The last few weeks or months I’ve been extremely passive aggressive, bitter and all round irritated at people.

Small things bother me. Anything taking me away from my comfort zone. For instance, the Braai Friend of mine invited me to sleepover at his house this weekend.

Next week my classes begin again. I am not in the mood to spend my last night of freedom at someone else’s home.

You see this is what bothers me: At home it is basically me and my mother. My mother does not have friends and she is extremely attached to me and my sister. Too much. For instance yesterday while I played a game online with the Braai Friend she sat in my room for a few seconds and when I gestured to her that I want to know why she’s here, she just said that she misses me. I mean hell. I’m in the same house and she misses me.

Or even when she’s is working or when my sister is at home I don’t like leaving the house. I do not like forsaking my pets and my own sweet solitude (in which I watch movies, walk the dog or play my music as loud as I please) to entertain others while they are comfy.

What bothers me is that my friends never consider this. The Braai Friend has a mother and stepdad and oftentimes his sister or stepsisters will visit.

The other friend, the True Friend, is basically the same: Two brothers and a cleaner is almost always at home. And at nights so is his father. He can leave anytime and not leave anyone alone.

Then also my grandparents whom I love dearly: oftentimes in holidays like these they will pick me up and expect me to stay the whole day (they live less than a kilometer away). They are at home where they are at ease. Where they make coffee or watch TV. They will then drag me alone to a bunch of shops and crap.

I did not ask for this.

It is always, with both my friends and my grandparents the same: “If you have time, you have to come over. If you say no, I will take offense. If you leave early, I want a reason”.

That I want to be alone is, for them, inconceivable and offensive.

Why?

I want to have my cake and eat it too: I want everybody to just leave me the hell alone yet still be there when I need them.

Yes. I will die without socialising if I’m alone for two days or more. But I don’t appreciate people manipulating my emotions like this. They manipulate it because I’m constantly analyzing my actions on them. I know how they will react if I refuse to come over. Therefore the selfless thing to do is to do what they want.

If I, for once, do what I want, then I feel guilty.

I hate this.

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