The past few months were intensely emotional.
When I dreamed about the perfect girl in my life, I always thought about a reserved, passionate, mysterious girl. But this year I discovered just how I wrong I am. I met someone who broke me. Or is breaking me. And she doesn’t even know. And now I’m hurting her, and she doesn’t know why.
How do I put this in words? I do not know how to express my emotion with words. My thoughts are scattered and confused. Today I’ve been so utterly emotional and detached. It got so bad that I decided I just HAVE to get out. So I went out of my flat and climbed the stairs. As I climbed I almost literally lost my mind. It seems as though you are totally lost. You lost your grip on reality quite literally. As I walked it felt as though I’m floating.
My stress about my semester test suddenly hit me. And Her. I keep thinking about Her. Why did God put her in my life? What’s the purpose of falling in love with someone with whom you’re not meant to be?
My emotions are consuming me. I want to message her – it takes great effort not to. Just to say I’m sorry. I want to say “Forgive me for what I was this week. Can you please give me a chance on Monday to explain why I was that way?”. I WANT to tell her. But I can’t. If I do I’lll confuse HER life. I’ll mess up HER life. How do I tell her “I did it because I missed you. Because I love you”? I know for a fact she doesn’t feel that way. Why not?
Because she’s in love with my best friend.
I could cope with that if I knew HE loved HER. But he doesn’t. He’s interested, but she isn’t that much of a priority to him. I love her, but she loves my best friend who doesn’t love her. THAT is what gets to me.
This week I snapped. I just couldn’t take it anymore. When she walked out the class without even looking back, I took it very deeply. Such small, pathetic, darn things are what makes me emotional. And I know it shouldn’t. Nonetheless I took something as pathetic as that as an excuse to be angry with her. I have a choice: Either I miss the hell out of her and I cry at night over her, or I imagine some fictional offense. It worked. It honestly worked. I ignored her. I was cold. I HATE COLDNESS. Yet I was cold.
But this Friday.. when she walked out the room… and she just softly said “goodbye”… all my bloody walls just crumbled again. I couldn’t even reply. I just stared at her with the eyes that said “Don’t go”. You have no idea what you’re doing to me.
You are breaking me.