Ah… “the Girl”. That girl which drove me mad. That girl which really screwed up my head. That girl that helped to drive me to depression. That girl which almost cost me my friendships and my sanity. Yes, the Girl.

Hell tonight was a trip down nightmare lane. My first year at university was shit. One thing I always struggled with was a lack of transport. This was specifically problematic when I had to attend late tests or lectures. At times I would have to walk 1.5 km at 9 o’ clock at night. Not really the safest thing. Sometime the Girl would give me lifts.

Also, at that time I stayed “alone”. Not quite alone, I mean there were three other people there as well, but we almost never spoke. I was alone.

Then last year was the total opposite: I stayed with my best friend at a great place, with great varsity people, a whole different year.

And now this year… more boring but it has more in common with the first year than the second.

So today I woke up with my beloved dog and cat beside me, and headed for campus: we were going to have a public lecture by a famous muslim scholar on religion and violence. Now because my current residence – staying “alone” with one other dude – is not so safe, I had to park my car at the university’s sport place (?). This presented me with a problem: the gates close at 7, but I’ll only be finished at 8. So I guess I’m gonna have to walk… or not. I figured I’ll just use Uber.

When I arrived at university I got that chill vibe I got in first year: seeing campus grow darker and darker reminded me of that time. An eery feeling. Oh, a Whatsapp! The True Friend sent a picture of a scene in the movie, Bridge to Terabithia, which showed the lead actor looking at the lead actress waving goodbye to him. As far as I know that was the last time he saw her. “She reminds me of The Girl”, my friend said. She reminded me of her before my friend even mentioned it, but I didn’t tell him that.

It’s getting late. I can’t stand sitting here all tense in this forsaken place. I should move to the venue. I approach and… what the hell? There she is: the Girl. Odd, odd, odd. Even more odd, as we spoke she said she thought about me about a week ago and about some books of mine she still had. A week ago I was thinking the exact same thing. This is no mere coincidence; I really don’t think about her that often anymore.

So did anything change? If you looked closely at my posts about her in the post you would notice the reason she drove me mad: she had no interest in my life. Yet as we spoke tonight she actually asked about what I’m up to, what I’m studying, and stuff like that. We had a good conversation. I don’t recall having such a both-sided conversation with her in first year.

Afterwards she asked me how I’m gonna get home. After I told her she insisted that she gives me a lift. Wow, that was also just like old times.

My mind is a raving machine. Not the intellectual type unfortunately. No. It’s the type that will build multiple possible futures based on a single event. As we sat through the lecture, I again thought about what it would be like to fall in love with her again. What the conditions would be. How everything would turn out. Then I just thought: “Stop it. Thoughts like these are what drove you mad. SHE drove you mad”.

Just stop it.

(the picture my friend sent me)



She’s gonna be pissed when she realises I removed her from Facebook a few months ago.


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