regte beligting, maar ek kan nie help as om oor haar te wonder nie.

Wat dit erger maak is dat sy so ‘n mystery is. Hulle gee haar naam by die inhoudsopgawe, maar ek kry haar nêrens op Google of Facebook nie. Haar van is heelmoontlik ook in die tydskrif verkeerd gespel. Goed so. Ek weet nie wat ek sou doen as ek haar ooit op so ‘n manier sou vind nie. Nee. Laat sy maar ‘n mystery bly. Eendag – of nooit – sal ek in haar vasloop, en ek sal onthou (of miskien vergeet maar ‘n weird déjà vu gevoel hê) dat ek haar al gesien het.

As jy hierdie lees, wil ek net sê jy is beeldskoon.

Nog ‘n Droom

Ek sit hierso, besig om Supernatural te kyk. Kan jy glo eks al amper klaar met Season 12?! Dis ‘n baie goeie show. Deesdae al wat ek doen is om dit te kyk. Dit en lees. Dit en lees en dink. Dink, dink dink. Dink aan sekere issues, dink aan haar, my vriende en, ek weet nie hoekom nie, aan jou. Ek het jou, wat, in Mei laas gesien? En tog mis ek jou deesdae. Dis weird. Of nie.

Ek het van jou gedroom weer. Hel was dit ‘n lang droom wat ek nie wil onthou nie. Op een deel was jy daar. Ek het gebly in so ‘n gebou in Pretoria, en ek het jou daar gesien. Jy sou ook daarso bly. Ek was opgewonde toe ek dit hoor. Maar jyt gesê dat jy eerder gaan inry of iets omdat jou flatmate jou irriteer. Aai.

Maar jyt gesê jy wil my sien, en dit het my hoop gegee.

Wat hierdie droom weird maak is dat ek gister of eergister gewonder het wanneer ek weer van haar gaan droom. En nou droom ek van jou?

Wat beteken dit?

Ha! In daai jaar wat ek jou gesien het, het ek heeltyd mening probeer soek in alles wat jy doen, en alles wat gebeur. Hierdie jaar op daai dag wat ek jou gesien het, het so baie dinge gebeur wat nie net toeval kan wees nie. En tog het alles tot niks toe gekom nie. Daar was nie mening daarin nie, al het dit so gelyk.

Hierdie droom was nice, maar meningloos.

Ek sal regtig daarvan hou om jou weer te sien. Hel, ek sal daarvan hou!

My Most Played Songs

Over the years I’ve collected a fair number of songs. For this post I decided to analyze them here one by one. What happened to me at the time I played it a lot and what it means to me. This is just the “most played” on my computer. Most of my songs I listen on the phone so I guess this list ain’t entirely accurate, but so what.

11. Dear Younger Me – MercyMe

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running through  my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me

If there is one song reminding me of First Year it is this one. It was, in short, a rather shitty year. In the middle of the year this album with this song came out. At that time I often went for long solitary walks, reflecting on my issues and feeling extremely lonely. Now this song reminds me of that time. I guess that explains why I don’t listen to it so much anymore. And yet I think this song can help me grow every time I listen to it.

 

10. Sunrise – Joe Niemand

Would You let me in like You did before?
I always end up right back at Your door
You take me in in, fix me up without a word
Softly singing me songs that I’ve never heard

Now when I’m falling apart
Like I always do
Like I always do

You clean my bleeding wounds
Like You always do
Like You always do

I am rather amazed that this is one of my most played songs. It is one of those songs you don’t even realize is one of your favourites. This album by Joe Niemand, and especially this song, opened me up to the absolute reality of God. Lately I’ve been reflecting on people – you, dear reader, are probably one of them – who talk about “religion” and “faith”. Who might say they want to be “spiritually fulfilled”. Those who go to church and leave “religious” lives. And yet… and yet… they’re missing the point. God is not just some force in some ether for you to harness. He is not just a means to end: just saying a few prayers and going to church so you know you’ll go to heaven or so you can have a nice car or whatever. NO! He is a very real person reaching out to you. He is the object of my desire, not just some means to some end.

You can listen to a preview of it here: https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/this-is-war/279252552

9. That’s Just the Way it Is – Phil Collins

You see the dying, you feel the pain 
What have you got to say ?
If we agree that we can disagree 
We could stop all of this today

 

This song ties in with number 1 on the list, so I’ll leave it to that.

 

8. Hold My Heart – Tenth Avenue North

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Wow. For this song I need a minute. This is a song to listen when you are at your lowest, when you can’t go any further, when you are breaking down and you just want it to stop. If you feel like that right now, listen to this.

 

7. Oh Lord – NF

Yeah everybody wants change
Don’t nobody wanna change though
Don’t nobody wanna pray
Till they got something to pray for

Now everybody’s gon’ die
But don’t everybody live though
Sometimes I look up to the sky
And wonder do you see us down here?

 

This song is different from all the rest. It is a rap song. It is about people who have no idea what they are doing. Those “religious” people. Give this a listen, you won’t be disappointed.

 

6. You Are I Am – MercyMe

I’ve been the one
To shake with fear
And wonder if
You’re even here
I’ve been the one
To doubt Your love
I’ve told myself
You’re not enough

This is from the same album as Number 11. If Dear Younger Me reminds me of that shitty year, this one reminds me of the moment in that year when everything came right. I remember the Tuesday afterwards, just before a test, sitting on the grass beneath the trees and listening to this and another song on this album. At that moment I realised everything is finally alright. This song is beautiful. Give it a listen.

 

5. Beyond Me – TobyMac

Call it a reason to retreat 
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life 
Is it so crazy to believe
That you gave me the stars, put them out of my reach
Call me to waters, a little to deep
Oh I’ve never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It’s way beyond me

If there is a song that sums up my university years, it is this one. Now I’m still waiting for my marks and I’ll rather not make a prediction. All I know is that more than once, both in my tests and in my life, I’ve noticed things that I should not be able to do, but which I managed to do with God’s help. This song has a nice beat to boot.

 

4. Stay – Kevin Max

And I want everything to stay (I wanted to stay)
The same as yesterday
I want everything to stay the same (I want it to stay)

Love is a deadly potion
Stabs the heart and bleeds emotion
And now nothing is the same again

 

Looking back I’m not sure why I listened to this album non-stop for weeks. I mean Max is good, but not that good. That being said, at this stage of my life I was living with my best friend. We were playing games while I listened to this album. At the time I was – for the first time in years – not in love or seriously interested in anyone. Just being able to think about love without thinking about someone was a nice change of pace. This is a nice love song.

 

3. Frankenstein – Joe Niemand

Why do You break
Why break these broken bones?

Put the needle right into gaping wounds
I want the hurt to leave
Just leave me alone
But You pierce deeper still

Cut the poison out
Cut to where I feel again
It hurts when You heal

 

The last few years I’ve discovered a side of Christian music and Christ itself which was not something I expected. This song, Hold My Heart and so many more focuses me on the love of God. Read that carefully. Not the kindness of God, but the love of God. C. S. Lewis once used the analogy of a dentist. You would go to him because of a toothache, but sooner or later he starts burrowing through either teeth, injecting you here and there. It is painful. Of suppose you want to redecorate your house, so a guy comes and he adds a few pictures. All good and well. But then he starts moving around furniture, knocking down the walls and rerouting the electricity.

If you are thinking of becoming a Christian, take not of this. God is not content with you just letting him in and then locking him away in some room for when you need him. He wants to live in a palace. He wants to make you perfect, if you let him. Sometimes this is painful. The father taking his son to the dentist and hearing his screams is doing it out of love. Think about this. To put it another way, suppose your brother is out doing drugs and robbing cars, but he is happy. Hell he is having the time of his life. Love will force you to lock him up in rehabilitation. Mere kindness will simply leave him alone.

G. K. Chesterton also spoke about this side of love. If you love someone because of something, then your love is conditional. If you love a girl because she has green eyes, then will you love her if she goes blind? Will you save her if the eyes are green because of cancer? If you love her because of her fondness of something you like, will you love her if she finds something else? If you love her unconditionally then you will not accept her as she is. You will try your best to improve her, to help her overcome her bad aspects. Love is not blind, love is bound. It is not love to leave the object of your affection in a state of disorder and evil.

You can listen to it here: https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/frankenstein/929468657?i=929468711

2. Election – Kevin Max

Everybody’s faking it
everybody’s doing just fine
but when you look inside their private lives
its just a basket of lies 

I’d rather hide out in bars
with the misfits and ghouls
than pretend I’ve found a home in that social club
of robotic and judgmental fools

 

This song cured me, at least partly, of my judgmental attitudes towards other song genres and towards people in general. A lot of times in my life I’ve found people who are doing great, only at another point to find them just as corrupted as everyone else, often even worse. This song helped me leave my stupid legalistic leanings. I would much rather spend a night with my friends in the mall, with them enjoying beer, than chat with a bunch of hypocrites.

 

1. Long Long Way to Go – Phil Collins

While I sit here trying to move you anyway I can
Someone’s son lies dead in a gutter somewhere
And it would seem that we’ve got a long long way to go
But I can’t take it anymore

I recall the first time I truly listened to this song. It was late at night last year. I was struggling with some awful assignment totally useless for helping anybody. I want to help people, not learn a bunch of nonsense. Then this song came up.

While I sit here trying to think of things to say
Someone lies bleeding in a field somewhere

It became a habit listening to this song whenever I felt bitter towards the world, whenver I felt bitter for the useless shit I’m learning, whenever I listened to senseless, stupid, academic or mainstream debates on idiotic topics… all while people are dying. Let’s discuss the benefits of Realism over Liberalism -> insert picture of dying Syrians here. It is disgusting and horrible.

While I sit and we talk and talk and we talk some more
Someone’s loved one’s heart stops beating in a street somewhere

It is also about mundane things, about people discussing or getting angry about stupid things like sport or the traffic or whatever… all the while the world is burning. And they don’t care.

Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off it will go away
Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off or look away

It is quite fitting that this song became the most played song on my computer on the night before my final exam.

Listen to it. It is eerie and deep.