Go thither, and with unattainted eye
Compare her face with some that I shall show,
And I will make thee think thy swan a crow.
~ From Romeo and Juliet
If you look at my previous post you might have noticed that I was falling apart: losing my friends, losing a love, losing my mind.
I’ll say first off that this post is not interesting. It’s more of an update on my condition and, since I am honestly a selfish person, just a chance for me to throw my thoughts out onto the world.
At the moment I have some peace. For the first time in two months I actually have my mind back. For the first time I’m stable. I’m rational. Not cold, just content.
I’m also over that girl, strangely enough. Did I love her? I did. How then am I over her so soon if I really loved her? It’s just who I am. I have the ability to cut people off. I rarely use it, but sometimes you just reach a point in a relationship or hobby where you just regain your sense and you stop. You just stop.
I remember when I was addicted to an online game called Runescape. I played it day and night, me and my friend. It’s a roleplaying game with wizards and archers and dragons and all that. I remember when I upgraded my “magic” level from 76 to 77. It took me a week. I just thought: “So what?”. And I quit. Two years of playing it hardcore, and I just quit.
It’s an epiphany you get sometimes. A realisation. A wake up call. God’s hand is always in this.
This Monday a female friend of mine told me that another friend, let’s call her the Turtle Girl (because she has an affinity for turtles), was going to join one of our classes. I knew her in a superficial way. She had German with us at a time before she dropped it and for a whole semester we had the same Politics class.
Since the moment I first saw her I knew she is just way out of my league. Drop-dead gorgeous, healthy, intelligent, soft-hearted… I never thought more about her. Simply because I knew without even thinking about it that she is just on another level.
But anyway, before the politics class I had a Spanish tutor class (a stupid half hour thing where we basically waste our time). To my amazement Amber was in the same hallway where I was waiting. It was underground, beneath the main campus building. There are tables and a few computers for the students. I still don’t know why she wanted to study her French there. It’s in a dungeon. Why not in the library? But I never asked.
After class I told her that I’ll meet her at the Politics class. To my amazement she offered to come with me to where ever. There was still almost an hour before it started. So why come with?
That previous girl in the previous post totally broke down my conception of how women operate. That girl would never wait for me after class and she didn’t really do any trouble to see me, yet when I waited for her we ended up spending the rest of the time together.
So I was rather shocked that the Turtle Girl would want to come with me. When I asked “to where?”, since we have to wait anyway, she didn’t say. So I just offered to wait with her while she studied.
I know all of this is boring, but here is where I want to make my point: I’ve been wasting my time with that previous girl who never did the trouble to wait after class for me. This sounds petty, but the only reason we became friends was because I always took trouble to wait for her. To help her. To hear her complain about everything. I didn’t mind. I honestly loved to hear her complain.
After my breakdown from the previous post I, thanks to God, was able to at least prevent her from hating me. She told me that it is just part of university life for student to disappear after class, like her and her friends. That came off as superficial to a guy like me. For me, you wait for your friends. Your friends and you are always together. Or at least in the sense that you at least respect them enough to simply say “good bye” before you dash out of the class.
These SMALL things are what matters to me.
So the fact that the Turtle Girl offered to go with me to somewhere neither of us knew before I offered to wait for her was strange in the sense that that’s how I think things should be. No one is ever like that to me. She asked in the class “where do WE sit”. That other girl will simply choose a seat and to hell with you. She won’t consider that you, as her friend, wants to sit next to you. It’s just normal nature for the Turtle Girl that, since you are with someone, obviously you sit next to him. This is how I thought it should be, before that other girl destroyed all my preconceptions. Furthermore, after class the Turtle Girl also waited for me. AMAZING.
It sounds so darn normal, but as I’m writing I’m actually crying a bit. I was disillusioned with that other girl. This Turtle Girl restored my hope in the fact that I’m not mad. You SHOULD wait for the other person. You SHOULD consider him or her when you do something as stupid as taking a seat. You do wait for him.
And she’s beautiful and sophisticated and kind hearted, much more so than that other girl. My eyes are opened. I see clearly again.
I’m not in love with the Turtle Girl. I decided to just give it over to God. If He wants us to be together, then I won’t think twice.
The point of the whole post is this: I am healed. I can see again. I can feel again.