Keep in mind that I only post when I feel emotional. When I feel I have to get something out.
This post is about me missing school. I miss school. Figure that.
I don’t miss the classes. I don’t miss the tests and the homework and the stupid headmaster and the sport and all that crap. I miss the people.
You can see from my previous posts how alone I’ve been. And also how I “regained” my senses. Yet I didn’t realise how alone I really am. So bloody alone.
I’m not ungrateful. As I’m writing this I still have contact with my best friends and at this moment someone is inviting me for a cup of coffee tomorrow. I really, honestly, appreciate that.
Today, or was it Monday?, I sat on a bench on campus and I looked at these two guys sitting opposite me and chatting. They looked so relaxed and calm. Just chatting. Just that.
And I suddenly realised what I’ve not had this entire year. The last few years in school all the guys were cool with each other. Like I was this high performing, born-again Christian who always did my homework, never swore and never talked about sex. And you know how much high school guys talk about it. Yet everyone respected me, and I them. Each one of us were so different. Like the one guy was a true nerd, always playing games, the other was also on computers but more… edgy… the other guy was a cool dude who delivered pizzas on weekends while still this other one was this huge dude who couldn’t hurt a fly.
Still there was this general atmosphere of easiness. Each one of us could talk for hours and hours with each other. We didn’t need to have anything in common. We all had different affections, yet everything was so cool and relaxed.
Now I sit here in university with this idea that I’m socially awkward – and perhaps I am. I have friends, but no close friends. They are my best friends, but I am not their best friends, you know? Whereas I only had guy friends at school (I despised the girls – and they me), I almost only have female friends here. Or not really. It’s always so difficult to talk to them. I always come off as awkward or something. With the guys I also don’t click. Whereas at school I could literally hang out with any person, here I don’t click with anyone. Not with those with the same interests, nor with those with different ones.
At a time I despised my hometown, but looking back I can say with pride that at least, with all the very real flaws everyone of us had, we all had true hearts. We all valued our friends. We would wait for each other. We would never betray each other. It was just accepted as normal. We would visit each other just because we can. Not because we need something, but simply because we are friends. We were friends because we were friends. That’s it. I really felt at home.
Just that casual, cool, relaxed conversations. I miss that. So. Very. Much. Words cannot describe it.