Like seriously, I plan on talking about a girl, yet again, my perceptions on love more generally, and to blabber on entirely non-nonsensically on totally irrelevant things I’ve read or heard, things on my mind which I just want to pull out like Dumbledore tore out his memories, then paste them on this white space like he pasted his memories in water. This blog is a place for me to simply write out my thoughts, no matter how jumbled it comes out, especially this post.
In my first Spanish post I talked about how in my Zulu class I had to go copy a form I needed in order to do my oral test. I was joined by a girl, in whom I was interested, who had the same problem.
I am a very technologically (or more accurately, internet) connected person. I am on most major sites, I post in forums and I often share things on Facebook and at times I would post pictures on DeviantArt and all that jazz. Yet despite all of this I really value real human connections. I was born with a cleft lip and palate and although my speech has really improved (although far from perfect) the internet has been a wonderful outlet. A place where I come off as just as clear and concise as any other person. It is the one place in this world where everyone can truly be equal. So looking back it makes sense that I got so connected, although I’ve been trying to scale it back.
In the last few years I made up a couple of rules regarding relationships and the internet. For instance in regards to Whatsapp I will not get to know someone online. I will only get to know him in person. I will not talk about things on Whatsapp which I will not talk about in person. A hell of a lot of people make this mistake.
I remember in school my friends would get into arguments with their girlfriends over Whatsapp. That is so pathetic. They would argue and get mad and sad… but when they meet in person it’s totally different. They won’t fight it out in person. Yet, even more stupid in my honest opinion, is that they are so much more eager to begin a conflict over Whatsapp than in person. Thus I made my simple rule I’ve just stated: I will only tell someone something if I’m willing to say it in person. This requires a level of self-control and self-reflection.
On Facebook in regards to getting to know someone I’ve started to apply the same rules recently. If I don’t know someone, I should not take a look at that person’s “interests”.
So that girl I mentioned. After last week’s practise (the oral test was two weeks ago) I noticed her as confused as always. Then I realised how in many ways she seems to be like The Girl from last year. Although I do not know the one from class as well, the realisation that she is (at least superficially) a lot like The Girl made me realise that I might be making the same mistake as last year (go read last year’s posts. They ain’t happy). So I broke my rule and searched her up on Facebook. “In a relationship”. Good to know. Why? Well let me go off topic again to explain why.
Last year I saw a way to keep my emotional heart at bay. I have tendency to get feelings for someone too easily (actually, this is the main point of this post). But there is a line I will not cross: to fall in love with someone already in a relationship. This provides a sort of wall keeping me sane and keeping me a good friend rather than someone trying to seduce a girl to break off her relationship. Only to ruin it anyway.
For instance, the Precious Friend and I became good friends last year. She was in a relationship and all went well – until they broke up. Suddenly it got harder for me to be a mere friend. I would begin to have more romantic thoughts. But luckily they made up again and everything came back to normal.
This problem of me falling in love to easily (or at least if it isn’t love, getting interested too easily) is my first problem. The second problem stems from the first: each time I meet a girl that catches my eyes I would immediately wonder if we will end up in a relationship.
And I know this is wrong. For more than one reason. I know I should not overthink such idiotically common occurrences as meeting people.
Also, I’ve read C. S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity which made an impact on me in more than one way. Of them was his chapter on marriage. He talked about how the initial passion will die away, but it will be replaced by a more enduring, though less energy-absorving, feeling. This chapter sobered my mind on relationships. A good thing.
Now I can focus more on my relationship with Christ. The one relationship that truly does matter.
Yet I still wonder each time I meet a new girl. In my Spanish post I mentioned in passing how “another girl” gave me and the confused girl a form for us to copy. That was two weeks ago on the day. A week ago was when I realised how the confused girl is too much like the girl from last year.
Today for another Zulu oral test I decided to copy my form just in case other people at the test needed some as well. When I came to the class that other girl asked me if I had another form. I’m so glad I copied them. As I was busy cutting out the form for this girl we talked about what we study and so on. When I first saw her I knew she was pretty (a lot of girls in BA are) but beauty doesn’t mean much and that confused girl had my attention. As we talked I realised how this girl is in a way better state of mind. She is also a lot more attentive. Her whole tone was supportive (when I did my test) and in general when she talked to me it was as though she was actually interested in what I had to say.
And again I just can’t stop myself from wondering…
I need to stop this. It seems as though I can’t go a few weeks without getting interested in someone. It is becoming rather silly.
For years it has been as though my emotional and logical side have been at war, with ceasefires now and then. Last year Emotion was winning a brutal war against Logic. But after Emotion self-destructed in regards to The Girl, Logic declared victory, resulting in balance yet again, though slightly in Logic’s favour. And luckily at the moment there is a ceasefire.
My point is this: while I’m writing this Emotion is making me interested in this girl which he is making me see as interesting, beautiful and mentally stable, while Logic is reminding me: “This is just another temporary fad. In a week you will have forgotten her like you have forgotten countless others”.