As I was looking at an email telling me how someone liked on of my posts, I thought “Do I have something new to say? Do I have something to say about The Girl? Or my friends?” Yes and no.
While most of the other posts are written at a crises point, at a point where I just can’t take something, this one is written in a pause. A pause where everything moves rather slowly.
So what do I have to say? Well let’s start off with The Girl. As I said, this time I’m writing in a pause. In a lull.
Wait. I do have something to say about her. Yes.
For a long while we haven’t really talked. You have to understand that were not mad. It’s not like we had an argument. We just don’t talk. I realise now that it’s been a long while since I’ve actually spoken of her. I’m gonna make this post a continuation to the last one about her. Please read it here.
So after that post I went on holiday to Margate (by a beach) with the True Friend. The one she was in love with. During the holiday she messaged both of us, asking how we were and talking about the biography assignment we have. Since she messaged us both, I assumed that she missed the braai (barbeque) we had. I mean she’s alone and the only time she saw us together was at the braai.
Did I ever talk about the braai? I guess I should, not that I want to. It’s not the same braai as the one with my friends. But when I talk about it, it will give even more backstory to everything. Eventually you’ll know the entire story. I think my next post will be one where I describe exactly how I fell in love with her, from the start, through the braai, until where I started on this blog. But for now, I’ll talk about the last month.
So since my last about her I never messaged her. I think once I succumbed to the temptation, but I really want to see HER message ME. Like she did before the holiday in that post. How she confused me. After the holiday things were “normal” again. Normal in the sense that we don’t speak… not really. The week after the holiday, the Tuesday (two weeks ago) me, her and the female best friend (the one in this post) had Religion Studies. It’s always the last class on a Tuesday.
There she acted quite normal and sociable. She seemed entirely in a good mood and she even asked why I skipped the German class before that one. Why does she even care? She never even cared if I’m present in a class during the time we were friends.
When the class ended we three walked outside the building. In the time where me and the Girl were friends, real friends, we would always say goodbye with a hug. Keep in mind that for more than a month we haven’t been at all that close. So when she said goodbye, I could see she wanted to hug me goodbye. I didn’t. For a moment I could see confusion in her face. I just can’t take it anymore.
However that night she messaged me again. Just a simple “How are you?”. So we talked normally through the night. On the phone Whatsapp if she messages me, I talk as though everything is fine. I actually hate speaking on Whatsapp. I really prefer to talk in person. But I decided I don’t really care anymore whether or not I talk to her on the phone. So I talked as though everything is fine.
A week past, then came last Wednesday. The night before I recall (I could be wrong) that we spoke over the phone again. As though all is well. On Wednesdays we have a German tutorial. In it we either have an oral test, or we prepare for one. That day we prepared. I sat on my usual spot and she sat on another table at the end. Although there were others at my table, I worked alone. I always observe her. I saw how she didn’t really get help from the others at her table. How they were too obsessed with each other.
In that time I was dying again. I thought something along the line of how much I’d like to talk to her. I even thought of taking the chance of sitting next to her. But that’s just my daydreaming. But soon the teacher gave us an opportunity to start our work on the oral for next week. It’s basically just a speech we have to write. I started with mine. Meanwhile I still observed how she struggled.
To my delight she called me to sit opposite her to work out the speech. While we did it I was on Cloud 9. For a few moments as she was talking I felt as though I just want to hold her face in my hands and kiss her.
It looks like I’m still in love. It is slowly dying out, that’s for sure. But I am still in love. That’s also sure. But I’m glad it is slowly going away.
Later on Wednesdays we have a history tutorial. I love Wednesdays. It’s just these easy, sit-back-and-relax type of classes.
Keep in mind that every single time I see her, every time, I lose my mind a bit. Whether I just see her sitting somewhere or whatever. I can’t help but be slightly out of my mind. I don’t know how to describe it correctly. It’s like I’m feeling what I felt during that time I broke down.
So after class I walked a bit away from it and then paused. I thought about her. About whether or not I should head home immediately. Then The Girl walked past with the blind girl who also attends our classes. She was helping her to her class. The Girl seemed to invite me to walk with them, though she didn’t expressly say so. So I walked with them.
After we dropped off the blind girl we talked a bit. Or actually usually she’s the one that’s talking. I’m just listening. Sometimes I wonder if she misses that. If she misses someone like me who will just listen. Who will listen to all her (quite numerous) complaints and desires and random stuff. I love it. All of that bore others, but I love her voice.
She still had a normal German class to attend (I attended the morning one). So I walked her to the lift. Just before she entered she loosened her hair. What the right phrase? She took out the strings to let her hair fall down. (Sorry at the moment I’m not sure of the English way to describe it). She looked beautiful as she entered the lift. As it closed I simply said goodbye.
And I haven’t really seen her since for a week and I probably won’t for another.
That’s the story. But here’s how I am now:
As I’ve said twice before, at the moment I’m in a lull. Because I don’t see her often I don’t think of her often. At the moment my focus is really not on her at all. Though, as I’m writing I must admit, creating this post entirely about her, even though it really wasn’t even the plan, in itself tells me that she occupies a deeper, as yet unseen, part of my mind (and heart) which I myself aren’t aware of.
That’s all I have to say.