Warning: My posts aren’t made with the intention of being interesting. They are made because I need to share my thoughts with someone. And thoughts aren’t always structured or entertaining.
So tonight I have done absolutely zero. I had this crazy idea that I would have completed my history assignment and prepared for my Spanish oral today. How unrealistic of me.
I figured that since I haven’t done much, I might as well get too sleep early… 10 o’clock. Well, as I’m writing it’s already 11. This is how bad I am at keeping to my own (already vague) schedules.
This post is also about The Girl. She’s been the main topic of this blog so far, but to understand this post you only need to read this short one, which I wrote last Friday (it’s Tuesday today).
For almost precisely a week I haven’t really spoken with her, besides a quick “Hello, how are you” thingy we all say when we see someone we recognise. But we haven’t spoken. Not in person or online.
So today as I walked to the university I got a message from her for the first time in a week. She simply asked how it is going and whether or not I have space in my bag for a couple of books I lend her a few months back. I simply said in a neutral grammatical voice, that I could make space, but she can hold on to them for another while. I didn’t answer her question about how I am, since it’s obvious that she only asked it because it sounds a bit rude to simply immediately talk about the books if she hasn’t seen me in a while.
But anyway she never brought the books and I saw her in my German class, though I didn’t really speak with her alone.
This evening, as I said, I procrastinated the whole time. After a few hours I laid on my bed and saw her messages on Whatsapp. I’m so tempted to speak with her. I bowed to my urges and asked a simple “I just want to know how things are going?”, to which she replied that she’s chilling out. I simply said “I’m glad” with an thumbs up emotion, my intention being NOT to start a conversation. Simply because I can’t bare going through what I did again.
So I decided to take a long bath while listening to my biggest hero, Kent Hovind’s recent upload on YouTube about Homo Naledi (hater’s gonna hate…). I purposely left my phone in my room, knowing that someone might just message me. I want to get away from it, not that people really message me anyway.
When I returned I saw a message from The Girl saying “And you?”.
It was then that I decided to write this post to reflect on how I feel different based on who asks. If one of my friends from the braai (see the post on it) asked me how I am, I would say “amazing”. Yet I’ve told only one person (two if you include the blog) about how, even though things are great at the moment, The Girl is my vice. She can throw me off my recently regained emotional balance. Once again, see that other post I shared earlier in this post if you haven’t.
So now she asks me how I am. What do I say? Do I say “amazing” and give the impression that nothing is wrong, especially regarding her? She obviously thinks something wrong. Why else would I randomly out of the blue ask her how she is doing? If I tell her I’m great then she will find it creepy how I randomly messaged her. Not only that, but she’ll never know what she means to me. Or did mean to me. But perhaps that is good? But then won’t I be lying if I say it’s great since she specifically makes it really terrible? Telling her what she’s doing to me, or what she is capable of doing to me, is out of the question. So do I ignore her? I can’t do that.
Am I overthinking it?