This post follows on the one I wrote here.
In the previous post I highlighted the choice I have between staying at my flat or going home. Looking at the that post I think this one will be largely the same, though in different words. So I guess there’s no point in reading this in if you read the last one.
(edit: this is actually more of a rant)
As I said in the previous post, I only had tests today and another one on Thursday. Usually during the week I stay at a flat with the True Friend and I usually catch a lift with him on Sundays when he goes to the flat.
On Saturday he called me to say that I would have to make arrangements for getting to the flat as he is visiting his grandmother or someone and he said that he will only stay at the flat until Wednesday.
Now Wednesday is my birthday and the past week I had to make a choice: either I only go write the tests on Monday (today), head home (leaving the True Friend by himself), and then only come in Thursday.
I had to balance certain desires: not let him be alone, see my friends on my birthday, be at home on my birthday, and see my family on my birthday. So either I am home… on my own but with my family after they get home from work… though with my precious pets. Or I stay at the flat in which case I will see the True Friend and perhaps two other friends over there. But that would be the first time I would not celebrate my birthday at home. And I’m not too keen on sitting around in a small flat between seeing friends… if I see them.
So today I thought I would stay at the flat. I packed enough stuff for the week. But on the way there I started to doubt again. When I arrived the True Friend was also just waking up. After my first test he was in rather a miserable mood. So I thought to hell with this: I’m going home.
He was moping over the fact that I might be going home. When I thought about this, I realised a few things: my exams started three weeks ago. If I wanted to I could’ve stayed at home the entire month, only coming to campus on three specific dates where I write tests. Yet each week I spent the entire week there. In one sense because I am more focused there, but also for the sake of my friend.
Furthermore, about five or six weeks ago he left me for an entire week. No hard feelings. I’m not unreasonable. I mean he wanted to see his family and that’s all okay. But I spent that miserable week on my own.
Also, I was slightly irritated at his plans for this week. He is going to head home on Wednesday. When I asked him today if he’s going because he doesn’t have class he told me that he does have class. That he is going to drive to his college from his home on Thursday.
So then I realised: wtf. I do not want to write that out. Swearing not part of my lingo any more. He planned on going home with the belief that I’m going to stay until Thursday or Friday. So screw me, right? He left me for a week. He did not consider the fact that I stayed at the flat for weeks whereas I could’ve been at home for all that time. Now he planned on leaving on Wednesday. On my damn birthday. Why? Who knows?
I do NOT want to spend the night of my birthday on my own. That would be incredibly sad.
Look as I’m writing this I know I am coming off as selfish and demanding. Perhaps I am. I’m just so irritated at his double standards. It’s okay for him to stay away for a week and plan to forsake me on my birthday, but then he will mope if I stay at home.
Yes I could come back with him on Wednesday. But then I thought that I would just once again be dependent on him. Then I would basically just be there with the hope of seeing some other friends. Stuck in my room. On my birthday. Until he comes back from college.
Like I said I know I am sounding unreasonable and over attached. That is partly true. I really care for my friends. Perhaps too much.
I just hate the amount of double standards. Actually as I’m typing this paragraph I think I hate the amount of under-appreciation. Appreciation. That’s the one thing I emotionally need from my friends.
He forgot about that week where I was alone. He does not consider the weeks I spent there for his sake. Then he makes plans which he knows is leaving me alone on my birthday… just because he wants to.
I mean at the very bloody least discover what my plans are and take me into consideration! Yes this is a selfish gesture. I just feel like I’ve been so selfless this year. And he won’t even consider his best friend on his birthday.