After reading this post (after the other two) you’ll start to get an idea of how changeable my emotions are – or were. I return now that original girl. The one from the first post. Henceforth I shall call her The Girl, since she seems to always be the one on my mind.
At the moment my head is very clear, so let me tell you about her. She is a feisty girl who doesn’t shy away from her opinions. She regularly complains about everything and everyone. She tries to be a hard worker, but will easily give up on assignments. She also seems to make a division between certain people. Like there is her “family”, her “mates” and, it seems somewhere among those thousands of mates, am I. This makes it so difficult to get into her heart. She believes that her problems are her problems. That everyone should deal with their own shit (though as you’ll see below, she has exceptions – dammit can’t I be an exception???) She can act cold at times and she is often indifferent to other people.
Despite all of these, she has a heart of gold. Everytime I get a bad opinion about her, or finally get myself at least bit over her, or see her as shallow, she will surprise me to the core. She has made my life so darn emotional. Really, really, terribly emotional. Only last weekend did I finally regain my senses. Like I woke up and realised that I’ve been gone for two months.
What always bothered me were three things: she never waited for me after class (see my other 2 posts), which, to my hurt, showed me that she only considers me one of her thousands of friends. Secondly, she came off as so self focused. Not selfish, but on her own mission. She never (appeared) to take a deep interest in the welfare of others. She obviously cares for her friends, she gave me a lift a couple of times, helped others here and there, like walking with that one blind girl in our history class. She has a good heart. It just seemed as though she closes it off to everyone. That’s why she began to appear self-centered to me. Thirdly, it seems that she only cares about me and needs me when she is going through a hard time. When she’s fine again, then she doesn’t take an interest in me.
I finally came over her. I finally made peace with her relationship with my best friend. This and the fact that I literally regained my senses at last gave me the peaceful mind which I’ve not had for months. I was finally going to be okay. I was taking an interest into my interests again: politics, religion, and all that. Something I haven’t done for ages.
Then her relationship with my friend began to break down this week. My friend, with his bloody, bastardly, frigging maddening, IRRITATING, SELF-CENTERED, UNGRATEFUL IN EVERY DAMN RESPECT, attitude drove her away. He said he doesn’t think they should have a relationship. He is going through a phase where he, to put it bluntly and honestly, is possessed by demons. As a Christian I consider the possibility that he might be literally possessed, but in a figurative way it still adequately displays his emotional state. The bloody guy is depressed. ABOUT WHAT? He has honestly good looks, a likeable personality, he has depth, he tried… until recently… to be a better Christian, he has a car, he has friends, a loving family, health, and he could have had a girl which he will never find again in his life.
He now considers her stupid, superficial, slow and irritating. He is so absorbed with his own, self-made, non-existent issues that he doesn’t give an honest damn about the state of the people close to him. I was going through HELL. Just see my first post. I told him I was going through a tough time. For the first time in my life I needed my friends. I didn’t say it was about The Girl, but I told him that I was in such a state. I told him about it when he told me about his condition. But hey, the next day when he was fine (for the moment, he’s still depressed) he totally forgot about my condition. But anyway, I want to focus on the effect he had on The Girl.
This week he finally told her that he doesn’t think they should be in a relationship. It barely started, so it was more of an “It won’t work” instead of an “It doesn’t work” kind of breakup. But he told her… through the phone like stupid superficial people do these days… that he loved her. Now he breaks her heart.
Suffice to say that she still cared so much for him. This week she actually called me – girls never call me – and talked about what he is going through. She wanted to help. She was worried about how he’s taking an interest in demons and dark stuff like cults and such. I didn’t think she cared that much.
The same day, way before she called, me and a female friend – my best friend (best in the sense that at the moment she cares the MOST for me, much more than my “best friends”, not best in the sense of being close) – talked about how The Girl and my friend are both so hardheaded. Neither of them knows the depth of the other and that neither of them are willing to put up with the other’s constant whinings. I started to, once again, get the idea that she is probably a bit superficial. I didn’t know how much she really cared about him.
After the first call she sent me voice messages about how she is totally hurt by him, so I called her. She told me about how he ignores her attempts to help him. How he wants to change the subject. That he doesn’t appreciate her. That he hurt her. Badly. That he said things which caused her to go into shock. I could hear how she went into an emotional breakdown.
All the while it was so painful for me. I don’t know what to say. It broke my heart to hear her say “Ek is nie fine nie” (I’m not fine). I literally did not know what to say. It tore me apart to hear her like that. And I can’t be there for her. I can’t just be there to just listen. To just be a shoulder to cry on.
To make matters worse I’ll say only this: She has a permanent… female… sickness, and at a time in her life she spent a month in a psychiatric hospital. So this was so hard on her. She is so strong in her personality, but she is actually so fragile. Like glass. Beautiful and hard and sometimes painful, but so breakable.
Sadly what I said earlier about her forgetting my existence when things go good, like it did a day or two later, is still true. But I won’t focus on this at the moment.
Everything is back to normal I guess…