So lately I’ve really regained myself. It’s been a few weeks since I got my senses back and things are rather good. Though I wouldn’t post here if there weren’t things that bothered me.

Two things actually. Two things which show that I’m not that “alright” as I think I am. Let’s start with the friendship one.

So me and my friend, the one who caused me hell and henceforth will be called the True Friend, are going to a vacation resort this weekend. We have off from Wednesday until the end of the week.

I’m going with him and his family.

I was really wondering about whether or not I should go. On the one hand I’ve complained numerous times in this blog that I never see my friends, and now I have the opportunity. I also love the idea of that Night Atmosphere with music and such. I really want that.

Yet I know he will tire me. And I him. I’m an introvert and I can see that he’s gonna really make me wish I stayed.

Yet the alternative is too horrific. I thought I might stay and relax. I could do some work, which I have to do now if I go, while I also take it easy for a while. But then I remember how it felt during that time. During the not so long ago time where everything went rather shit. I remember sitting at home. Stuck. Absolutely stuck. I couldn’t see my friends. Or rather, they didn’t want to see me.

It’s a horrible feeling. I know if I stay I’m gonna sit at home on my computer while thinking of how my best friends are having a great time… without me. Like that one weekend where I referred to where he, my other friend and The Girl met up without me even though I was so close by and so in love with her, while she was in love with with him. What they did there broke me.

But that’s over.

My point is I’m not entirely healed yet.

The second thing is, as always, that girl. The Girl.

Lately I’m honestly getting on alright. I feel (or felt, I’m tired and lazy now) really happy the last week or two and she is occupying less and less of my thoughts. Yet she still does.

I feel like it’s a pulse. A pulse of a heart. This fits in so poetically with the whole idea of my dying love. Here’s an illustration:

heartbeat

I went through a phase where she was my all. I lived for her. I didn’t even have a life. She didn’t even realise it, but she was all that was on my mind, when my heartbeat was at his highest. Then came that dark period which you can read by yourself (the first few posts). That is the down side. When it was low. So friggen low.

With time it really got better, yet this weekend and now I started missing her again, but only to some extent. I miss who she was. Either she changed or I had the wrong idea of her or I’m just looking for a reason as to why she pushed me away. If she did. Perhaps she feels I pushed her away. No. It was her. I wanted to be a friend. Honestly, I would really have been content with that… at least I think so.

But I had enough.

My point is I’m going through ups and downs, though the ups and downs of my feelings for her are reaching lower and lower peaks, until, eventually….

hearbeatdead

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One thought on “I still miss Her – But not as much

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