Lately I’ve been feeling very neutral towards the girl. I barely see her and I don’t think about her as much. And we don’t really talk on Whatsapp either.
I discovered that Whatsapp has a search function. Not just for contacts, but for past conversations. I never delete my conversations. Ever. I keep it as proof for when I need it. I won’t backstab someone with it. For instance my friend, the True Friend, once talked highly of the stars in the night. A few months later he despised it. Now he likes it again.
I could, if I really want to, when nowadays he talks about how he is sitting under stars (a hobby close to my heart, especially astronomy), show him a message he sent me a few months back where he said something which was really uncalled for.
August 8: He was without electricity and very bored. I told him he could sit outside with binoculars or a telescope. Keep in mind that he knows how much I like stargazing and astronomy
Me: Yes. Outside. With binoculars or telescope.
He: “What am I supposed to do with that then? Look at white spots in the sky?”…”and I have seen everything worth interesting”.
(I ignored him after that)
September 21: He was outside on his roof at night and he sent me photos of the view
He: “I just wish there were more stars”
He: I just wish you would shut up and enjoy this wonderful pasta and mince, which I have just made myself, outside beneath the stars.
It is this kind of shit which people do which irritates me to the core. People do not keep even by their own opinions and they can be so insensitive to your passions.
But I didn’t want to make this post about him. I seem to only talk bad about him on the post and I shouldn’t. He’s a great person. I merely wanted to use him as an example.
This post is supposed to be about the girl again. I want to write about the things she did which hurt me. Not deeply. More like when you walk past a rose bush and the thorns cut you and make you bleed. It’s not bad, but looking back (in this case at the messages), I can still feel the bruises.
I searched for key words of conversation I had with her. Words which would take me to certain times.
I learned that, and I noticed this at the time, she was ungrateful for me. I do not mean to sound as though I’m worth much, but this bothers me. If you do so much and you feel so much for someone and that someone doesn’t appreciate you.
I saw some conversations. Like this one time she went a bit off on me for something stupid, and for the rest of the weekend she felt bad about it. I can’t stay made when a person regrets something. To be honest I was glad that she felt bad. Just a part of me was. Because it meant that she actually cared.
I see and I remember other conversations where I would talk about a bunch of things, only for her to either ignore it, or to misinterpret it or to be blind to the depth of what I said. Sometimes I hinted or talked explicitly about events in my life and she never showed interest.
Yet I always heard and wanted to know more about her life. What made her. What broke her.
She frequently asked for help in history and religion studies and German. I always helped. I was always there. One time after she broke down, I talked about it in a previous post, she couldn’t study for history which we had the next day. So I went and translated all my notes to Afrikaans for her. I worked myself to death, missed my Spanish class and almost missed a meeting with a Christian brother. Only to hear her say she’s gonna drop it and take the sicktest.
I discovered the last few months that I have a misplaced sense of loyalty. Let me give a few examples.
At the end of the vacation in July I asked the Best Friend if I could sleep over the next week. The Other Friend I also tried to organise something the week before. The Best Friend told me that he’s classes are starting. Mine started a week later.
So I decided, okay, I’ll go to the cinemas on my own. It’s a bit sad to do it on your own, but I needed to get out. So I went and watched a movie, constantly thinking about them.
That evening I heard the Other Friend decided not to go to class. Okay, I get it, it wasn’t planned so it’s not like you could’ve seen me. The True Friend, and this shook me, said his classes only starts the following day.
So what did he do? Did he think of me, his best friend, who asked if I could see him the weekend before? No. He went with his cousin of all people and went to the same cinema as me and watched the same movie as me, though at a different time so I didn’t see them. He never gave me a thought.
I was alone. I wanted to see my friends. They knew I wanted to see them. They KNEW I was at home on my own. But fuck me.
See what I mean with misplaced loyalties? The problem lies with me, not them. I overestimated the bond we had.
It looks like I got side tracked again. I wanted to talk about things The Girl did which damaged me. What I said in this post, and especially on this post is what tore my emotional part to shreds.
To sum it up: Appreciation. That’s the thing I want most in life. Appreciation.
In a following post I’ll talk about how I feel about her at the moment. It will probably be the last post about her, judging by how I feel at the moment.